DH is not the person I married :(

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Nothing in the OP is about morning shuttling. That usually happens in the afternoon, evenings, and weekend. Do you guys have teens?

So you agree that both parents can sleep in because teens are self-sufficient?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Nothing in the OP is about morning shuttling. That usually happens in the afternoon, evenings, and weekend. Do you guys have teens?

So you agree that both parents can sleep in because teens are self-sufficient?

DP, but yes? Both my parents were gone for work before I got up by the time I was that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

I’m a wife who WFH and earns more than my husband. I have a 13 and 16 year old and they make their own breakfasts, shower and get dressed on their own, make their own lunches, and get out the door on their own. I sleep through most of the “morning rush” because I have no part in it anymore, other than to say “bye, have a great day!”

Good for you and whatever works best for your family. My kids like to see me before school, even if it's just to tell me what they have going on that day, etc. Everyone is different.

...why couldn't they tell DH that? How is that a specifically OP-only thing? Clearly doesn't require much effort to... sit there and listen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

Well that addresses zero of my points, but a flounce was expected from the selective quoting and the fact you keep misrepresenting the fact pattern.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Um, yes? I just left my high schooler and 2 middle schoolers alone for the weekend while I went to a wedding. Nothing happened. They were fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

What would she like him to do for their middle schooler and high schooler in the morning? I wake up when my high schoolers do and I just sit and the kitchen table and drink coffee while they buzz around.

He's saying there's shuttling to be done. That's from him, not her. So he could . . . do that. But he can't if he's asleep every morning when dropoff needs to happen. You're trying to compare you waking up with your kids and not having to help them brush their teeth with him not even waking up in the morning at all, and saying it's fine to do one if it's fine to do the other. So what if OP chose not to wake up either? Since middle schoolers need so little supervision, that should be fine, right?

Um, yes? I just left my high schooler and 2 middle schoolers alone for the weekend while I went to a wedding. Nothing happened. They were fine.

DCUM is a trip. "My kids were alone for two days one time so no kids need supervision during the school year." Okay, OP, you have your answer - your kids don't actually need parents! Take up golf with DH and get ready for the transition to an empty nest by pretending it's already empty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

DP. The bolded is a huge assumption off "many days he doesn't see the kids before school." What happens on the other days? What happens in the hours that aren't "before school." My wife doesn't see the kids most days before school, but she does plenty of parenting work the rest of the time.

The OP doesn't provide any real information about what he's doing with the kids, mostly I think, because she doesn't actually care. This isn't a thread about who does the childcare, it's a thread about how a man who prioritizes not working his fingers to the bone is unattractive to her. It's a thread about how a man should have the kind of life that, at best, makes a person miserable and, at worst, is actively harmful to their health, so that a woman can find him attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

Well that addresses zero of my points, but a flounce was expected from the selective quoting and the fact you keep misrepresenting the fact pattern.

You don't have any points, you made up "facts" that weren't in the OP (from which I was directly getting MY info) to try and bolster your case against a DH you don't even know. Bizarre that you say I'm the one misrepresenting when you are literally spinning fairy tales.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

You mean he was working long hours being the person you wanted him to be and providing you the life you wanted? You can't both complain that he's unattractive when he's present and that he was absent when he was acting the way you find attractive.

He burned himself out being the kind of man you're attracted to and now he wants out. I don't blame him; that life is miserable.

But he is not present. He sleeps in, works out and golfs. It would be one thing if he was helping with the kids and the house but he is not. Also, why have kids if you're not going to raise them? Simply going to work and earning the money doesn't cut it. Everyone does that.

You said that when he was working he didn't see the kids in the morning. So, now that he's still working, he doesn't see the kids in the morning. Nothings changed on that front, except your perception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

DP. The bolded is a huge assumption off "many days he doesn't see the kids before school." What happens on the other days? What happens in the hours that aren't "before school." My wife doesn't see the kids most days before school, but she does plenty of parenting work the rest of the time.

The OP doesn't provide any real information about what he's doing with the kids, mostly I think, because she doesn't actually care. This isn't a thread about who does the childcare, it's a thread about how a man who prioritizes not working his fingers to the bone is unattractive to her. It's a thread about how a man should have the kind of life that, at best, makes a person miserable and, at worst, is actively harmful to their health, so that a woman can find him attractive.

WOW talk about assumptions (and projections)!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He can’t be sleeping in that late if he organizes his life around a 9:30 workout. It’s not like he’s sleeping til noon and sitting around like a lump all day.

Kids have to be at school by 7-8:30. He doesn't have to sleep til noon to avoid the morning rush, just sleep past all of the wake up /breakfast /out the door chaos. Her issue doesn't seem to be that he's too well-rested, it's that he's not helping where help would be useful but just prioritizing himself and his preferred schedule.

I’m a wife who WFH and earns more than my husband. I have a 13 and 16 year old and they make their own breakfasts, shower and get dressed on their own, make their own lunches, and get out the door on their own. I sleep through most of the “morning rush” because I have no part in it anymore, other than to say “bye, have a great day!”

Good for you and whatever works best for your family. My kids like to see me before school, even if it's just to tell me what they have going on that day, etc. Everyone is different.

