Wife hates DC, but my job and friends are here

[Anonymous]

Does your wife follow Ballerina Farm and similar accounts? It’sa growing social media trend of wanting to flee to the country, but these are typically people with not much ambition. Does your wife work?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

PP, if you keep using that phrase your whole life as a way to rationalize being unhappy, that is how you will end up. Just because one doesn't like DC and wants to live in surroundings better suited to their personality and desires doesn't mean they think all their problems will be solved. But wouldn't it be nice to at least live where you want. Or at the very least, get out of a place you hate. There are dozens and dozens of people on here with valid reasons for why the don't like DC. Why harp on this one person whose husband sounds controlling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.

The issue with "bloom where you are planted" in these situations is that usually the person who wants to move HAS been blooming where they are planted. For years even. I've been living and working and raising kids in the DC area for 20 years and I've been wanting to leave the area for the last 10. But it's not like I sit in the corner with my arms crossed. While my DH has resisted leaving the area I've done everything I can to make our lives here as good as I possibly can. I'm on the PTA and volunteer in neighborhood clean ups. I teach a hobby I enjoy part time and am active in that community. We have lists of all the hikes and restaurants and cool things to do and I make plans for us to do one of them pretty much every weekend. I'm blooming as hard as I can.

But the truth is that I am a plant who is meant for different soil. I'm hardy and can make it work but the weather and environment here keep me from truly thriving. I've put down deep roots to try and soak up as much of the water and nutrients here that I can but I know I'd do better somewhere a little cooler with a real winter and less intensity and competition for those nutrients.

"Bloom where you're planted" is advice for a person who hasn't given a place a shot yet or is holding back from making connection or really building a life because their location isn't perfect or what they expected. It is not advice for people who have lived somewhere for a decade or more and even done fairly well there but feel like it just is not the right place for them. That person is already blooming where they are planted but still wants to move. That's allowed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

But a lot of people on here are telling you that when they moved away from DC, it made them happier. So in some cases, if the problem in your life is "I don't like DC", moving will actually apparently solve that problem.

I assume that the people who moved away from DC and felt happier had a logical plan that identified the specific factors they thought would work better (weather, cost, proximity to family, job opportunities, etc) and also a plan for how the new location would provide for their kids, and some agreement with their spouse. And they weren’t sitting around blaming DC for all their problems. This is very different from OP’s wife who just insists on moving to the middle of nowhere.

Beyond that, yeah, the people who think DC is the worst place ever and whine about it are annoying. There’s nothing wrong with DC. For a city it’s size it’s got a lot. If the commute is too long that’s an issue common to all suburbs. It is expensive here - that’s probably the biggest issue - but personally I know that my job doesn’t exist anywhere else so 🤷

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

Why is it a nightmare? I live in DC with my kids and husband. Kids went to DCPS. I grew up in a big city, not in the US. I love DC - so pretty and green.

I’ve lived in something like 10 states and 3 countries, so I’m coming at this from a pretty experienced perspective. We live in lower moco and can’t walk to a metro to get to work. Kids are in high school but can’t drive yet.

In my experience, everything in the dmv is way harder than it needs to be, and it’s really an amassing of a bunch of little things compounding in each other. There are two recent trips I can use to illustrate it.

Leave work in dc at 4:30. For some reason they don’t feel the need to work 24/7 on the parkway construction and taking 5 years working 6 hrs a day is totally cool. So you have to snake to get to Clara Barton. Every left turn takes 3-4 light cycles to get through because someone is on their phone, or someone coming from the other way blocks the intersection. It takes you 1:25 to go the 13 miles home. Then stop in at the grocery store to pick something up for dinner,m. The parking spaces are too small and everyone is parked over the lines. People is Escalades park in compact spots. People idle wherever they wanted blocking tesffic in the parking lot. Then get into the grocery store and the produce is terrible. There are no good heads of lettuce, the onion have flys all over them, the garlic barely looks edible. Then the grocery store only has one checked, the rest are self checkout and a bunch of people with full carts are taking their time. Then get home and make dinner and eat. Now it’s 8:30. And that’s summer without having to take the kids to any practices or games. Generally from when I leave my office until I walk through the front door, every interaction is with someone that has no consideration for anyone else. They feel no obligation to do their part to keep the machine oiled and running smoothly.

And i think I explained it, not going to do spell out what a trip to Gaithersburg or Wheaton Costco looks like.

Maybe we’ll feel differently when, like you, the kids are out of the house and we live in the city, if we decide to stay here at that point. But it’s not like this in other places we’ve lived. It’s not a full combat sport to go to the grocery store.

I really don’t understand how your example is any different than a major city suburb where you decided to live somewhat close…but obviously not close enough. It’s not DC specific.

We are walking to metro, grocery store (two actually)etc…not surprisingly, life is easier as a result.

