How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'd love to have my cake and eat it too. Get divorced, marry a new man, live somewhere where I have a great career and friends, AND my children follow me here, come over for dinner every Sunday, and bring the grandkids over when I'm not busy doing other things.

Great life!

Sign me up to!

- signed, someone who uprooted my life to move near my son once he had kids and told me he wanted help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m wondering if your friend group norms are what’s behind this question, OP. Are you getting lots of questions from them about why your kids don’t live near you? Is it making you feel bad?

In my experience, one set of grandparents only wanted to “help” bc they wanted their friends to think better of them. They wanted to be able to post on FB about it more than they really wanted to spend quality time with their grandkids.

This sounds like OP as well. She doesnt actually have any time energy or want to spend time with the kids, she just thinks it will make her look good to everyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do their spouses feel about you , OP?

Here’s what this looks like from the other side.

I’m married to someone with a remote job who goes into the DC office once a week. We moved here before his job turned fully remote. His parents happen to live in DC - mom moved here when he was in college and remarried. He has no connections or childhood friends here. The relationship with the stepfather is polite, but formal and lacking in any shared history or real affection.

We had a kid and the help from my MIL has been wonderful. However she has a busy social life and her own projects, hobbies and taking care of DC is only one part of her life. This means I am still the primary care giver and cannot go back to work. Now that DC is a little older we are moving to Boston where husband and I lived previously for many years and loved. We also believe that it’s a better place to raise our kids longterm for a variety of reasons.

MIL is upset at this decision. She has tries to influence and delay our move through a variety of indirect and passive aggressive ways. This has caused tension in our relationship, which guess what, makes us want to move even more. What we’ve realized is that as much as we love the childcare help (weekly date nights, I get a break during the week), it comes with seeing a lot of MIL and the stepfather, and their constant involvement in our life which isn’t great for the health of our relationship. In addition we genuinely prefer Boston over DC.

Your AC have already told you part of the reason - they don’t like DC and as many apps point out, they aren’t unreasonable in this preference. Your childcare help may not be enough to overweigh their other preferences, and it doesn’t help that they don’t even have history with your spouse and DC.

No more posting about our personal life online. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

No advice but I could be your AC. Grew up in a 2nd tier town in the south that I had no interest in spending another day in once I left for college. They were fine, I was materially provided for but zero emotional depth or warmth. Ironically enough my parents were also transplants who moved away from their parents for job reasons, so I also grew up only seeing my grandparents a few times a year. I've repeated the cycle and now live in the NYC suburbs with my DH and our 2 small children.

My dad is great but my mother is a ball of anxiety and narcissism and I can only handle her in small doses. When she does come to town to "help" with our kids it's really just to get a few pictures with them for FB and then she's off doing her own thing, visiting the city or laying in her room watching tv on her iPad all day while I work and my nanny takes actual care of them.

At her request I begrudingly flew down with the kids to their new home in FL this winter to visit for a week and never again. Same deal - are you actually hands-on helpful? They left me with 2 toddlers all day in a strange home with no food and no babyproofing, no car or mode of transit, so they could go play golf and pickleball all day and come back in time for dinner and grandparent-of-the-year pictures for social media.

And they wonder why I don't call or visit more. Thankfully my ILs are truly wonderful people and I am trying to do much better for my children.

[Anonymous]

Offer them a rent free house if they move near you to raise your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

OP divorced their father and wonders why they didn't choose to live near her? In my experience, AC do not run to the parent who broke up the family.

Further, if you didn't grow up in DC, there's no reason to sign up for the traffic. It's a reasonable enough place to live, but it's quite expensive and not an easy place to start a family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

You don't break up their family and marry a stranger. OP, you are aware enough to wonder about this, what's preventing you from accepting it?

I get it, you probably tried your best and waited until the kids were in college to divorce, a lot of parents don't even do that. But your relationship with your kids sound similar to mine - cordial but not affectionate - I'm divorced as well. Those of my friends who have loving, affectionate, intimate relationships with their AC all have pretty good (at least still intact) marriages. Part of the reason why kids want to return "home" is because it reminds them of their childhood, and for those who had the fortune of a great childhood, it means a happy, stable family environment and happily married parents, and a return to a familiar physical setting where they were once carefree and unconditionally loved. It should be obvious that DC and the home you have with your new husband are not those things for your AC.