And my teens like to sit down and talk about their day when they get home from school and I am so incredibly grateful every day that my WFH schedule makes it possible. OP is lucky that at least one parent can be home in the afternoon. In my experience, this is when a present adult really helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

DP. The bolded is a huge assumption off "many days he doesn't see the kids before school." What happens on the other days? What happens in the hours that aren't "before school." My wife doesn't see the kids most days before school, but she does plenty of parenting work the rest of the time.

The OP doesn't provide any real information about what he's doing with the kids, mostly I think, because she doesn't actually care. This isn't a thread about who does the childcare, it's a thread about how a man who prioritizes not working his fingers to the bone is unattractive to her. It's a thread about how a man should have the kind of life that, at best, makes a person miserable and, at worst, is actively harmful to their health, so that a woman can find him attractive.

WOW talk about assumptions (and projections)!!!

How so? OP said she was "happy" when he was being a workhorse, never seeing his children, never seeing her and burning out to bring home the bacon. Now that he's not doing that and looking for more balance, she doesn't want him anymore because it's not "manly".

PP 100% described this thread, OPs thoughts, and many pps replies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

I don't think you understand what an ultimatum is, because that aint it. And assuming gambling problems now? Hilarious! Really just making sh*t up to make the DH, who wants to spend more time with his family, a bad guy

Well that addresses zero of my points, but a flounce was expected from the selective quoting and the fact you keep misrepresenting the fact pattern.

You don't have any points, you made up "facts" that weren't in the OP (from which I was directly getting MY info) to try and bolster your case against a DH you don't even know. Bizarre that you say I'm the one misrepresenting when you are literally spinning fairy tales.

Actually, I quoted the OP directly, the part you were trying to ignore to misrepresent the situation. And I didn't make up any facts, I pointed out that there's no explanation for the need for more money. But you are super duper mad that I didn't fall for your cherry picking so here come the cursing and emojis. Don't interrupt your flounce on my behalf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh, now he wants to be Mr Mom, when they are 12 and 15 and almost completely self sufficient. Fascinating.

Yes - this also gets me.. He was so absent when I needed him. He went to the office before they went to school and came home after dinner. He never made an effort to help on a daily basis with the kids.

In one post you say this is what you love, and in another you say this is what you hate. What DO you want? He wants to be involved now, he wants to step back and have more time with family. Why does that bother you?

I don't see where people are getting this. He's already had all this free time since Covid and hasn't directed any of it toward his family/kids. He's saying he'll only do so if his wife gets a higher paying job. That's the bothersome part.

If someone's gone all day for a job then not helping with kids is reasonable because they simply can't. If someone is sleeping in every single morning while you handle the morning rush, not helping with kids is bothersome. My DH has an easy mostly-WFH job and can prioritize his workouts, but he's also a hands-on dad. I can't imagine how much I'd resent him if he was snoozing every morning while I handled wakeup/get dressed/breakfast/drop off by myself, or if he got off work every day before me but somehow I was still in charge of all household tasks.

And I don't see where you're getting this either, because OP doesn't say it's an either or situation. Just that its a "now that I have the flexibility, we can look at you expanding".

Quote for reference

"Now he's telling me I should find a new job that pays more because he can do all the shuttling of the kids/dr appts, housework, etc. I've made a sacrifice in comp and have worked a flexible job since they were little to be the main caretaker. "

If no one needs to be their main caretaker (because either OP is the only one and doesnt need DH, or if DH wants to the kids are old enough they no longer need one - make up your damn mind), why can't OP get a better job? Because she doesn't want to. Which is fine, but let's not call one person lazy and unambitious when the other won't lift a finger either...

From the OP, the part you didn't quote. "He sleeps in and many days he doesn't see the kids before school, he's up late watching tv several weeknights." So he has all the free time, and doesn't direct it to his kids or family. That's in the OP, it's not an assumption. Now read the part you're quoting - he's saying he *can* do those things, not that he does! So it's a weird ultimatum from him that she needs to go earn more money and then he'll step up on the kid/house front. She mommytracked herself because that was their agreement, which makes getting a higher paying job more difficult. And if you're so sure that he still makes a "high income" except now with only 10% of the effort why does she need to make more at all? Does someone have a gambling problem that hasn't come up?

He's not lazy because he works from home. I work from home, so does DH, it's great. He's lazy because he watches her do all the childcare/housework and just opts out to golf and sleep late and go to the gym. All things that benefit himself and only himself. And he's managed to frame any discussion around him contributing more around her "earning" his effort by making more money, even though she has a job and hasn't taken a step back on any front.

DP. The bolded is a huge assumption off "many days he doesn't see the kids before school." What happens on the other days? What happens in the hours that aren't "before school." My wife doesn't see the kids most days before school, but she does plenty of parenting work the rest of the time.

The OP doesn't provide any real information about what he's doing with the kids, mostly I think, because she doesn't actually care. This isn't a thread about who does the childcare, it's a thread about how a man who prioritizes not working his fingers to the bone is unattractive to her. It's a thread about how a man should have the kind of life that, at best, makes a person miserable and, at worst, is actively harmful to their health, so that a woman can find him attractive.

WOW talk about assumptions (and projections)!!!

Nope it's totally accurate. I'm just restating what OP has said alongside the reality of the life she's describing.