How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

As a parent to young kids myself I would pick Seattle or San Fran any day over DC to raise my kids. If this is a shock to you, go read the endless threads on here about how stressful/toxic/generally unpleasant this area is for raising children. Sure they can benefit from your help during the early years and go on more date nights, but then what? They'll either have to rip kids out of their ecosystem when they move or end up stuck here through the high school years and deal with all the stress of raising kids in a hyper-competitive, status/prestige obsessed place.

Congrats on raising two fully launched kids who can build a life in two great cities! Travel to your AC with the young child and offer to give them the opportunity to go on vacation. There are so many ways to help and show your love than expecting them to build their entire lives (plural) around YOU and YOUR singular personal choices.

[Anonymous]

There is higher chance of kids staying near parents if you, stay married, send kids to local universities and encourage marriage to people with local ties and yourself stay in the town, preferably in same home. That or you can give up on manipulation to protect your interests and let them fly and be happy for them no matter where they land.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe San Francisco and Seattle are better places for their careers and/or maybe they just like those places better than DC. Maybe you can move to the west coast if you want to be closer to them instead of expecting them to move close to you. It’s typically easier for the older, retired/close to retirement couple to move than the younger/just starting careers and families people to move.

I live far from my parents and wish they were closer but I have no desire to live where they live bc of the job market and public school choices where they live. I’ve told them directly I’d love for them to move to where we live (not move IN w us but live in the same city or general area) they are retired and have no family and few friends where they currently live so it seems much easier for them to move than for me and my spouse (whose jobs are here) and our 2 school age kids who have lots of friends here to move.

It’s actually much harder for older people to establish themselves in a new city than it is for families with jobs and kids, which are opportunities to meet people. If they move closer to you, just don’t complain when they have no other life.

[Anonymous]

I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

[Anonymous]

I don't think I can live full time with someone but wouldn't mind going there whenever needed to tend to grandkids and house so my daughter isn't overwhelmed with responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

*not PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a family where all four adult kids moved as far away from their parents as they could get and did not move back. It was mostly because they could not tolerate their father. I think they would have liked to be near their mother but not as long as he was around.

My husband's stepbrother (didn't grow up together-parents married when all kids were adults) emigrated to New Zealand and before he left told me that he didn't care if he ever saw his mother again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent to young kids myself I would pick Seattle or San Fran any day over DC to raise my kids. If this is a shock to you, go read the endless threads on here about how stressful/toxic/generally unpleasant this area is for raising children. Sure they can benefit from your help during the early years and go on more date nights, but then what? They'll either have to rip kids out of their ecosystem when they move or end up stuck here through the high school years and deal with all the stress of raising kids in a hyper-competitive, status/prestige obsessed place.

Congrats on raising two fully launched kids who can build a life in two great cities! Travel to your AC with the young child and offer to give them the opportunity to go on vacation. There are so many ways to help and show your love than expecting them to build their entire lives (plural) around YOU and YOUR singular personal choices.

Seattle is definately LESS toxic. we moved from DCUM to Seattle area with 6th and 10th graders. One of the first things we noticed was how much less toxic it was. The kids were SO MUCH nicer. Yes, there are still competitive people, but everyone is much friendlier, and the toxic behavior that existed in ES and beyond was not our experience here. And if anything, we are in a Seattle area that is equivalent or higher level of income as we were in MD. People are just nicer, people are not as snooty and the kids are genuinely nice to each other. Wish we had lived here for ES as well

[Anonymous]

I have my grandson 2.5 days a week. I work my hours around their schedule and I sacrifice to do so. I do their laundry and clean the house while I am there. I am a dog sitter and I watch my grandson while they are on international vacations several times a year. My son and his wife met in Texas during grad school. Hee parents are in Texas so I am the primary grandparent. I am a young grandma mid 50s divorced and don’t date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have my grandson 2.5 days a week. I work my hours around their schedule and I sacrifice to do so. I do their laundry and clean the house while I am there. I am a dog sitter and I watch my grandson while they are on international vacations several times a year. My son and his wife met in Texas during grad school. Hee parents are in Texas so I am the primary grandparent. I am a young grandma mid 50s divorced and don’t date.

Are they not embarrassed by this? I would feel terrible asking my mom to be my servant. I get the childcare aspect but not the rest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

I guess I can't relate. My parents would not be able to take care of two small kids that way, at all. They did help during vacations, after birth...But what you describe sounds HARD, like a full time nanny/housekeeper job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

You are very fortunate (as you note) and this is one aspect of Asian cultures that I admire and respect. We humans were not meant to parent in nuclear family units as we do in this country - it causes a lot of hardship for parents, and distance among family members IMO.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in Southern California, where my parents relocated for work when I was in elementary school. I have two siblings and we ALL moved away (one to Northern Cal, one to the midwest, and me to DC). We just aren't Southern CA people and never saw living there long term as what we wanted. It's not that we didn't like our parents. I'd have loved for my parents to move near us but they opted to move near my sister and we visited a lot. We all vacation together annually and try to see each other a couple times a year outside of that.

I'd love it if someday my grown kids choose to live near me but I also recognize that it's really expensive here and personal preferences and career opportunities for them and future spouses may draw them to other places. That's not a rejection of us just the realities of life. But I would absolutely be willing to move myself (as my parents' did) to be more involved with future grandchildren.