DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

Are teens are quite happy to not see us in the morning. They are grumpy and rushed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

Well that addresses zero of my points, but a flounce was expected from the selective quoting and the fact you keep misrepresenting the fact pattern.

You don't have any points, you made up "facts" that weren't in the OP (from which I was directly getting MY info) to try and bolster your case against a DH you don't even know. Bizarre that you say I'm the one misrepresenting when you are literally spinning fairy tales.

Actually, I quoted the OP directly, the part you were trying to ignore to misrepresent the situation. And I didn't make up any facts, I pointed out that there's no explanation for the need for more money. But you are super duper mad that I didn't fall for your cherry picking so here come the cursing and emojis. Don't interrupt your flounce on my behalf.

I'm not the one cherry picking when you are, again, literally spinning fairy tales and making up "facts" and disingenuously "suggesting" he has a gambling problem and how much he does at home. Unless you are OP, you are just sh*tting on this guy for no reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing OP is a troll and enjoying the fake post shit stirring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Um, yes? I just left my high schooler and 2 middle schoolers alone for the weekend while I went to a wedding. Nothing happened. They were fine.

DCUM is a trip. "My kids were alone for two days one time so no kids need supervision during the school year." Okay, OP, you have your answer - your kids don't actually need parents! Take up golf with DH and get ready for the transition to an empty nest by pretending it's already empty.

The question was whether kids need supervision before school. They don't. They're much more capable than you give them credit for.

[Anonymous]

So many contradictions in this post.

-OP does soo much for the kids, can't get another job because she has to take care of the kids.

-When DH wants to? Of course he wants to, now that they're easy! They don't really need it, they're self sufficient, they can drive themselves this year.

-OP complains that DH never saw the kids, left before they woke up, home late, she had to do everything and resented it.

-When DH wants to? He's home too much, he's too lazy, he's awake too late (??), he's unattractive and unambitious.

-OP resents him never being around to care for the children and never seeing them. When he wants to? He's Mr. Mom and again she finds it unattractive.

Make up your damn mind. No wonder men talk about women not knowing what they want and being fickle.

[Anonymous]

This reads to me less like an ultimatum and more of him saying hey, you put your career on mommy track for years but now that my work schedule has shifted, you are free to push forward, I can handle things at home.

The real issue OP is that you aren’t attracted to a SAHD type spouse.

There’s no way to avoid a frank conversation with him where you make that clear while also acknowledging that he does indeed bring home an income…you can’t forget about that part, OP.

If it’s important to you that both parents work, say that. If finances are becoming an issue, come up with a game to plan. If it’s important that you take on a chunk of parental tasks like doctor appointments and carpools, say so. And if you want him to engage more with the family, giving up tv time and golf outings, then say that too. None of us can do this for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Nothing in the OP is about morning shuttling. That usually happens in the afternoon, evenings, and weekend. Do you guys have teens?

So you agree that both parents can sleep in because teens are self-sufficient?

Yes, you realize that many parents of Gen X did just that, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So many contradictions in this post.

-OP does soo much for the kids, can't get another job because she has to take care of the kids.

-When DH wants to? Of course he wants to, now that they're easy! They don't really need it, they're self sufficient, they can drive themselves this year.

-OP complains that DH never saw the kids, left before they woke up, home late, she had to do everything and resented it.

-When DH wants to? He's home too much, he's too lazy, he's awake too late (??), he's unattractive and unambitious.

-OP resents him never being around to care for the children and never seeing them. When he wants to? He's Mr. Mom and again she finds it unattractive.

Make up your damn mind. No wonder men talk about women not knowing what they want and being fickle.

OP doesn’t like her husband.

[Anonymous]

I dont see what the problem is here, except that he should be up in the morning.

