Wife hates DC, but my job and friends are here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Buy a 2nd home in the country side. Or maybe rent one for a year to try it out. Wife can spend more time out there, if she has the flexibility while you are working and kids are in school.

Lots of folks in the DC area do this, if they have the means. Properties are cheap in West Virginia.

🙄🙄🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

Dc natives who actually love dc were out priced and essentially booted from DC into the suburbs by greedy transplants and their country bumpkin families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Buy a 2nd home in the country side. Or maybe rent one for a year to try it out. Wife can spend more time out there, if she has the flexibility while you are working and kids are in school.

Lots of folks in the DC area do this, if they have the means. Properties are cheap in West Virginia.

🙄🙄🙄

this actually what I'm doing. DH hates it here and I don't want to hear his rants. Now that the kids are out of the house, I'm selling the house, buying a small country property and a condo here for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

+1000 I'm trying to flee this nightmare myself right now. Living here is not normal by any means.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

+1

-100

I live in DC and I love it. Moved here after college - live a few places in between but always came back. And I know lots of people who love it here too. However, we all live IN DC proper. Not saying there aren't things that drive me crazy - DCPS Central Office, Republicans messing with us, the month of August and the ridiculous profusion of speed bumps - do they propagate with underground runners? - but I love DC. Happy and raising my family here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

Wrong. I do not like this city, period. And the only reason I am forced to "bloom where I am planted" (and thanks for bringing back images of my childhood refrigerator covered in corny magnets by my mother) is because my NPD husband retraded on me. There's reason to be resentful. While I have lived here, I became extremely successful in my career and raised two children who are now in top 20 universities and thriving. So I did my best to "bloom," thanks. Meanwhile, one of my kids is also a country person who will not come back here after college. Some of us just really don't like to have thousands of striving, nerdy, indoor people judging us all day every day.

It’s YOUR fault that you haven’t divorced and moved yourself some place you prefer. Also YOUR fault if you cannot find something to like about DC. If you’re not willing to improve your life there’s nothing that anyone or anyplace can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

If you can only be happy in Manhattan, La Jolla, or Jackson Hole, you’ve got issues moving is never going to solve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

If you can only be happy in Manhattan, La Jolla, or Jackson Hole, you’ve got issues moving is never going to solve.

You missed the point.

Why live in DC when you can live somewhere fabulous?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife hates DC—doesn’t like cities in general and has nothing good to say about dc. My job is in dc and our kids are in school and thriving. I think we could also be happy in the country (her preference), but we’d have to sell our house and I’d have to give up a job I love.

I want her to be happy and I can’t imagine another 10 years of knowing she’s miserable…but I really don’t want to leave. She wouldn’r be happy just moving the burbs in the DMV; she wants to be in the middle of nowhere. Ugh.

Your post makes no sense.

WTF is her plan for HHI, kids’ schooling & socialization, airports for travel, etc in the “countryside”.
What does she even have in mind?

This sounds so half baked it’s like another Troll post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

If you can only be happy in Manhattan, La Jolla, or Jackson Hole, you’ve got issues moving is never going to solve.

You missed the point.

Why live in DC when you can live somewhere fabulous?

umm because most of us cannot afford to just pick up and move to Jackson Hole? Or move away from jobs, schools and community? It’s fine if a couple decides to relocate to a different place because they like that better but really immature to declare “DC is horrible and I can never be happy here and we have to move to La Jolla.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

This. It’s a company town. Almost everyone who lives in DC does so for professional reasons.

Not the case for truly desirable locations like NY, LA, La Jolla, Jackson Hole, Jupiter Island etc.

If you can only be happy in Manhattan, La Jolla, or Jackson Hole, you’ve got issues moving is never going to solve.

You missed the point.

Why live in DC when you can live somewhere fabulous?

We think DC is fabulous, and neither of us is from here and we both work private sector.

It’s all relative, but we’ve lived or schooled in Minneapolis, Boston, NyC, London, and Philly.

We LOVE the DC area climate, short winters, 3 airports, museum & downtown amenities, tons of colleges, short drive to mountains/ ocean/ other major cities, diverse set of people & disciplines in the DMV, lots of little kid programs & preschools, lots of tween & teen well-resourced sports and academic programs, tons of private or parochial or public schools.

There are so many worse places and climates with super hot summers, or zero topography, or no culture or diversity, no sports teams, etc.

Living in the countryside is for a second home or vacation or retirement before you need tons of elderly care.

[Anonymous]

Sure Hawaii, La Jolla, Jackson hole are beautiful places but we also need good jobs, kid stuff, easy logistics.

[Anonymous]

Yeah let’s live in a mountain valley town with tons of snow whilst are kids are k-12 and we need good income.

Makes sense. Must be so cheap with families everywhere too, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would consider whether something else is really at the bottom of this issue, like your wife feels generally unheard/unappreciated, and is focusing on this issue. Are there other resentments that she's not voicing, but are piling on here? Is it like a midlife crisis? I'd try to figure out what's really driving the emotions here, before proceeding accordingly.

Oh give me a break. Dc is a nightmare. Everything is way more difficult than it needs to be. It’s perfectly reasonable to hate dc without it being a sign of some hidden issue with the relationship.

This. I don't know a single person who "likes" DC. I know many people who like their professional opportunities in DC. But everyone I know in DC is at best tolerating DC as a place they will live "until they can go somewhere else" when they retire or their kids get older.

I understand there are -some- people out there who love DC. I've heard of them. In the 15 years I spent there, I was never friends with any of them. In fact, 25 years later, I don't have many friends left in DC. Probably just a handful, plus old work colleagues.

In light of that, I don't think that just because you live in DC now, that means forever and ever, your family has to stay in DC or its crappy rural suburbs. I don't think the compromise is a house in the burbs. A compromise is like "we've been in DC for ages 25-45 because that's where we met in grad school so it made sense to stay, but let's go somewhere else for ages 45-64".

But like another poster said, all of this depends on many additional facts, like how you ended up in dc, what your original ties are, what you both do, has your wife always expressed this, was there a plan to stay in DC, what do you do, what does she do, etc etc.

I moved here for my husband, who is from here and promised it was only while he gained experience. Twenty-five years later and I cannot tell you the hatred and resentment I have toward him, which no matter how much therapy or work on myself I have tried, will not subside. Unfortunately, I got so settled into my job here, too, that I really won't be able to get a job elsewhere. And because he made us live in this expensive city, we won't be able to retire and move somewhere else until we're dead. I feel like I gave away the whole second half of my life over his bonehead decisions. Every time I tried to force the issue, I was basically threatened with divorce and I didn't want to break up our family. OP, if you ever promised her that DC would not be forever, you better deliver. My husband is in for a world of pain when I leave as soon as I can.

there’s a reason why the saying “bloom where you are planted” exists. Yes, this area has it’s negatives, but it’s definitely grown on me and has plenty of plusses. Being convinced that DC is ruining your life and you can ONLY be happy in a rural area is a mental health/character issue, not reality. If OP’s wife said “Hey, I want a bigger house, smaller community, closer to hiking, space to have chickens” - yes, that makes sense and you can work with that. Saying “DC is ruining my life and I will only be happy in the middle of the country” is self-deception at best.

NP and I cannot tell you how much I hate that saying