Wife hates DC, but my job and friends are here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

How so? I'm honestly not feeling this. What is so difficult for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

+1

[Anonymous]

Your wife is onto something: DC is getting a rep.

1. Loneliest city for second year in a row: https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2024/02/14/loneliest-us-cities-chamber-of-commerce-analysis.html
2. Officially ranked as the least desirable place to live: https://www.timeout.com/washington-dc/news/is-d-c-the-least-desirable-city-in-the-u-s-080624

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

How so? I'm honestly not feeling this. What is so difficult for you?

NP but what is so difficult for you to see that there are many who don’t like cities in general and especially not DC. I am not a city person in general. but DC is absolutely one of my least favorite cities

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife is onto something: DC is getting a rep.

1. Loneliest city for second year in a row: https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2024/02/14/loneliest-us-cities-chamber-of-commerce-analysis.html
2. Officially ranked as the least desirable place to live: https://www.timeout.com/washington-dc/news/is-d-c-the-least-desirable-city-in-the-u-s-080624

"Americans consider Tampa the most desirable major metro area in the U.S"

Haha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your financial situation, but we were in that situation. We bought a country home where I spend much of the summer. I’m a teacher though, so I have that kind of flexibility. Spending several weeks away from the hustle and bustle lets me recharge my battery for the school year.

[Anonymous]

There are "remote-feeling" exurbs in this area, OP. My friend just moved to one near Brookeville, MD. It feels entirely rural (horse country), and it's 30-45 min away from DC. Her house is grand and lovely, she has extensive grounds, her neighbors are far away. It could be the best of both worlds for your family.

[Anonymous]

In my marriage I am the one who is over DC and wants to leave. I think this is partly because I have been here longer -- 20 years to DH's 10. I also think that because I am the primary parent I interact with more different institutions in DC (schools and activities and childcare etc) whereas he mostly just interacts with work and friends. I also handle most of the stuff related to our house. When I was in my 20s and mostly just interacted with work and friends I really liked DC. After years of dealing with child-related stuff plus being a home owner in DC I am pretty tired of it.

Anyway we are compromising by staying in DC until kids finish elementary and then moving to suburbs. It will make school easier and will also give us more space when kids are older and need more space. For me it means 4 more years of living in the city and not really liking it but I can look forward to a house with a yard and a garden and less density and better schools in 4 years. DH gets four more years to enjoy being in the city and will hopefully feel more ready to move on at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

[Anonymous]

My friend takes the train to his DC job from outer boondocks. The kids will adapt. Move ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

Wrong. I do not like this city, period. And the only reason I am forced to "bloom where I am planted" (and thanks for bringing back images of my childhood refrigerator covered in corny magnets by my mother) is because my NPD husband retraded on me. There's reason to be resentful. While I have lived here, I became extremely successful in my career and raised two children who are now in top 20 universities and thriving. So I did my best to "bloom," thanks. Meanwhile, one of my kids is also a country person who will not come back here after college. Some of us just really don't like to have thousands of striving, nerdy, indoor people judging us all day every day.

[Anonymous]

Just divorce