How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc. It's not true but that's the narrative she has spun. As the kids have grown, they have become so busy that they barely see each other. My kids have not seen his kids since April of this year because their lives are so separate but yet his kids are still complaining about how we are there to replace them etc etc. They're almost out of HS. So not little kids to believe this nonsense since it's been a decade and we haven't moved in or done anything to jeopardize their security. How do we help them feel secure despite the narrative being spun about us from the exwife? I feel like my boyfriend has been very hands off and not wanting to badmouth his exwife to his kids but the damage is so clear that it's hard for anyone to ignore as they'll still have tantrums about how we are there to replace them.
Is this normal? How do we help them move on from this because our relationship is as committed as ever and our kids will be in each others lives. We will probably live together when everyone is in college but no plans till then. At that point, we would have been together for about 15yrs!!!!!

[Anonymous]

There is no need to reason with unreasonable people. They are old enough to be reasonable. If they don't happen to grow up to be reasonable people, there isn't much you can do. Stop chasing something you can't control.

[Anonymous]

OP, were you the Affair Partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, were you the Affair Partner?

OP here-- Not even remotely. We met 3 years after each of us had divorced.

[Anonymous]

OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc. It's not true but that's the narrative she has spun. As the kids have grown, they have become so busy that they barely see each other. My kids have not seen his kids since April of this year because their lives are so separate but yet his kids are still complaining about how we are there to replace them etc etc. They're almost out of HS. So not little kids to believe this nonsense since it's been a decade and we haven't moved in or done anything to jeopardize their security. How do we help them feel secure despite the narrative being spun about us from the exwife? I feel like my boyfriend has been very hands off and not wanting to badmouth his exwife to his kids but the damage is so clear that it's hard for anyone to ignore as they'll still have tantrums about how we are there to replace them.
Is this normal? How do we help them move on from this because our relationship is as committed as ever and our kids will be in each others lives. We will probably live together when everyone is in college but no plans till then. At that point, we would have been together for about 15yrs!!!!!

Well, I don't think you can say that you haven't moved in together and therefore they should feel secure, and then at the same time say you are planning to move in together later. It's possible his kids are aware of this and are not interested in having to share a household with you and your children at any time. I think they have no right to control this and will have to suck it up, but at the same time it's unrealistic for you to expect them to be enthusiastic about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

I don't think you can force them to like your kids. They don't have to like them, that's the bottom line. You say you have been really careful not to "blend", but is that true when you're taking them out for activities together and being unhappy that they're not interacting? I think you say you aren't forcing them to blend, but they are well aware that you'd like it to happen, and they're not willing to do it. So you should drop the rope. People don't have to like your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc. It's not true but that's the narrative she has spun. As the kids have grown, they have become so busy that they barely see each other. My kids have not seen his kids since April of this year because their lives are so separate but yet his kids are still complaining about how we are there to replace them etc etc. They're almost out of HS. So not little kids to believe this nonsense since it's been a decade and we haven't moved in or done anything to jeopardize their security. How do we help them feel secure despite the narrative being spun about us from the exwife? I feel like my boyfriend has been very hands off and not wanting to badmouth his exwife to his kids but the damage is so clear that it's hard for anyone to ignore as they'll still have tantrums about how we are there to replace them.
Is this normal? How do we help them move on from this because our relationship is as committed as ever and our kids will be in each others lives. We will probably live together when everyone is in college but no plans till then. At that point, we would have been together for about 15yrs!!!!!

Well, I don't think you can say that you haven't moved in together and therefore they should feel secure, and then at the same time say you are planning to move in together later. It's possible his kids are aware of this and are not interested in having to share a household with you and your children at any time. I think they have no right to control this and will have to suck it up, but at the same time it's unrealistic for you to expect them to be enthusiastic about it.

For the record, I don't think I would ever move into their house. If anything, we would "retire" and move somewhere else. But this isn't even a topic that is ever had with them or in front of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc. It's not true but that's the narrative she has spun. As the kids have grown, they have become so busy that they barely see each other. My kids have not seen his kids since April of this year because their lives are so separate but yet his kids are still complaining about how we are there to replace them etc etc. They're almost out of HS. So not little kids to believe this nonsense since it's been a decade and we haven't moved in or done anything to jeopardize their security. How do we help them feel secure despite the narrative being spun about us from the exwife? I feel like my boyfriend has been very hands off and not wanting to badmouth his exwife to his kids but the damage is so clear that it's hard for anyone to ignore as they'll still have tantrums about how we are there to replace them.
Is this normal? How do we help them move on from this because our relationship is as committed as ever and our kids will be in each others lives. We will probably live together when everyone is in college but no plans till then. At that point, we would have been together for about 15yrs!!!!!

Well, I don't think you can say that you haven't moved in together and therefore they should feel secure, and then at the same time say you are planning to move in together later. It's possible his kids are aware of this and are not interested in having to share a household with you and your children at any time. I think they have no right to control this and will have to suck it up, but at the same time it's unrealistic for you to expect them to be enthusiastic about it.

