How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound like my mom, OP. She’s a good mom, and I love her, but our relationship is polite. I don’t share my feelings with her. She doesn’t listen very well nor empathize nor respect them. Meanwhile she has a lot of things she’d like for me to do for her, and she doesn’t care what that would mean for me. She means well, but spending time with her feels like being on a long conference call with all the politeness and half-listening. It’s not how I like to spend my spare time.

Being with my mom and child is like having two emotionally needy people to care for instead of just the one.

If I could talk to her, I would tell her that I’d like to talk to someone who takes care of her own feelings and listens to others, but I can’t say this. When I’ve tried she gets upset, defensive, argumentative. I want to tell her she can’t argue my feelings away, but she has an argument for that too. So I just stay sad about it and try my best to make my child’s life about my child and not me.

OMG. I could have written this, all of it, but especially the bolded. Thank you for articulating this so well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.

My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.

I've seen this movie before but in a fully Asian household. When the kids are small, it seems to work. But when the kids get older...
My Asian friend's mother lived with her eldest son, in the traditional Chinese manner of expectations.
She cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids. The Asian wife (vietnamese) didn't like MIL and when the kids aged into teens, they also weren't crazy about MIL. MIL kept cooking stuff even if they didn't want to eat it. When they wanted quiet family time just amongst themselves, MIL seemed like an intruder. The fact that MIL didn't have a life outside of her son's family was something they blanched at. The grandkids did not admire her, nor look up to her. Because, well, she behaved like a servant. And she was always omnipresent, hovering around.
Eventually she moved out and the family dynamic between MIL and the DIL and kids has improved.
But it was pretty bad for a few years there.

Do you ever look at your parents and think "wow you cooked for me for 18 years, I have no respect for you, freaking servant!” No? Well how does this apply to grandma?

Grandma probably had a bad personality.

[Anonymous]

I loved my mother but she was a control freak. Any time there was a gathering, she would tell everyone where to go and what to do and was very difficult if things were not her way. I had very good judgement, even as a teen, and always had a job and good grades. I moved away in my 20's and only moved back briefly to apply for graduate school. Knowing that I could never have my decisions my way without getting into a debate with her was a major factor in not wanting to live near her. I was able to accomplish a lot once I was on my own and could make my own decisions without the controlling interference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I’m sure someone has already said this to you, but you can move too. They already have no connection to DC. You seem to have moved there for your new husband.

You can just get up and move yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.

My husband said the same thing. The household dynamic is pretty different in Asian families - it's not uncommon/weird at all for parents to help out around the house. If my MIL tried to help clean up our space I'd be extremely uncomfortable, luckily she never would offer lol. Of course we don't treat her like a servant or anything. When we are not sick or swamped with work we do our own cooking and cleaning, but Asians moms just don't stop moving so when she's over at our house she will be always doing something for us. It's their love language. She still cooks everyday for themselves so she loves nothing more than if we also join with the kids. And when we are over at their house my husband will help with whatever home maintenance issue they happen to have. As for taking care of the kids my dad also helps (he's also retired but in good health) so it's a very different experience for my mom than a full-time nanny who's schlepping two kid around and counting down toward the end of her work day. They love our kids to bits and spam me with selfies of them doing fun stuff all day when I'm working.

I've seen this movie before but in a fully Asian household. When the kids are small, it seems to work. But when the kids get older...
My Asian friend's mother lived with her eldest son, in the traditional Chinese manner of expectations.
She cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids. The Asian wife (vietnamese) didn't like MIL and when the kids aged into teens, they also weren't crazy about MIL. MIL kept cooking stuff even if they didn't want to eat it. When they wanted quiet family time just amongst themselves, MIL seemed like an intruder. The fact that MIL didn't have a life outside of her son's family was something they blanched at. The grandkids did not admire her, nor look up to her. Because, well, she behaved like a servant. And she was always omnipresent, hovering around.
Eventually she moved out and the family dynamic between MIL and the DIL and kids has improved.
But it was pretty bad for a few years there.

Do you ever look at your parents and think "wow you cooked for me for 18 years, I have no respect for you, freaking servant!” No? Well how does this apply to grandma?

Grandma probably had a bad personality.

This^. GM probably immigrated from a different country and tried to impose those rules on her DIL and kids which made them detest her. However, if GM is reasonable and respectful of DIL/SIL's boundaries, it can be a beneficial for all three generations. That being said, joint family system rarely works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

Most divorces I've seen have been initiated by the wife because she's not "fulfilled" or some similar complaint. The other major cause is infidelity, which is an equal opportunity problem. In all cases, the destruction of the family unit was caused for selfish reasons. The divorced should be shamed early and often. Agree that it's better to build a relationship, but OP is divorced so not exactly an expert in building long-term functional relationships.

