How to handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

I'm so sorry that you put your Correct Dating Quarters in at the top of the vending machine and a compliant teenager failed to pop out the bottom. But it just doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So how does one help children post divorce move on?
This scenario followed all the rules--didn't date immediately post divorce, didn't bring in woman after woman into the kids lives, didn't introduce kids till things were serious, woman doesn't spend the night, kids are not part of the scene but yet the relationship is very committed and has been for years. We even spend holidays apart so no one feels threatened. There is no reason to feel threatened because we have prioritized the kids/their well being and not changing things for them. But ex wife has made it her mission to paint me and my kids as the wrong doers because she hasn't been able to move on and accept. When they tantrum about my kids, they will say "it's unfair to mom".

So how does one help in this situation?

Maybe by accepting that you can't make other people like you. Nobody's entitled to the family they want. Nobody in this situation has the family they want. That includes his kids. And that includes you. Your best option is to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

It's weird that you think the length of time you've known them makes a difference. Surely you can think of people you've known for a long time but wouldn't want your parent to move in with, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

It's weird that you think the length of time you've known them makes a difference. Surely you can think of people you've known for a long time but wouldn't want your parent to move in with, right?

This isn't about me!!!!!!! Stop trying to make it that it's because I am unlikable. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

It's weird that you think the length of time you've known them makes a difference. Surely you can think of people you've known for a long time but wouldn't want your parent to move in with, right?

This isn't about me!!!!!!! Stop trying to make it that it's because I am unlikable. Ridiculous.

Well nobody thinks they're unlikable. But you seem to think if you meet a list of criteria, they have to like you. And that's just not how teenagers are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc.

Hm.... it's almost like she thinks that right now, his children are collectively the heirs to his estate, but that if he married you that would change and they could end up with less. Does that really strike you as crazy? I think that's basically what happens when people with children remarry unless they plan differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

It's weird that you think the length of time you've known them makes a difference. Surely you can think of people you've known for a long time but wouldn't want your parent to move in with, right?

This isn't about me!!!!!!! Stop trying to make it that it's because I am unlikable. Ridiculous.

Oh please. Surely you have plenty of people *that you like* but you don't want to live with and spend holidays together forever and ever. This isn't about liking. It's about compatibility as family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, first of all they're not your kids and they have two parents who aren't you. It isn't your job to "help them move on". It's your job to let their parents parent them. Do you perhaps actually have a boyfriend problem here, rather than blaming everything on his kids and his ex?

Second, I have no idea what you, or they, mean when they say things are unfair to their mom. Can you give an example?

Third, it's not necessarily about moving on from a divorce. One can be totally "over" a divorce (even though it makes their life more complicated for all the decades to come), and still dislike your children. It's not necessarily because they haven't moved on. Maybe they just really don't like you and your kids and would be perfectly happy to "blend" with some other kids and some other future stepmother.

And fourth, you 100000% absolutely are planning to change things for them, and you're already unhappy that they aren't enjoying the together-time you're requiring. They're not stupid. They know that you're moving in this direction. Just because you haven't forced living together in the present doesn't mean they can't feel "threatened" by it happening in the future.

Surely you can think of lots of people you don't want to spend time with and don't want to live with, right? Does that mean you haven't "moved on" from something or that you feel "threatened"? Or do you simply have people you like and people you don't like?

OK. It's me. This has been helpful. Thank you. Sue me for trying to figure out how to help something that only exists because an ex is bad mouthing me. I have been in these kids life since they were in lower ES. I am not some random newcomer. And the more I stay, the more perturbed the ex wife gets. They don't even live with her. My bf has 100% custody and she has visitation. She's mentally unwell and has driven a terrible narrative that they believe.

Well, sounds like they are behaving like adolescents who experienced, and are continuing to experience, a difficult situation. You and your boyfriend should bring a trauma-informed approach and seek professional help for his children. Because what they're going through is terribly difficult, and is a *much* bigger deal than them not being courteous on outings. Stop thinking about you and what you want. If the ex is really that bad then you need to view their behavior as a cry for help. And as a sign of potential post-traumatic and hereditary mental health issues as well.

If their struggle and their mental health isn't being properly addressed, then life is going to be difficult for everyone. And if your boyfriend isn't taking the lead in addressing it, then you should break up with him because he's a bad parent. It's naive new-girlfriend stuff to blame the ex-wife for everything. He chose her. And he has 100% custody so there should be no obstacle to him seeking professional help for his children.

I happen to think my mom's boyfriend sucks and his kids suck too and I've never met his ex, btw. It's not always because of that. Sometimes people just aren't compatible.

I 100% agree with the first paragraph. This is much bigger than me and my kids. And I recognize it. My boyfriend doesn't bad mouth his ex ever (to me or to his kids) but I have been around long enough to see her actions and effect. So again, this isn't a question of just blaming the ex. She will pick up the kids and complain about us to the point where they beg her to stop, say they don't want to visit her because all she does is complain about their dad etc. She basically has driven the narrative from afar. It's parental alienation even though they live with boyfriend because mom didn't want custody (important).

Where's the part where your boyfriend is seeking mental health interventions for his children? He sounds like he's just avoiding it.

It's really hard to alienate a parent on such a low-hour schedule! I wonder why they find her statements so credible. Hm....

Because when you are the Disney parent who does no heavy lifting in parenting, you're given a pass by teenagers who want the easy way out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced and been in a long term relationship with another divorced man for almost a decade. We both have children and we both have our own homes where our children reside (all kids in HS now). We are not blending but our kids know each other, have met our extended families and have grown up knowing their parents are in this committed relationship etc. But we have made a concerted effort not to blend. My exDH is very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend and he knows his kids and has supported my kids through it all. My boyfriends ex wife is the opposite and has gone out of her way to paint us as evil, as those that are taking the resources away from them etc.

Hm.... it's almost like she thinks that right now, his children are collectively the heirs to his estate, but that if he married you that would change and they could end up with less. Does that really strike you as crazy? I think that's basically what happens when people with children remarry unless they plan differently.

No one is remarrying here.