How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc.

Hm.... it's almost like she thinks that right now, his children are collectively the heirs to his estate, but that if he married you that would change and they could end up with less. Does that really strike you as crazy? I think that's basically what happens when people with children remarry unless they plan differently.

No one is remarrying here.

That's not the point. The point is that she thinks you could. And you definitely could, even if right now you think you don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?

I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help but he's very old school and a bit of an avoidant/not talk about it kind of guy. I think that's a problem but I can't tell him how to parent but I do make suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is you, OP. She's always trying to connive for me to spend time with the children of her partner. And I just don't want to, for various reasons including but not limited to their substance use. Every time they just "happen" to drop by when I'm visiting, I try to be polite but I really can't stand them. And then my mom is like "Wasn't that NICE? Oh, it's just SO NICE that we all get along!" But we don't get along and it isn't nice at all. So I'm left to conclude that she's an idiot, and she's been maintaining this happy blended family facade in her head for 30 years. It's terrible for our relationship.

Really, give it up. They don't like your kids. Go ahead and date, marry, move in, live your life, whatever. It's your choice. You absolutely have the right to do it. But they don't like your kids and the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept it.

NP. The behavior is a vote of disapproval. They may have no particular feelings about your kids. They are telling you they are mad about something (maybe the situation, maybe you are the scapegoat).

Give them the space and their silent protest. Forcing people together almost always creates more resentment.

They may mature and grow out of it as young adults with independent homes. That's your best hope. They probably expect you to be in their dad's life for the rest of their school years. That's logical. They probably won't change their behavior unless they decide themselves without prompting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

So, what's your boyfriend doing to help his children who are so evidently in need of mental health care?

I have been encouraging him to get them mental health help but he's very old school and a bit of an avoidant/not talk about it kind of guy. I think that's a problem but I can't tell him how to parent but I do make suggestions.

Ah, so here we are. You have a boyfriend problem! And it's not going to get better until he changes his approach. You can't do it for him.

Ask yourself why you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who refuses to treat his children's mental health issues. Because as teens grow older, it sometimes gets a lot worse, with a lot more serious consequences that can affect the whole family. Their refusal to socialize with your children may be just the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

Maybe by accepting that you can't make other people like you. Nobody's entitled to the family they want. Nobody in this situation has the family they want. That includes his kids. And that includes you. Your best option is to accept it.

+1 and I want to sincerely say good job for thinking of the kids in how you conducted your relationship with them always in mind. It's important to do right by kids even if they aren't grateful.

[Anonymous]

So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I am just reaching the point where I find it ridiculous how my kids get treated by his kids. They either will vanish to their rooms, refuse to engage or just ignore my kids if we are out for an activity. My kids notice but don't say much as they know the "visit" will be short lived and everyone will go back to their respective lives.

you need to really stop caring about that. you can’t force them to like your kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, she doesn't like the way he parents. Feels it would be less complicated without you in the picture. Believes she can blame some of his shortcomings on your influence on him. Maybe when his kids are married with their own children, maybe it will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you're saying there's kids who have a difficult parent, they have been through a difficult divorce and now have a difficult custody situation/alienation, and are potentially at risk for hereditary mental health issues, and their more-functional parent refuses to acknowledge and treat their mental health despite obvious red flags.

And all that said, the problem in your eyes is they don't want to be friends with your kids and aren't fun enough for your liking on twice-annual outings? Listen to yourself! Come on!

Before jumping in with all these declaratory statements, let me calm you down a bit. Boyfriend is doing the best he can. Has he put them in therapy? No. But he does an amazing job with them and always has their interests at heart. Am I sad that 10 years in and his kids don't acknowledge mine? Absolutely. I don't think that should be shocking for me to feel. I am human. Am I sad that his ex-wife won't let them be when it comes to me? For sure. Am I sad his wife wants no custody despite his urging? You betcha. It's a very difficult situation but that doesn't make me a bad guy for being sad about it all and posting on here so please calm down.

How is refusing to get them mental health care an "amazing job"?

Really, ask yourself do you want it to be this way long-term? Because I don't see why anything would change.

OK. You win.

Look, it's not an easy road to be the parent of adults with mental health problems. Your boyfriend is setting himself up for some even more difficult challenges if he doesn't intervene and get these kids into a better condition of health. As soon as they turn 18, parents have so much less information and so much less leverage and when something really bad does happen, it can be really hard to help them. They might start self-medicating with controlled substances for example, fail out of college, lose jobs, who knows. And when their situation gets bad enough, they may turn to their parents for help, and that will put him, and you, in a really stressful and difficult situation.

Really truly consider whether you want this for your kids. I get that you want to move in with this guy and all get along and do family holidays together etc., it's a beautiful dream, but how does that happen if his children continue to have mental health problems? I am an adult child in this situation, and let me tell you, it's not so merry when you're expected to show up and fake a normal holiday but the parents are preoccupied with attempting to manage the long-term entrenched mental health conditions of my stepsiblings.

So what are you suggesting? That we stop being together unless and until his kids are treated because all future gatherings will be stressful?

[Anonymous]

If his kids are all in high school at this point, can he just spend time with you and your kids when they aren’t there? His kids may never want to spend time with your kids and/or you. Once they enter the college and adult years it will become obvious if that’s the case.

Rather than focus on his kids, which you have zero control over, you need to make peace that they aren’t going to fit your desired narrative.