DH now works from home 98% of the time. He also has a ton of free time. Sometimes I'm envious because he has time to work out during the day, run errands, take a nap, etc. Because of his flexibility, he does more of the driving for the kids, the errands, the appointments, laundry, dog walking and the shopping. I still do all the finances, life organization, and most of the cooking and cleaning and usually do some of the kid driving, but not as much as DH.

He has not told me to make more money, but I definitely do more travel and have been able to lean in more to work.

I dont see his working from home on what is in reality a half time schedule as him being less ambitious. I think he's just lucky. Gets his full time salary without the grind and commute. I dont understand why OP wouldn't take up her spouse's offer of taking on more kid/house stuff. My advice would be, ask him to step up and take on more and once you see that its working, then you can step up more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are teens are quite happy to not see us in the morning. They are grumpy and rushed.

Mornings are our favorite time together. Dad makes breakfast, we eat together and mom drives teens to school. Evenings are good too. Mom makes dinner, we eat together after sports/activities are done, and then teens do homework while parents catch up with each other's day out on the porch listening to music. It's lovely. You really have to do meals together to keep teens engaged with the family.

[Anonymous]

My question is if he’s doing less at home or making less money at his job than when he was in the office? Because it seems like what has really happened is that he’s realized he has a laptop job that isn’t really 40 hours and is taking all that extra time for himself.

Asking you to get a higher stress job is a different issue and would push back on that.

[Anonymous]

Assuming you have enough money and will be able to retire comfortably, there is nothing wrong with him having more flexibility. I gained a lot more flexibility and can work less starting around age 48, because I’m “the boss.” I don’t have to get into the weeds. My team does and comes to me to make the hard decisions. Hard decisions take a lot less time than digging into all the details to present the issues to me.

Honestly, my husband is a little freaked out that I’ve gone from being a workaholic to perfectly ok running to the grocery store between meetings at 2pm on Tuesday or even watching TV while I eat my lunch. I spend LOTS more time with our middle school daughter. I make about 80% of our income.

I also want to retire as soon as I can. Hopefully by 55, but definitely by 60. It will depend on the exit value of my company in a few years. He looks freaked out when I mention retirement. But he will adjust.

That said, you really need to dig into what you want here. Do you want him doing more family
Stuff? Or to just stop bugging you about making more? Or both? Figure that out. But acting like he needs to go back to being a workaholic is likely incredibly unrealistic. He is pivoting and likely realizing life is too short.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are teens are quite happy to not see us in the morning. They are grumpy and rushed.

Mornings are our favorite time together. Dad makes breakfast, we eat together and mom drives teens to school. Evenings are good too. Mom makes dinner, we eat together after sports/activities are done, and then teens do homework while parents catch up with each other's day out on the porch listening to music. It's lovely. You really have to do meals together to keep teens engaged with the family.

Bully for you but it doesn’t seem like OP wants to spend time with her DH, and her kids don’t like AMs.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am your husband. Not actually, but someone a lot like him. I worked very hard these years sacrificing my physical and mental health to provide you with an amazing life. Now that I’ve spent some time WFH, I realized just how amazing that life is and I want some of it for myself too before I kick the bucket.

You are welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont see what the problem is here, except that he should be up in the morning.

DH now works from home 98% of the time. He also has a ton of free time. Sometimes I'm envious because he has time to work out during the day, run errands, take a nap, etc. Because of his flexibility, he does more of the driving for the kids, the errands, the appointments, laundry, dog walking and the shopping. I still do all the finances, life organization, and most of the cooking and cleaning and usually do some of the kid driving, but not as much as DH.

He has not told me to make more money, but I definitely do more travel and have been able to lean in more to work.

I dont see his working from home on what is in reality a half time schedule as him being less ambitious. I think he's just lucky. Gets his full time salary without the grind and commute. I dont understand why OP wouldn't take up her spouse's offer of taking on more kid/house stuff. My advice would be, ask him to step up and take on more and once you see that its working, then you can step up more.

The big red flag difference: he did tell her to get a new job that pays better.