How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have my grandson 2.5 days a week. I work my hours around their schedule and I sacrifice to do so. I do their laundry and clean the house while I am there. I am a dog sitter and I watch my grandson while they are on international vacations several times a year. My son and his wife met in Texas during grad school. Hee parents are in Texas so I am the primary grandparent. I am a young grandma mid 50s divorced and don’t date.

Are they not embarrassed by this? I would feel terrible asking my mom to be my servant. I get the childcare aspect but not the rest.

Servant? So strange to view it that way. My grandparents were extremely involved in our lives. And it helped my parents immensely. I plan to pay that forward. It’s not service. It’s family. Something that ppl on this board continually exhibit they have to respect for.

Yes, servant who cooks and cleans. That's beyond childcare. I had very involved grandparents who watched us weekly too, but they never did that!!

Well mine def did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so weird that you want or expect them to live near you and take it as a personal affront that they do not. Super weird. Abnormal.

Troll OP or abnormal. Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

You are very fortunate (as you note) and this is one aspect of Asian cultures that I admire and respect. We humans were not meant to parent in nuclear family units as we do in this country - it causes a lot of hardship for parents, and distance among family members IMO.

On the flip side, my Asian parents have multiple sets of friends/relatives who are exhausted from caring full time for their grandkids. They share that in confidence, there there is a lot of social pressure (even here) to do that for your family.

My parents have been ready to help out when needed and helped regularly but not full time. We did not ask them for that. We could not have managed without them but it was balanced. I would do that for my kids. I could not and would not offer to do it full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

You are very fortunate (as you note) and this is one aspect of Asian cultures that I admire and respect. We humans were not meant to parent in nuclear family units as we do in this country - it causes a lot of hardship for parents, and distance among family members IMO.

On the flip side, my Asian parents have multiple sets of friends/relatives who are exhausted from caring full time for their grandkids. They share that in confidence, there there is a lot of social pressure (even here) to do that for your family.

My parents have been ready to help out when needed and helped regularly but not full time. We did not ask them for that. We could not have managed without them but it was balanced. I would do that for my kids. I could not and would not offer to do it full time.

Same. I want to help out one or two days a week, evenings, during vacations...I look forward to it! I think it's crucial to develop relationships with grandkids. But I read the stories of moms doing daily full time childcare (and cooking, cleaning) and it's horrifying. When does a woman get to rest and think about herself a little? Do these adult kids ask their moms how they feel about continuing to effectively work and care for kids for their entire lives without a break? Do they care? It seems so selfish and uncaring.

[Anonymous]

My 22-year-old DS and his wife is living with my DH and I. My DS and DIL graduated from UVA and both have high-paying jobs and no student loan debt. However, I recommend that they live with my DH and I for about three years to save money before moving out. DH and I live in a 9,000 sqft home in Langley with a 2,000 sqft guest house and DS and his wife live there. Cleaning services come in and clean the house and do laundry every three days. Both DS and my DIL have good food to eat when they get home, and they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They do not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, cell phones, gas. DH bought DS a brand new Rav-4 and our DIL a new Toyota Camry so that they can communicate to work. DS and his wife were skeptical about living with us at first, but now they absolutely love it because they are saving almost 100% of their salaries. My DIL said to me the other day that she hoped that they could afford to purchase a home close to us so that the kids can come see their grandparents every day. They didn't know that DH and I would give them the money to purchase a house when they were ready to move out. FWIW, both DH and I are Vietnamese and my DIL is American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22-year-old DS and his wife is living with my DH and I. My DS and DIL graduated from UVA and both have high-paying jobs and no student loan debt. However, I recommend that they live with my DH and I for about three years to save money before moving out. DH and I live in a 9,000 sqft home in Langley with a 2,000 sqft guest house and DS and his wife live there. Cleaning services come in and clean the house and do laundry every three days. Both DS and my DIL have good food to eat when they get home, and they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They do not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, cell phones, gas. DH bought DS a brand new Rav-4 and our DIL a new Toyota Camry so that they can communicate to work. DS and his wife were skeptical about living with us at first, but now they absolutely love it because they are saving almost 100% of their salaries. My DIL said to me the other day that she hoped that they could afford to purchase a home close to us so that the kids can come see their grandparents every day. They didn't know that DH and I would give them the money to purchase a house when they were ready to move out. FWIW, both DH and I are Vietnamese and my DIL is American.

I mean...you're loaded and buying your kids dream lives. Good for you I guess! It's logical they'd want to be nice to you given you are treating them like a prince and a princess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

I've a physician friend whose son lived at home during college and grad school because she refused to pay for apartments or let him take loans. She got him married to her brother's adopted daughter who wanted to move to US. Both of them are working now in entry level jobs and can't afford the lifestyle parents offer so still living with mom and no plans to move out as mom would also provide free childcare when its time.

Pakistani??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22-year-old DS and his wife is living with my DH and I. My DS and DIL graduated from UVA and both have high-paying jobs and no student loan debt. However, I recommend that they live with my DH and I for about three years to save money before moving out. DH and I live in a 9,000 sqft home in Langley with a 2,000 sqft guest house and DS and his wife live there. Cleaning services come in and clean the house and do laundry every three days. Both DS and my DIL have good food to eat when they get home, and they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They do not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, cell phones, gas. DH bought DS a brand new Rav-4 and our DIL a new Toyota Camry so that they can communicate to work. DS and his wife were skeptical about living with us at first, but now they absolutely love it because they are saving almost 100% of their salaries. My DIL said to me the other day that she hoped that they could afford to purchase a home close to us so that the kids can come see their grandparents every day. They didn't know that DH and I would give them the money to purchase a house when they were ready to move out. FWIW, both DH and I are Vietnamese and my DIL is American.

