How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

[Anonymous]

If they were choosing Texas over DC I might share your consternation? But I'm with them on this one: they are old and independent enough to live where they want to live without having to worry about mommy's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I cannot move. My husband’s career is tied up in DC. I am not retired and care very much about my work. But I have the flexibility and hours to help out a lot with childcare.

So you picked this new random guy over your AC? And you're surprised they don't want to uproot their entire lives to move to your new city? Just so you can maybe "help" with their child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How did you raise AC who want to live close to you?

I am in tech and come from a family situation similar to yours. I do not want to live next to my parents (mother and her partner) who live in DC and I generally do not enjoy spending time with them. Here are the three reasons why, which I'd anticipate apply just the same to you as to them:

1. You are divorced. You've already identified a root cause. You've divorced. There's no way around it. Divorce makes family awkward and brings someone new into their lives.
2. You live in a swamp. You've identified another root cause. For many people, DC isn't a great place to live. It's an inhospitable swamp in the summer, in a larger swamp of country clubbing lawyers, lobbyists, and politicians. Since your children are in tech, odds are they've grown used to the casual and more energetic environment of the west coast tech hubs like Seattle and SF. You couldn't pay me to live in DC after settling in either of those cities.
3. You are a ball anxiety. The fact that you are posting about this situation on DCUM betrays your attitude toward life and children: anxious. Anxious parents just aren't fun to be around, sorry. The anxiety is palpable and suffocates you during family reunions.

+1

[Anonymous]

Of all the places in the world, would anyone choose DC if they had the choice?

[Anonymous]

Boy, you people are hostile today.

OP, I get it. I'm so hoping to be near our child when they are an adult. I don't think that is selfish or whatever else is being bantered about on here. It's normal. But, I do think you answered your own question: Not super close to you, not a close relationship with your spouse, jobs are more central where they are, and very little connection to DC area. I'm not seeing a huge reason you'd think they'd want to stay here?? And you can't move there so . . . .

As for some of the posters being so typically nasty on here, you're jerks. And lots of you are SUPER weird for being ok with not being close to family. You can want your kids to be successful and still have family roots, whether it is where they are (and you move) or in their hometown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

We have lived in all 3 of those locations. Hands down I'd pick the West coast (with Seattle first, then SanFran next) over DCUMland any day

we raised our kids to explore life, to be happy and do what they enjoy. That means they may want to travel and explore the world and live somewhere other than where we live. I would never want to feel my kid chose where to live solely because of where mom and dad are. I didn't do that, so why would I restrict my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think that they just don't like DC. It's not the right place for their industry, it's too humid, and the housing prices are just insane given the many down sides of living here. I work in federal policy and have lived here 20 years, and even so, if I had to buy a home here now, I don't think I would do it. Because even in a bad school district and bad neighborhood, it's over a million for a family home. No thanks.

But it might also be your divorce. You can't just swap in another man and expect life to proceed as if he were their father. If their father is alive and lives elsewhere, they may not want to choose one parent over the other. If they dislike your new husband, or if it's annoying to them how you're always trying to make the Happy Blended Family thing happen, then they'll just avoid. Adult children of divorce often react to pressure by avoiding and disengaging. If they are feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of doing eldercare for their parents in different locations as well as their step-parents, all the more reason to stay distant and avoid a family-like relationship with your new husband. You might be thinking that you and your new husband have a lot to offer, but that comes with the expectation of eldercare and they might not want to be on the hook for it for an extra adult.

You also need to consider if your childcare knowledge is up-to-date, and if you have a bad habit of criticizing, even if you think you're just subtly making suggestions, they know perfectly well what you're up to and so do their wives.

Ummm...housing is worse in both SF and Seattle. I'd go with they live where they want to live---they like SF and Seattle and the job prospects are better. DCUM is NOT a tech hub. There really are not many non-govt jobs. Those truly into tech will find a much better lifestyle in both SF and Seattle. Both are more laid back, more enjoyable places to live with much better work life balance (seattle has the best for this)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boy, you people are hostile today.

OP, I get it. I'm so hoping to be near our child when they are an adult. I don't think that is selfish or whatever else is being bantered about on here. It's normal. But, I do think you answered your own question: Not super close to you, not a close relationship with your spouse, jobs are more central where they are, and very little connection to DC area. I'm not seeing a huge reason you'd think they'd want to stay here?? And you can't move there so . . . .

As for some of the posters being so typically nasty on here, you're jerks. And lots of you are SUPER weird for being ok with not being close to family. You can want your kids to be successful and still have family roots, whether it is where they are (and you move) or in their hometown.

