How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I cannot move. My husband’s career is tied up in DC. I am not retired and care very much about my work. But I have the flexibility and hours to help out a lot with childcare.

So you choose your spouse and your career over your children but are surprised and sad that that do the same? Hmmm…

[Anonymous]

One of my uncle built six fancy houses for himself and her kids on same street so they can live there after their marriages. Only one lived there, others sold homes and moved to different states. Its not they didn't love him or wanted to be near him, everyone found better job opportunities elsewhere for themselves or their spouses. Obviously, he was loved but his wish to live together wasn't as high on their priority lists.

[Anonymous]

*his

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I've a physician friend whose son lived at home during college and grad school because she refused to pay for apartments or let him take loans. She got him married to her brother's adopted daughter who wanted to move to US. Both of them are working now in entry level jobs and can't afford the lifestyle parents offer so still living with mom and no plans to move out as mom would also provide free childcare when its time.

He was convinced to marry his cousin?

😳

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you too could pack up and move near one of them.

+1 OP's view is very self-centered. They are entitled to live their lives, launch their careers, settle where it's best for them.

My parents moved close to where I live (DC) because they wanted to be near me. Now I have small kids, we see them a lot, they are a great help, the kids love them. I feel very lucky. But this was the right place for my career interest and my spouse's. They would never have expected me to go back to the town I grew up in. They are immigrants themselves and left their families to move halfway across the world.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my mom, OP. She’s a good mom, and I love her, but our relationship is polite. I don’t share my feelings with her. She doesn’t listen very well nor empathize nor respect them. Meanwhile she has a lot of things she’d like for me to do for her, and she doesn’t care what that would mean for me. She means well, but spending time with her feels like being on a long conference call with all the politeness and half-listening. It’s not how I like to spend my spare time.

Being with my mom and child is like having two emotionally needy people to care for instead of just the one.

If I could talk to her, I would tell her that I’d like to talk to someone who takes care of her own feelings and listens to others, but I can’t say this. When I’ve tried she gets upset, defensive, argumentative. I want to tell her she can’t argue my feelings away, but she has an argument for that too. So I just stay sad about it and try my best to make my child’s life about my child and not me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you too could pack up and move near one of them.

+1 OP's view is very self-centered. They are entitled to live their lives, launch their careers, settle where it's best for them.

My parents moved close to where I live (DC) because they wanted to be near me. Now I have small kids, we see them a lot, they are a great help, the kids love them. I feel very lucky. But this was the right place for my career interest and my spouse's. They would never have expected me to go back to the town I grew up in. They are immigrants themselves and left their families to move halfway across the world.

Also I missed that the AC didn't even grow up in DC. Of course they have no attachment to this area. Parents at a minimum need to stay in the same hometown if they have any wish of kids moving back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are they men or women?

Grandchildren live where mother wants, usually near her parents.

This has truth to it! As well as the divorce factor.
But the buggesr factor I’ve seen in this is whether parents are willing to help with housing. If there’s help with the down payment or a free starter condo involved, kids are miraculously willing to live near their parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I've a physician friend whose son lived at home during college and grad school because she refused to pay for apartments or let him take loans. She got him married to her brother's adopted daughter who wanted to move to US. Both of them are working now in entry level jobs and can't afford the lifestyle parents offer so still living with mom and no plans to move out as mom would also provide free childcare when its time.

He was convinced to marry his cousin?

😳

DP. Adopted is the key word here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I've a physician friend whose son lived at home during college and grad school because she refused to pay for apartments or let him take loans. She got him married to her brother's adopted daughter who wanted to move to US. Both of them are working now in entry level jobs and can't afford the lifestyle parents offer so still living with mom and no plans to move out as mom would also provide free childcare when its time.

He was convinced to marry his cousin?

😳

So was Einstein and he was actually related by DNA to his cousin, not by adoption.

[Anonymous]

Seriously? I wouldn't think twice about this although the way you are writing makes me think there is something more to the story.

The idea of expecting a person to relocate their family (presumably the AC with the kid has a partner?) across the country for you is odd.

You think both should give up whatever life they have to relocate to be near you because they could potentially get a job in DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seriously? I wouldn't think twice about this although the way you are writing makes me think there is something more to the story.

The idea of expecting a person to relocate their family (presumably the AC with the kid has a partner?) across the country for you is odd.

You think both should give up whatever life they have to relocate to be near you because they could potentially get a job in DC?

What I am trying to say is, the very fact that you think your kid should relocate his/her whole family to DC, which they don't like, with the only consideration being your presence would in itself be a huge red flag to any AC and spouse. And while I would never say otherwise it's personal, unless there are cultural issues at play, if this is the way you think toward your AC and partner, I would imagine it COULD be personal. That is the fact.

[Anonymous]

I spent my 20s and 30s in my hometown, my kids were born there through first grade. I loved being early parents. We moved to the DC area when my DH was laid off and offered a job here by his old boss. It was definitely the right move for careers but yes I miss my parents. My MIL moved to be close to us when she returned but sadly passed away a year later.

I hope that my kids stay near me but I also know they have to do the right thing for their careers and their spouse. I hope to be a place everyone visits if I can when they have grandkids, maybe at the beach. Hoping is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

^ near not early

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you too could pack up and move near one of them.

+1 OP's view is very self-centered. They are entitled to live their lives, launch their careers, settle where it's best for them.

My parents moved close to where I live (DC) because they wanted to be near me. Now I have small kids, we see them a lot, they are a great help, the kids love them. I feel very lucky. But this was the right place for my career interest and my spouse's. They would never have expected me to go back to the town I grew up in. They are immigrants themselves and left their families to move halfway across the world.

Also I missed that the AC didn't even grow up in DC. Of course they have no attachment to this area. Parents at a minimum need to stay in the same hometown if they have any wish of kids moving back.

Well…your hometown can’t suck either. I came from a boring 50,000 person town with limited career prospects and would never return.