For the record, I don't think I would ever move into their house. If anything, we would "retire" and move somewhere else. But this isn't even a topic that is ever had with them or in front of them.

Okay but they're not stupid. They can see it coming. And you really never, ever know what teenagers are overhearing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

I don't think you can force them to like your kids. They don't have to like them, that's the bottom line. You say you have been really careful not to "blend", but is that true when you're taking them out for activities together and being unhappy that they're not interacting? I think you say you aren't forcing them to blend, but they are well aware that you'd like it to happen, and they're not willing to do it. So you should drop the rope. People don't have to like your kids.

True. I don't expect them to like my kids or be happy about the situation but isn't it a bit over the top to react this way to the twice a year we do stuff together?

[Anonymous]

Probably, the other kids just aren't reasonable (I'm pp 13:27 and 13:28) but it might be they just don't like you. Don't like your kids. They don't have to. Their love/acceptance isn't a reward for doing the right thing. You probably have done the right thing. Now, stop making it harder by expecting a certain outcome.

[Anonymous]

My mom is you, OP. She's always trying to connive for me to spend time with the children of her partner. And I just don't want to, for various reasons including but not limited to their substance use. Every time they just "happen" to drop by when I'm visiting, I try to be polite but I really can't stand them. And then my mom is like "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it's just SO NICE that we all get along!" But we don't get along and it isn't nice at all. So I'm left to conclude that she's an idiot, and she's been maintaining this happy blended family facade in her head for 30 years. It's terrible for our relationship.

Really, give it up. They don't like your kids. Go ahead and date, marry, move in, live your life, whatever. It's your choice. You absolutely have the right to do it. But they don't like your kids and the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

I don't think you can force them to like your kids. They don't have to like them, that's the bottom line. You say you have been really careful not to "blend", but is that true when you're taking them out for activities together and being unhappy that they're not interacting? I think you say you aren't forcing them to blend, but they are well aware that you'd like it to happen, and they're not willing to do it. So you should drop the rope. People don't have to like your kids.

True. I don't expect them to like my kids or be happy about the situation but isn't it a bit over the top to react this way to the twice a year we do stuff together?

No. You're not entitled to a certain number of Fake Happy Family days. If they were adults they might be able to fake it more convincingly, but teenagers just don't have that level of acting skills, nor are they motivated. They didn't choose this, they're not dating you, they don't love you, they'd be just as happy if you broke up. And if you did, they'd never see you or your children again. Everyone knows this. So stop trying to pretend there's a relationship where there isn't.

They might also be afraid that any positive time together will lead to an increased demand. That's what it's like with my mom-- if I'm more than coldly civil to her partner's kids, it sets her off on a whole round of "Wasn't that SO NICE?!?!!" and she'll try to make it happen again in the near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

I don't think you can force them to like your kids. They don't have to like them, that's the bottom line. You say you have been really careful not to "blend", but is that true when you're taking them out for activities together and being unhappy that they're not interacting? I think you say you aren't forcing them to blend, but they are well aware that you'd like it to happen, and they're not willing to do it. So you should drop the rope. People don't have to like your kids.

True. I don't expect them to like my kids or be happy about the situation but isn't it a bit over the top to react this way to the twice a year we do stuff together?

No. You're not entitled to a certain number of Fake Happy Family days. If they were adults they might be able to fake it more convincingly, but teenagers just don't have that level of acting skills, nor are they motivated. They didn't choose this, they're not dating you, they don't love you, they'd be just as happy if you broke up. And if you did, they'd never see you or your children again. Everyone knows this. So stop trying to pretend there's a relationship where there isn't.

They might also be afraid that any positive time together will lead to an increased demand. That's what it's like with my mom-- if I'm more than coldly civil to her partner's kids, it sets her off on a whole round of "Wasn't that SO NICE?!?!!" and she'll try to make it happen again in the near future.

Wow. Way to bring your own baggage to this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

I don't think you can force them to like your kids. They don't have to like them, that's the bottom line. You say you have been really careful not to "blend", but is that true when you're taking them out for activities together and being unhappy that they're not interacting? I think you say you aren't forcing them to blend, but they are well aware that you'd like it to happen, and they're not willing to do it. So you should drop the rope. People don't have to like your kids.

True. I don't expect them to like my kids or be happy about the situation but isn't it a bit over the top to react this way to the twice a year we do stuff together?

Why do you want to do stuff together? Really, ask yourself that. What about this is important to you?

You say you've "made a concerted effort not to blend", but that seems to be untrue. It seems like you're willing to remain in separate residences while they are in high school, but you are laying the groundwork to move in together permanently, and you do want the children to spend time together and get along, because you're planning for a future in which you *are* much more blended. And I suspect they can smell this on you, and they don't like it.