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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I divorced my ex who was just like this while my kid was very young.  This wasn't the deal breaker, but close.  I couldn't live like a married single mom for the rest of my life. The resentment between us would have messed up my child and the marriage would have ended more tumultuously than it did.

Honestly, best decision ever.  Not pushing for divorce, but [b]he won't change[/b].[/quote]

NP here. Maybe not, but it is possible to change.

When DD was really little DH would be sitting on the couch looking at his phone while I made dinner and DD screamed at me (we had a baby gate at the entrance to the kitchen). He'd also disappear randomly for hours to go to fitness classes.

Those first couple of years were rough. DH did not like being told what to do but was not particularly engaged in doing things right (e.g. not leaving DD alone on the changing table).

What has helped is:
- I told him clearly if things didn't change we would not stay married
- I demanded we set up predicable shifts for child care on the weekends. We switch it up but one of us is on in the morning and the other in the afternoon. The person not on duty is free to do they wish. No disappearing for hours during your shift.
- I really pick my battles and do not comment on his parenting unless it is a safety issue. So for example after potty training when he'd leave DD in her diaper for an hour or two in the morning even though she could use the potty just fine, I let it go.

Now things are pretty equal between us and I don't hate him.

[/quote]

I actually agree change is possible, but only if your husband really sees that your marriage is at stake and he wants to change.

My husband was a terrible partner when my daughter was born. I am still traumatized by him whining all day wanting to leave the hospital early after she was born because the pullout couch for dads was uncomfortable. He would order us takeout then plop it down just out of arms reach with no utensils while I was in the middle of marathon nursing sessions in the couch then head off into the kitchen to eat his own food. I would sit there smelling the food, ravenous, and crying. He would do “important errands” like driving an hour to the special cardboard recycling facility to offload Amazon boxes…meanwhile I wouldn’t have showered in 4 days, I was out of water, and I was stuck yet again on the couch with a nursing baby who screamed until she vomited whenever I put her down and who would only contact nap.

We had a marital blow up for other reasons and I brought up how crap he’d been as a dad and partner, and to his credit, ever since he has completely, 100% stepped up. I’ve been having health problems and he takes our toddler wherever she’s home. He makes all her meals. He’s the one who gets up with her at 6 am. He does all the laundry proactively. Truly, he has changed. But it did take a total threat to our marriage to get him into the headspace for it to be possible apparently.[/quote]

Here’s another great Zawn piece from Liberating Motherhood, about how men are at the root of much postpartum depression and how they can make recovery from childbirth and new motherhood so much better for their partners, if they wanted to:
https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/what-men-can-do-to-reduce-their-partners?r=3jztc&utm_medium=ios
[/quote]

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