Similarly, there are two types of grandparents. Those who are interested in the grandkids and those who are more self-interested. The former will make the grandkids the center of the universe and the latter will want the grandkids to be adjacent for photo opportunities but not much else. Folks wondering what kind they are need only count the number of days they've spent on vacation in the past 12 months and compare that to the number of days watching and helping with the grandkids. If the ratio isn't at least 2 days helping for every day of traveling, you're a selfish grandparent. That doesn't make you bad, but it does show your motivations lie outside your grandchildren.

Project 2025 has entered the chat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

Most divorces I've seen have been initiated by the wife because she's not "fulfilled" or some similar complaint. The other major cause is infidelity, which is an equal opportunity problem. In all cases, the destruction of the family unit was caused for selfish reasons. The divorced should be shamed early and often. Agree that it's better to build a relationship, but OP is divorced so not exactly an expert in building long-term functional relationships.

Similarly, there are two types of grandparents. Those who are interested in the grandkids and those who are more self-interested. The former will make the grandkids the center of the universe and the latter will want the grandkids to be adjacent for photo opportunities but not much else. Folks wondering what kind they are need only count the number of days they've spent on vacation in the past 12 months and compare that to the number of days watching and helping with the grandkids. If the ratio isn't at least 2 days helping for every day of traveling, you're a selfish grandparent. That doesn't make you bad, but it does show your motivations lie outside your grandchildren.

Project 2025 has entered the chat

But… but… their guy is twice divorced

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you move near them? Weird that you think they should move for you.

[Anonymous]

You said they didn’t grow up in DC and don’t like. It’s that simple. You moved somewhere they have no ties and don’t like. And, while a lot of people say they will provide childcare as grandparents, there is no guarantee expectations are the same on both sides. And, maybe no guarantee you will stay in DC if you didn’t raise your kids here. So, again, with no other ties why would they move to an area they don’t like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you too could pack up and move near one of them.

This. Why do you feel like where you chose to live as an adult (not their hometown, no roots for them…) dictates their choices?

[Anonymous]

I think this is somewhat income/SES-related.

You will probably have to move by them if that matters to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so weird that you want or expect them to live near you and take it as a personal affront that they do not. Super weird. Abnormal.

+1

WTF. They didn’t grow up here and you expected them to move near you? To a crappy location like DC? And you are hurt by this? So weird.

You should move near them if you want to live closer to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh come on. For those of you coming down on OP for being divorced, get a grip. Life happens. And there are many reasons why divorce is necessary. And many loving, involved, available, friendly, etc. step parents. I know many divorced families that make it work -are friendly, celebrate milestones together- etc.

Divorce in an of itself (and ftr, I'm married but both of our parents are divorced) is not a good enough reason on it's own for such a harsh judgment.

I def think it's jobs and that they don't view DC as their "hometown."

OP If you want the close relationship, work to make it happen instead of coming on here complaining about it. It doesn't just happen by virtue of birth.

Most divorces I've seen have been initiated by the wife because she's not "fulfilled" or some similar complaint. The other major cause is infidelity, which is an equal opportunity problem. In all cases, the destruction of the family unit was caused for selfish reasons. The divorced should be shamed early and often. Agree that it's better to build a relationship, but OP is divorced so not exactly an expert in building long-term functional relationships.

Similarly, there are two types of grandparents. Those who are interested in the grandkids and those who are more self-interested. The former will make the grandkids the center of the universe and the latter will want the grandkids to be adjacent for photo opportunities but not much else. Folks wondering what kind they are need only count the number of days they've spent on vacation in the past 12 months and compare that to the number of days watching and helping with the grandkids. If the ratio isn't at least 2 days helping for every day of traveling, you're a selfish grandparent. That doesn't make you bad, but it does show your motivations lie outside your grandchildren.

Project 2025 has entered the chat

But… but… their guy is twice divorced

And incredibly selfish.

[Anonymous]

For our adult children it was pretty simple. After college we offered to provide a substantial down payment to give them a head start. Both of them decided to stay in the DC area to be close to us.

Worked out very well for everyone since we can spend time with our grandkids.

[Anonymous]

When you make decisions as a married person, it's always for the other half. Or it really should be that way to keep peace.

To an adult, it's easier for one person to move than for a whole family to move and restart over. Really, it is. Even though the senior might think the total opposite. Your family is not as close as you think. I have seen very close knit family with the matriarch moving closer EACH time the daughters move. This drives their partner crazy! There are some positive things to this and some annoying thing as well. So, give it to your children. They know how to make their partners happy by not the MIL closer.

So, no need to control them more than you need to. They are on their own and can make decisions fine. If they every need a grandparent close by to watch the kids, then they will let you know.