I was trying to provide a “day in the life” example to give some context to why I feel the way I do. I’ve lived in Tokyo and Los Angeles so it’s not a “I hate big cities” thing or “I can’t stand traffic.” But it’s more wholistic than that. For me, routine things are just more of a pita here than other places, largely due to the people here generally being self consumed and lacking in any sort consideration for others.

Human beings are inherently adaptable, so I can understand how lifelong dmv residents don’t understand this, or how people that have lived here a long time don’t remember what it was like to live somewhere else. My main point was the stand up for the wife of the op a little. They do need to work it out as a couple, but she’s not off her rocker for hating the dmv.

You’ve got some kind of psychological issue. People aren’t worse in DC than other places. You’re just unhappy with the current phase of your life. Maybe you chose to prioritize a big house and “Top schools” over a neighborhood with a shorter commute. PS just get your groceries online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

PP, if you keep using that phrase your whole life as a way to rationalize being unhappy, that is how you will end up. Just because one doesn't like DC and wants to live in surroundings better suited to their personality and desires doesn't mean they think all their problems will be solved. But wouldn't it be nice to at least live where you want. Or at the very least, get out of a place you hate. There are dozens and dozens of people on here with valid reasons for why the don't like DC. Why harp on this one person whose husband sounds controlling?

Sometimes a different place could be better. Sometimes people are immature and lack introspection and believe everything wrong in their live can be blamed on something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.

The issue with "bloom where you are planted" in these situations is that usually the person who wants to move HAS been blooming where they are planted. For years even. I've been living and working and raising kids in the DC area for 20 years and I've been wanting to leave the area for the last 10. But it's not like I sit in the corner with my arms crossed. While my DH has resisted leaving the area I've done everything I can to make our lives here as good as I possibly can. I'm on the PTA and volunteer in neighborhood clean ups. I teach a hobby I enjoy part time and am active in that community. We have lists of all the hikes and restaurants and cool things to do and I make plans for us to do one of them pretty much every weekend. I'm blooming as hard as I can.

But the truth is that I am a plant who is meant for different soil. I'm hardy and can make it work but the weather and environment here keep me from truly thriving. I've put down deep roots to try and soak up as much of the water and nutrients here that I can but I know I'd do better somewhere a little cooler with a real winter and less intensity and competition for those nutrients.

"Bloom where you're planted" is advice for a person who hasn't given a place a shot yet or is holding back from making connection or really building a life because their location isn't perfect or what they expected. It is not advice for people who have lived somewhere for a decade or more and even done fairly well there but feel like it just is not the right place for them. That person is already blooming where they are planted but still wants to move. That's allowed!

Sounds like you spend all your time performing the role of super PTA mom instead of doing what you want, while telling yourself “if only I could ski I would be happy!”

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

Again, I think you are taking a weirdly extreme position here. I don't recall OP saying his wife feels that moving to the country means no problems ever again, for the rest of their lives. And I also don't recall him saying that his wife hates every second of her life in DC. But she's unhappy in DC, and she wants to live somewhere else - and it's just bizarre to deny that a person might feel that way, and be right about their preferences.

Did you not choose a place to live because you liked it there and thought you'd have a life you wanted to live there? Well OP's wife would like to do that, too - she's tried DC and it's not for her (crazy, right?).

Being in a family of course complicates things enormously. Only OP can speak to how that goes for their family. I just don't know why you have to dig in with that "only boring people get bored!" sort of platitudinous mindset about what OP's wife wants from her life.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.

The issue with "bloom where you are planted" in these situations is that usually the person who wants to move HAS been blooming where they are planted. For years even. I've been living and working and raising kids in the DC area for 20 years and I've been wanting to leave the area for the last 10. But it's not like I sit in the corner with my arms crossed. While my DH has resisted leaving the area I've done everything I can to make our lives here as good as I possibly can. I'm on the PTA and volunteer in neighborhood clean ups. I teach a hobby I enjoy part time and am active in that community. We have lists of all the hikes and restaurants and cool things to do and I make plans for us to do one of them pretty much every weekend. I'm blooming as hard as I can.

But the truth is that I am a plant who is meant for different soil. I'm hardy and can make it work but the weather and environment here keep me from truly thriving. I've put down deep roots to try and soak up as much of the water and nutrients here that I can but I know I'd do better somewhere a little cooler with a real winter and less intensity and competition for those nutrients.

"Bloom where you're planted" is advice for a person who hasn't given a place a shot yet or is holding back from making connection or really building a life because their location isn't perfect or what they expected. It is not advice for people who have lived somewhere for a decade or more and even done fairly well there but feel like it just is not the right place for them. That person is already blooming where they are planted but still wants to move. That's allowed!

That is really well put - and also, you sound like a really great and thoughtful person. I hope you get to move to the place with the soil that's right for you <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.