I tried my best and have now let go of the guilt I feel. But I also don't expect to be showered with affection by my AC and for them to want to settle next to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP divorced their father and wonders why they didn't choose to live near her? In my experience, AC do not run to the parent who broke up the family.

Further, if you didn't grow up in DC, there's no reason to sign up for the traffic. It's a reasonable enough place to live, but it's quite expensive and not an easy place to start a family.

Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

Most divorces I've seen have been initiated by the wife because she's not "fulfilled" or some similar complaint. The other major cause is infidelity, which is an equal opportunity problem. In all cases, the destruction of the family unit was caused for selfish reasons. The divorced should be shamed early and often. Agree that it's better to build a relationship, but OP is divorced so not exactly an expert in building long-term functional relationships.

Similarly, there are two types of grandparents. Those who are interested in the grandkids and those who are more self-interested. The former will make the grandkids the center of the universe and the latter will want the grandkids to be adjacent for photo opportunities but not much else. Folks wondering what kind they are need only count the number of days they've spent on vacation in the past 12 months and compare that to the number of days watching and helping with the grandkids. If the ratio isn't at least 2 days helping for every day of traveling, you're a selfish grandparent. That doesn't make you bad, but it does show your motivations lie outside your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Why would your adult children who work in tech choose to live in the DC metro area where they will likely be chained to federal contracting adjacent careers? If they have solid careers in areas that are more lucrative and provide more opportunities, it would be short sighted to leave the west coast. They didn’t grow up in the DMV and have no connection to the area - why would they want to raise their children here?

My retired parents moved to be close to me. They left the place where I was raised and where they had lived their whole lives to be close to my kids. I didn’t ask them to - they just announced they were moving and did it even those offered to buy an apartment here and let them “snow bird” half the year while keeping their house. Adult children in their peak earning years should not move to be close to the parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP divorced their father and wonders why they didn't choose to live near her? In my experience, AC do not run to the parent who broke up the family.

Further, if you didn't grow up in DC, there's no reason to sign up for the traffic. It's a reasonable enough place to live, but it's quite expensive and not an easy place to start a family.

Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

Well, that's not the kind of step-parent OP chose for her family.

The thing about divorce is unless your parents stay near each other, it's hard to move near both of them. So you have to pick one, or avoid it.

[Anonymous]

I am very close to my parents and we have a great relationship, but I have lived an ocean away my entire adult life. My kids are closer to them than to my in-laws who live 20 mins away. There are upsides to distance: time spent together is special, uninterrupted and more focused. My parents got to travel and see more of the world than they ever imagined they would. I'll be sad on some level if my kids move, but I know I will keep being involved no matter what and still see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I decided we need to be prepared to move to where our kids end up living and won’t expect they will decide to settle in DC.

We are fine with but don’t love the DC area so good with us.

This.

My neighbor has a house here and a condo out west near her daughter. I want to do something similar if I’m able. I fully want and expect my kids to live their own lives with no expectation that they settle near us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP divorced their father and wonders why they didn't choose to live near her? In my experience, AC do not run to the parent who broke up the family.

Further, if you didn't grow up in DC, there's no reason to sign up for the traffic. It's a reasonable enough place to live, but it's quite expensive and not an easy place to start a family.

Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

THis---it's 100% on the parent to make it happen. But don't expect your kids to not live in same town as you, even if it is where they grew up. Many of us want out (I don't want to continue living in the South) or simply want to go where the jobs are. Fact is many of us love the West coast and all it has to offer. Once you try it you wont leave. Parent can follow the kids if they really want to be close

[Anonymous]

Everyone is allowed a preference for where to live. Family is just a small part of it. Their own, individual preference should always be honored and respected. Don't respect their individual preference? then you aren't showing respect to them as an adult.