How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

[Anonymous]

I can’t comment on anything other than San Fran and Seattle may very well offer more for their career than DC.

My kid could easily work in DC, but says there is 100x more activity in San Fran and finds the tech scene way more dynamic. Also, definitely likes San Fran much more than DC (bragging about his 67 degree sunny day today vs 100 here).

So…could be as simple as that.

[Anonymous]

It is so weird that you want or expect them to live near you and take it as a personal affront that they do not. Super weird. Abnormal.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I decided we need to be prepared to move to where our kids end up living and won’t expect they will decide to settle in DC.

We are fine with but don’t love the DC area so good with us.

[Anonymous]

I think you may not be as close to them as you think you are. It sounds like a cordial, fine relationship but not anything that I’d be willing to plan my life around. You can work to change this dynamic by being overly helpful and engaging with your grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

I would always want to live near my mom- but some stepfather I didn’t really know who was now a package deal with her would make other places more attractive.

You chose other over your kids, you can’t be surprised when they choose other over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I've a physician friend whose son lived at home during college and grad school because she refused to pay for apartments or let him take loans. She got him married to her brother's adopted daughter who wanted to move to US. Both of them are working now in entry level jobs and can't afford the lifestyle parents offer so still living with mom and no plans to move out as mom would also provide free childcare when its time.

[Anonymous]

OP, you too could pack up and move near one of them.

[Anonymous]

Maybe San Francisco and Seattle are better places for their careers and/or maybe they just like those places better than DC. Maybe you can move to the west coast if you want to be closer to them instead of expecting them to move close to you. It’s typically easier for the older, retired/close to retirement couple to move than the younger/just starting careers and families people to move.

I live far from my parents and wish they were closer but I have no desire to live where they live bc of the job market and public school choices where they live. I’ve told them directly I’d love for them to move to where we live (not move IN w us but live in the same city or general area) they are retired and have no family and few friends where they currently live so it seems much easier for them to move than for me and my spouse (whose jobs are here) and our 2 school age kids who have lots of friends here to move.

[Anonymous]

I know a family where all four adult kids moved as far away from their parents as they could get and did not move back. It was mostly because they could not tolerate their father. I think they would have liked to be near their mother but not as long as he was around.

[Anonymous]

Being exhausted with a baby is normal. You sound like you want to impose. Let your kids live their lives, babies have two parents you know (and it sounds like the AC with a child is a son, so there's a mother and her family). I personally moved as far as I could so that my parents couldn't meddle, we raised our kids on our own and managed fine. We also have a cordial, but not close relationship (stopped confiding probably in teens).

[Anonymous]

it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

Op, this is so odd. I would say backward thinking. Strong, emotionally healthy, independent adults usually cast a wide net. Living "close" to you is indicative of nothing. Nothing. You should be grateful they turned out as well as they did, you did something right. I don't think your attitude now is right.

[Anonymous]

It probably has to do with your husband, he may feel like a stranger to them. If I met someone when my daughters were in college, they’d have to get used to him for a few years before they would accept him as family.

[Anonymous]

How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

I am in tech and come from a family situation similar to yours. I do not want to live next to my parents (mother and her partner) who live in DC and I generally do not enjoy spending time with them. Here are the three reasons why, which I'd anticipate apply just the same to you as to them:

1. You are divorced. You've already identified a root cause. You've divorced. There's no way around it. Divorce makes family awkward and brings someone new into their lives.
2. You live in a swamp. You've identified another root cause. For many people, DC isn't a great place to live. It's an inhospitable swamp in the summer, in a larger swamp of country clubbing lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians. Since your children are in tech, odds are they've grown used to the casual and more energetic environment of the west coast tech hubs like Seattle and SF. You couldn't pay me to live in DC after settling in either of those cities.
3. You are a ball anxiety. The fact that you are posting about this situation on DCUM betrays your attitude toward life and children: anxious. Anxious parents just aren't fun to be around, sorry. The anxiety is palpable and suffocates you during family reunions.

[Anonymous]

They are young, why wouldn't they want to explore living somewhere else? Just curious, do you have boy or girl children?