Reply to Wife hates DC, but my job and friends are here

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly. [/quote]

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.[/quote]

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC.  But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs.  I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs.  A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.  [/quote]

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.[/quote]

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best. [/quote]

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying
[/quote]

Ok well there’s a reason why the saying exists. you can move too but it’s irrational to expect moving to solve all your problems, and unfair to demand everyone else uproot their lives. [/quote]

I did move to a place where I am happier than I was in DC! For me it was the grey weather. Now we're somewhere sunny. I actually liked a lot about living in DC - but I was so unhappy about the weather that this chance was transformative for me.

Every place has its downsides, and there are good things about every place, too. But if you are fundamentally at odds with the place where you are living, it's really just sh***y to tell someone to suck it up and make a gratitude journal, because unhappiness is really just all in your head. You also have the choice to, you know, go somewhere else![/quote]

Nobody said to make a gratitude journal. But if you cannot find things you enjoy here, that’s a you problem. Not saying DC is better than every place or people don’t have real preferences. It’s just extremely immature to believe moving solves all your problems.[/quote]

This PP keeps saying the same thing. There are real things to dislike about living. All quite objectively make it a pretty rotten place to live. It's strange that they keep responding the same thing. I assume it's somebody who also fought their spouse to stay here.[/quote]

The issue with "bloom where you are planted" in these situations is that usually the person who wants to move HAS been blooming where they are planted. For years even. I've been living and working and raising kids in the DC area for 20 years and I've been wanting to leave the area for the last 10. But it's not like I sit in the corner with my arms crossed. While my DH has resisted leaving the area I've done everything I can to make our lives here as good as I possibly can. I'm on the PTA and volunteer in neighborhood clean ups. I teach a hobby I enjoy part time and am active in that community. We have lists of all the hikes and restaurants and cool things to do and I make plans for us to do one of them pretty much every weekend. I'm blooming as hard as I can.

But the truth is that I am a plant who is meant for different soil. I'm hardy and can make it work but the weather and environment here keep me from truly thriving. I've put down deep roots to try and soak up as much of the water and nutrients here that I can but I know I'd do better somewhere a little cooler with a real winter and less intensity and competition for those nutrients.

"Bloom where you're planted" is advice for a person who hasn't given a place a shot yet or is holding back from making connection or really building a life because their location isn't perfect or what they expected. It is not advice for people who have lived somewhere for a decade or more and even done fairly well there but feel like it just is not the right place for them. That person is already blooming where they are planted but still wants to move. That's allowed![/quote]

Sounds like you spend all your time performing the role of super PTA mom instead of doing what you want, while telling yourself “if only I could ski I would be happy!”[/quote]

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