Wife hates DC, but my job and friends are here

[Anonymous]

As someone that grew up in rural Appalachia and couldn't wait to get TF out, I'll take DC over being in a place like that ever again. Nothing says "I value land" like living an hour to the closest grocery store (a Walmart), 2+hrs to the closest hospital, and never seeing family because no one wants to drive out to BF Nowhere.

[Anonymous]

We left DC for the middle of nowhere (to a DC person). City with 100,000 people a few hour's drive from any big city. It's been great. In this day and age, you can remote work and your dollar with go WAY further. Our teens became different people. They started smiling, were happy, and actually made a few friends. Their schooling was just as good (if not better) than the DMV, with half the class size. We have a huge house with a gracious southern porch and big yard. Never had that in the DMV, would never have been attainable.

You have to be willing to shed your DC identity. It's easy to have DC become the way you describe yourself, but there's a hell of a lot of great people and places to be beyond the Woodbridge Ikea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife hates DC—doesn’t like cities in general and has nothing good to say about dc. My job is in dc and our kids are in school and thriving. I think we could also be happy in the country (her preference), but we’d have to sell our house and I’d have to give up a job I love.

I want her to be happy and I can’t imagine another 10 years of knowing she’s miserable…but I really don’t want to leave. She wouldn’r be happy just moving the burbs in the DMV; she wants to be in the middle of nowhere. Ugh.

Could she be dehydrated? A good way to tell is you take a fork and press the thongs horizontally against a fleshy area (thighs, inner arms, even fingertips) and see how long the resulting ridges remain visible. If they don’t fade very quickly (almost immediately) she may be dehydrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife hates DC—doesn’t like cities in general and has nothing good to say about dc. My job is in dc and our kids are in school and thriving. I think we could also be happy in the country (her preference), but we’d have to sell our house and I’d have to give up a job I love.

I want her to be happy and I can’t imagine another 10 years of knowing she’s miserable…but I really don’t want to leave. She wouldn’r be happy just moving the burbs in the DMV; she wants to be in the middle of nowhere. Ugh.

Could she be dehydrated? A good way to tell is you take a fork and press the thongs horizontally against a fleshy area (thighs, inner arms, even fingertips) and see how long the resulting ridges remain visible. If they don’t fade very quickly (almost immediately) she may be dehydrated.

this is an epic response

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We left DC for the middle of nowhere (to a DC person). City with 100,000 people a few hour's drive from any big city. It's been great. In this day and age, you can remote work and your dollar with go WAY further. Our teens became different people. They started smiling, were happy, and actually made a few friends. Their schooling was just as good (if not better) than the DMV, with half the class size. We have a huge house with a gracious southern porch and big yard. Never had that in the DMV, would never have been attainable.

You have to be willing to shed your DC identity. It's easy to have DC become the way you describe yourself, but there's a hell of a lot of great people and places to be beyond the Woodbridge Ikea.

I mean, all you did was relocate to a smaller city. Hardly nobel prize winning stuff …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

Some of us don’t find out lives and jobs in DC to be drudgery. Agree that if you do you should try to find something else. But it’s dumb to pretend we can all move to beach towns with remote jobs. You probably inherited a lot of $$. Also OP’s wife appears to have zero plans for how to make a life elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

Some of us don’t find out lives and jobs in DC to be drudgery. Agree that if you do you should try to find something else. But it’s dumb to pretend we can all move to beach towns with remote jobs. You probably inherited a lot of $$. Also OP’s wife appears to have zero plans for how to make a life elsewhere.

"Drudgery" is a pretty common complaint for people living in DC. That may not be your experience, but I'm the PP who said I never had a single friend in DC who wasn't just running out the clock to be able to live somewhere better.

I didn't inherit any money. My parents are both alive - but granted they did pay for law school (I'm an immigrant so wasn't eligible for loans). DH grew up on food stamps, and now makes 7 figures. How? We both hustled our butts off during our 20s and early 30s in DC, and we strategized a ton for careers that would eventually give us geographic flexibility. We also probably both make less, and might have a shorter career, than we could if we'd stayed up north, but we're okay with that trade off.