The issue with "bloom where you are planted" in these situations is that usually the person who wants to move HAS been blooming where they are planted. For years even. I've been living and working and raising kids in the DC area for 20 years and I've been wanting to leave the area for the last 10. But it's not like I sit in the corner with my arms crossed. While my DH has resisted leaving the area I've done everything I can to make our lives here as good as I possibly can. I'm on the PTA and volunteer in neighborhood clean ups. I teach a hobby I enjoy part time and am active in that community. We have lists of all the hikes and restaurants and cool things to do and I make plans for us to do one of them pretty much every weekend. I'm blooming as hard as I can.

But the truth is that I am a plant who is meant for different soil. I'm hardy and can make it work but the weather and environment here keep me from truly thriving. I've put down deep roots to try and soak up as much of the water and nutrients here that I can but I know I'd do better somewhere a little cooler with a real winter and less intensity and competition for those nutrients.

"Bloom where you're planted" is advice for a person who hasn't given a place a shot yet or is holding back from making connection or really building a life because their location isn't perfect or what they expected. It is not advice for people who have lived somewhere for a decade or more and even done fairly well there but feel like it just is not the right place for them. That person is already blooming where they are planted but still wants to move. That's allowed!

You articulated how I feel really well. We left DC a few years ago and live where my H grew up. I despise this place with every fiber of my being. I’ve tried so hard to “bloom” but it’s just not where I’m meant to be.

If any DC wives want to swap places with me and live in NM, I’m open to it. My H is pretty good looking, 6’2, full head of hair, makes $90k, enjoys collecting rocks.

[Anonymous]

My friend ad her husband moved to nowhere, WV. They are mostly remote work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

Why is it a nightmare? I live in DC with my kids and husband. Kids went to DCPS. I grew up in a big city, not in the US. I love DC - so pretty and green.

I’ve lived in something like 10 states and 3 countries, so I’m coming at this from a pretty experienced perspective. We live in lower moco and can’t walk to a metro to get to work. Kids are in high school but can’t drive yet.

In my experience, everything in the dmv is way harder than it needs to be, and it’s really an amassing of a bunch of little things compounding in each other. There are two recent trips I can use to illustrate it.

Leave work in dc at 4:30. For some reason they don’t feel the need to work 24/7 on the parkway construction and taking 5 years working 6 hrs a day is totally cool. So you have to snake to get to Clara Barton. Every left turn takes 3-4 light cycles to get through because someone is on their phone, or someone coming from the other way blocks the intersection. It takes you 1:25 to go the 13 miles home. Then stop in at the grocery store to pick something up for dinner,m. The parking spaces are too small and everyone is parked over the lines. People is Escalades park in compact spots. People idle wherever they wanted blocking tesffic in the parking lot. Then get into the grocery store and the produce is terrible. There are no good heads of lettuce, the onion have flys all over them, the garlic barely looks edible. Then the grocery store only has one checked, the rest are self checkout and a bunch of people with full carts are taking their time. Then get home and make dinner and eat. Now it’s 8:30. And that’s summer without having to take the kids to any practices or games. Generally from when I leave my office until I walk through the front door, every interaction is with someone that has no consideration for anyone else. They feel no obligation to do their part to keep the machine oiled and running smoothly.

And i think I explained it, not going to do spell out what a trip to Gaithersburg or Wheaton Costco looks like.

Maybe we’ll feel differently when, like you, the kids are out of the house and we live in the city, if we decide to stay here at that point. But it’s not like this in other places we’ve lived. It’s not a full combat sport to go to the grocery store.

That does sound pretty bad. I would hate that. I live in DC and don’t have these kinds of issues so maybe why I have a different perspective. Kids go to public school and metro/bus all over the city. It is not perfect but in general we like it. I would hate to move somewhere without strong public transportation

[Anonymous]

"Bloom where you're planted"

Horrible advice!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else!

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.

But a lot of people on here are telling you that when they moved away from DC, it made them happier. So in some cases, if the problem in your life is "I don't like DC", moving will actually apparently solve that problem.

I assume that the people who moved away from DC and felt happier had a logical plan that identified the specific factors they thought would work better (weather, cost, proximity to family, job opportunities, etc) and also a plan for how the new location would provide for their kids, and some agreement with their spouse. And they weren’t sitting around blaming DC for all their problems. This is very different from OP’s wife who just insists on moving to the middle of nowhere.

Beyond that, yeah, the people who think DC is the worst place ever and whine about it are annoying. There’s nothing wrong with DC. For a city it’s size it’s got a lot. If the commute is too long that’s an issue common to all suburbs. It is expensive here - that’s probably the biggest issue - but personally I know that my job doesn’t exist anywhere else so 🤷

OP hasn’t even come back a single time to provide more info. We have zero idea if his wife has a plan or not.