I think essentially 99% of posters are saying that is the answer, which OP seems completely unable or unwilling to entertain.

[Anonymous]

I’m wondering if your friend group norms are what’s behind this question, OP. Are you getting lots of questions from them about why your kids don’t live near you? Is it making you feel bad?

In my experience, one set of grandparents only wanted to “help” bc they wanted their friends to think better of them. They wanted to be able to post on FB about it more than they really wanted to spend quality time with their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

You seem self-absorbed, OP. Why would they want you in their lives on a regular, local basis when even you say you aren't "close" with them?

Also, DC is a dumpster fire. I'd move out west in a heartbeat. But I am stuck here because my kids (some ACs) love it here and love my house, and it is super important to my husband and me that we live near them. But we are "close," share feelings and spend a lot of time together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy, you people are hostile today.

OP, I get it. I'm so hoping to be near our child when they are an adult. I don't think that is selfish or whatever else is being bantered about on here. It's normal. But, I do think you answered your own question: Not super close to you, not a close relationship with your spouse, jobs are more central where they are, and very little connection to DC area. I'm not seeing a huge reason you'd think they'd want to stay here?? And you can't move there so . . . .

As for some of the posters being so typically nasty on here, you're jerks. And lots of you are SUPER weird for being ok with not being close to family. You can want your kids to be successful and still have family roots, whether it is where they are (and you move) or in their hometown.

I think essentially 99% of posters are saying that is the answer, which OP seems completely unable or unwilling to entertain.

Not really. A) she can’t due to her and her spouses job and B) there is a hearty amount of nastiness aside from that suggestion. And it’s gross.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you may not be as close to them as you think you are. It sounds like a cordial, fine relationship but not anything that I’d be willing to plan my life around. You can work to change this dynamic by being overly helpful and engaging with your grandchildren.

+1, Op, you have two strikes against you (remarried and relocated).
Be glad they are fully launched, well done!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boy, you people are hostile today.

OP, I get it. I'm so hoping to be near our child when they are an adult. I don't think that is selfish or whatever else is being bantered about on here. It's normal. But, I do think you answered your own question: Not super close to you, not a close relationship with your spouse, jobs are more central where they are, and very little connection to DC area. I'm not seeing a huge reason you'd think they'd want to stay here?? And you can't move there so . . . .

As for some of the posters being so typically nasty on here, you're jerks. And lots of you are SUPER weird for being ok with not being close to family. You can want your kids to be successful and still have family roots, whether it is where they are (and you move) or in their hometown.

I think essentially 99% of posters are saying that is the answer, which OP seems completely unable or unwilling to entertain.

Not really. A) she can’t due to her and her spouses job and B) there is a hearty amount of nastiness aside from that suggestion. And it’s gross.

Sorry, she can, but won't and her job and spouse are an excuse. Perfectly valid, but her kids have perfectly valid reasons to live on the West Coast too.

So, once more...if she is convinced they aren't moving back home, she has only one option...move there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have two AC who are fully launched, stable jobs, good spouses. One has a young child and plans to have more. They both work in tech and had the opportunity to live in DC (or MD/VA) and work out of the offices here, but instead one chose to live in Seattle, the other in San Francisco. I admit I was a little hurt by this, especially the AC who had a kid last year and knows we would have been happy to be hands-on, helpful grandparents. My relationship with both children are pretty good, they call home regularly, visit for the holidays, and generally welcomed my visit to their city. But it seems like they do not want to live close to us.

We have casually discussed this and both AC mentioned not liking DC much (they didn't grow up here, I moved here after they were already in college). I understand this but I also hear about AC who actively move to be closer to parents so they can get help with childcare (both from places like DCUM and my own circle of friends). The AC with the baby does seem regularly exhausted and could use more help, so I often wonder if there's more to just him "not liking DC." I have wondered if it's partly due to my divorce and later remarriage, which took place when both AC were in college so they do not have a close relationship with my husband, their stepfather. I've also never had the kind of affectionate, relaxed relationship with my children. They are respectful and courteous, but they do not confide in me or show affection in the way I have seen some AC still do with their parents.

So those of you who have AC who happily relocated to be near you (and NOT because you need or requested elder care - we're not even close to that yet), what kind of relationship do you have with them? Was it for help with childcare or just to be able to spend more time with you?

If you live them unconditionally, mind their boundaries and extend respect and support to their spouse, you can easily improve odds in your favor.

[Anonymous]

*love