OP hasn't come back at all, so he still hasn't even told us if his wife works or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

+1

-100

I live in DC and I love it. Moved here after college - live a few places in between but always came back. And I know lots of people who love it here too. However, we all live IN DC proper. Not saying there aren't things that drive me crazy - DCPS Central Office, Republicans messing with us, the month of August and the ridiculous profusion of speed bumps - do they propagate with underground runners? - but I love DC. Happy and raising my family here.

This is a fair distinction. If I was only responsible for myself and lived walking distance to work and everything else need to live, it might be a fun lifestyle. Try living in one of the suburbs on the beltway, like silver spring, Potomac, Springfield, Fairfax, etc. have both spouses working, 2 kids with school and activities, and try to get through workweek, then make a Costco run on Saturday. I dare you! That’s what many of the posters are taking about here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

Why is it a nightmare? I live in DC with my kids and husband. Kids went to DCPS. I grew up in a big city, not in the US. I love DC - so pretty and green.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

Of course, with a ton of money, life is pretty sweet. No arguments there

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife hates DC—doesn’t like cities in general and has nothing good to say about dc. My job is in dc and our kids are in school and thriving. I think we could also be happy in the country (her preference), but we’d have to sell our house and I’d have to give up a job I love.

I want her to be happy and I can’t imagine another 10 years of knowing she’s miserable…but I really don’t want to leave. She wouldn’r be happy just moving the burbs in the DMV; she wants to be in the middle of nowhere. Ugh.

Could she be dehydrated? A good way to tell is you take a fork and press the thongs horizontally against a fleshy area (thighs, inner arms, even fingertips) and see how long the resulting ridges remain visible. If they don’t fade very quickly (almost immediately) she may be dehydrated.

Hahah. All those hanging ozempic faces might be dehydrated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

Funny. My siblings family lives in Oahu now.

Yeah they love the beaches and offseason.

Wanna know how costly it is for anyone to visit or for five tix to come here is? Or how long it took them to buy and shipped a used car? Or how long Amazon prime takes to deliver? Or what the actual offering of sports is for their kids? Or how much a gallon of milk is? Or any other imported food item is? Or how long the lines are during high tourists seasons to even do dole plantation or diamondhead or drive in gridlock to the north beaches? Or how much to park for dinner in Waikiki?

Wanna know how many Hawaiian centipedes they trap in their house each month?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

You act like they don't have schools and kid activities in places like La Jolla or Hawaii. Lots of regular people live in places like that, with regular kids and regular lives.

We left DC for a "let's live where we love" place. I'm currently working from home literally looking out at the ocean 75 feet away from me while I type this. So far today I went for a lovely 1 hour bikeride, went for a 30 minute walk on the beach with DS, and had a casual lunch with DS and DH at a fish shack on the water. We'll work a bit this afternoon then having friends over for cocktails in the sand tonight. I'll admit that I usually work more during the day, and have less 'fun' stuff, but DS goes back to school next week so we're living a little.... DS attends a magnet public school that is ranked in the top ten schools in the country.

I appreciate not everyone can do this. But a lot of people can, if you make choices for your lives. A lot of people around us are DC and NY transplants who strategized on ways to make their professional lives more geographically flexible.

People like the PP who are like "oh but if you want kids and jobs, then you just have to accept that life is a 40 year drudgery..." are pretty symptomatic of DC.

Funny. My siblings family lives in Oahu now.

Yeah they love the beaches and offseason.

Wanna know how costly it is for anyone to visit or for five tix to come here is? Or how long it took them to buy and shipped a used car? Or how long Amazon prime takes to deliver? Or what the actual offering of sports is for their kids? Or how much a gallon of milk is? Or any other imported food item is? Or how long the lines are during high tourists seasons to even do dole plantation or diamondhead or drive in gridlock to the north beaches? Or how much to park for dinner in Waikiki?

Wanna know how many Hawaiian centipedes they trap in their house each month?

Idk I might take that over the humid summers and gray winters of DC. The only thing that would hold me back are the available schools and sports my kids.