This works because of your culture and because you have a son. It is culturally ok for your son to bring his bride to his parents home. Imagine if you had a Vietnamese daughter and your son-in-law was American. It would be shameful that your son-in-law was living at your home if he was not contributing in some big way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22-year-old DS and his wife is living with my DH and I. My DS and DIL graduated from UVA and both have high-paying jobs and no student loan debt. However, I recommend that they live with my DH and I for about three years to save money before moving out. DH and I live in a 9,000 sqft home in Langley with a 2,000 sqft guest house and DS and his wife live there. Cleaning services come in and clean the house and do laundry every three days. Both DS and my DIL have good food to eat when they get home, and they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They do not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, cell phones, gas. DH bought DS a brand new Rav-4 and our DIL a new Toyota Camry so that they can communicate to work. DS and his wife were skeptical about living with us at first, but now they absolutely love it because they are saving almost 100% of their salaries. My DIL said to me the other day that she hoped that they could afford to purchase a home close to us so that the kids can come see their grandparents every day. They didn't know that DH and I would give them the money to purchase a house when they were ready to move out. FWIW, both DH and I are Vietnamese and my DIL is American.

I will hazard a guess that OP is not wealthy enough to subsidize 100% of their kid's life.

But yes...if you are willing to provide your kid a wealthy lifestyle at absolutely zero cost to the kid with the condition that they live with you (but in their own 2,000 square foot guest house)...99% will agree.

However, it seems comical that your kid needs to "live with you to save money"...my guess is the option was live with us and get 100% subsidy or don't live with us and I guess get $0?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 22-year-old DS and his wife is living with my DH and I. My DS and DIL graduated from UVA and both have high-paying jobs and no student loan debt. However, I recommend that they live with my DH and I for about three years to save money before moving out. DH and I live in a 9,000 sqft home in Langley with a 2,000 sqft guest house and DS and his wife live there. Cleaning services come in and clean the house and do laundry every three days. Both DS and my DIL have good food to eat when they get home, and they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They do not have to pay for rent, food, utilities, cell phones, gas. DH bought DS a brand new Rav-4 and our DIL a new Toyota Camry so that they can communicate to work. DS and his wife were skeptical about living with us at first, but now they absolutely love it because they are saving almost 100% of their salaries. My DIL said to me the other day that she hoped that they could afford to purchase a home close to us so that the kids can come see their grandparents every day. They didn't know that DH and I would give them the money to purchase a house when they were ready to move out. FWIW, both DH and I are Vietnamese and my DIL is American.

Why do they work? I am asking seriously. What is the point? They won't ever need money at any point to fund anything at all. I'd find it very hard to show up for some corporate type job (maybe I am wrong and it's meaningful?) every day of my life if I didn't need money. In fact, I do need money and I find it hard to show up to my job! So it's like you are deceiving them into thinking they need to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from a city I loved (New York) and to be close to my parents here when I had my second kid (NOVA). It was a very tough decision because both DH and I love NYC and had lived there since our college years.

Do you know how my mom enticed us? She is retired, Asian (key fact), and together with my dad's help they take care of both my kids FULL-TIME, and does it better than I could because she has the experience and is not stressed from trying to juggle work. They handle all the drops-offs with the older one in part-time preschool, take care of the baby from 8-8pm (and would stay even later if we wanted her to), handle all the sick days. She even manages to ALSO help us out around the house, keeping the house immaculate and always cooking us delicious food. We are literally saving hundreds of thousands of dollars we would have paid in expensive, full time care for both in NYC. We get to see our kids plenty everyday but without the stress. We have time for ourselves, our hobbies, and to spend with each other. We also love seeing our kids develop a strong bond with both of their (real) grandparents. It's honestly brought me closer to my parents than I ever thought I could be.

And even so, we still miss our old NYC life every so often, and we might move back once the kids are in elementary school, because we miss the diversity and walkability and all that NYC has to offer for children. So.... your offer isn't very enticing for people who otherwise have no interest in living in DC.

Will you do what your mom does now for your adult kids some day?

If I am healthy and able - absolutely! My mom and dad are having so much fun taking care of my kids , they say it makes them feel younger.

I know this level of grandparents help isn’t common outside of Asian families. I wasn’t even expecting it because I’m second generation and married an American. My husband is beyond shocked this is not uncommon in Asian families.

You are very fortunate (as you note) and this is one aspect of Asian cultures that I admire and respect. We humans were not meant to parent in nuclear family units as we do in this country - it causes a lot of hardship for parents, and distance among family members IMO.

On the flip side, my Asian parents have multiple sets of friends/relatives who are exhausted from caring full time for their grandkids. They share that in confidence, there there is a lot of social pressure (even here) to do that for your family.

My parents have been ready to help out when needed and helped regularly but not full time. We did not ask them for that. We could not have managed without them but it was balanced. I would do that for my kids. I could not and would not offer to do it full time.

Same. Unless they lack no other options, we would live to helpout in emergencies or on weekends but not full time.

[Anonymous]

We raised our kids, tgeir kids are their responsibility, just fun for us.

[Anonymous]

Golden Rule:

If you are on good terms with spouses of your children and also financially beneficial for them, you get more access to your kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

At least they are in the country. My kids are both abroad. There again my spouse and I come from abroad (different countries too), so the kids are modeling what we did.

If you wanted them to stay put, maybe they should have gone to Northern Virginia Community College with no driver's license. Or not gone to college. However, in the US it is the practice to send your kids away where they meet people from other parts of the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can always move to them

Don’t do this unless they specifically suggest it. They may have distanced themselves on purpose.

And they might move again. If they live in two different cities which one do you follow?