How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

My AC child moved to Seattle because that is where tech jobs are. I am not happy about it but I do not take it as a personal slight. We have a great relationship. Maybe after getting some experience, she will come out or maybe we will end up there. Right now we talk and text regularly.

[Anonymous]

You can always move to them

[Anonymous]

People may move to their hometown to raise a kid near family and have their own childhood experience but they would rarely move to a random city they don’t really know just for one grandparent’s potential involvement. It makes a lot more sense for you to move near them op, since you are presumably close to done with your career and are not in your hometown surrounded by family. It actually makes you sound a bit narcissistic, to think they would all follow you, which would be another reason to live far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

Who is the we in this scenario? You and your ex husband? You seem to be in denial expecting your children to view a stepfather who came into their life when they were already adults in any kind of fatherly/grandpa role.

You yourself have completely created a new life with a new spouse and a new city and even acknowledge you don’t have a particularly close relationship with your children so why on earth would you expect them to upturn their own lives to move to live close to you in a place where they don’t have any roots? Just be grateful they are making an effort to keep in regular contact and visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I have this with my AC. But I don’t expect them to live near me when they launch their career. I want them to live their life and fly high, in whatever city they want to be in! No way I’d chain them to the nest, the opportunities for our kids these days are worldwide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can always move to them

Don’t do this unless they specifically suggest it. They may have distanced themselves on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you’re a cold person. Between that and not liking DC, why should they want to live there? Because you’d help with a baby? Maybe they don’t want you around their baby regularly because of how uptight you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would always want to live near my mom- but some stepfather I didn’t really know who was now a package deal with her would make other places more attractive.

You chose other over your kids, you can’t be surprised when they choose other over you.

WTH , this is not about you and your bad relationship with your momma.

[Anonymous]

I am in midlife and have lived most of my adult life in cities not close to her. We are very close. She has a life where she lives and we have ours!
You need to get a life and enjoy that they have theirs that they want you, that doesn’t mean you have to be neighbors.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I cannot move. My husband’s career is tied up in DC. I am not retired and care very much about my work. But I have the flexibility and hours to help out a lot with childcare.

[Anonymous]

I’d pick Seattle over DC too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My AC child moved to Seattle because that is where tech jobs are. I am not happy about it but I do not take it as a personal slight. We have a great relationship. Maybe after getting some experience, she will come out or maybe we will end up there. Right now we talk and text regularly.

Where do/did your parents live?

Seattle is better. You should move.

[Anonymous]

Are they men or women?

Grandchildren live where mother wants, usually near her parents.

[Anonymous]

Are their spouses from the west coast?

[Anonymous]

My mom did help my sister with her kids but it wasn't by choice but by necessity. She is very responsible with kids but emotionally not very involved.