DH called DD a “fat ugly pig”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

ok so your DD has not only an ass for a father (he verbally attacked her and, most of all, is refusing the apologize - while we all make mistakes in the heat of the moment, especially with teenagers, the fact that your DH does not want to apologize, even after he saw the DD cry, shows that he is an ass), but even the mom is problematic. do you think it would have been less despicable to tell a 16 yr old that she is a "fat ugly pig" if she was in fact overweight and not beautiful?

[Anonymous]

Your poor daughter. My dad once made a comment about my legs when I was a teenager. I am in my 40s and due to his comment I still don’t wear shorts or dresses. He didn’t want to make me feel bad, it was just his observation but I had never forget it.

[Anonymous]

He's not sorry

Consider divorce

Life would be better without him

This is your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Time to hit the gym and diets

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As others have noted, time for divorce. It's the DCUM way whenever a person makes a mistake. There's no recovering.

Plenty of great men out there for a middle-aged single mother.

No need to be so sarcastic and why do you assume every woman wants to get remarried after divorce? You couldn't pay me enough to get married again if I ever divorced my husband and I know lots of women who feel the same. Once is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

"so much of the reason I'm mad that he called my daughter a whore is that, she is NOT, by any objective measure, someone with a high body count. He can't even get his facts straight, which is what really bothers me."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you say in the moment, OP? To maintain a close relationship with her and teach her not to accept abuse you have to aggressively defend her. I would ask him to leave the house for the night and discuss it tomorrow. You need to do something that she will remember.

In a calmer moment, ask her if anything Like this has happened before.

OP here. I told DD that it is not okay for DH to say that, ever, and that he didn’t mean it. I told DH that he needs to leave so he stormed out of the house. Not sure when he’s coming back but DD and I are going to watch a movie.

As so many have said, OP, this is going to be lifelong for her. And if it really is out of the blue from your husband, you need to question why on earth he suddenly snapped into being a monster. My guess is this isn't as out of the blue as it seems.

[Anonymous]

So
I’m guessing he said something along the lines of ‘that outfit makes you look like a fat ugly pig’ because he disapproved if it and she ignored or challenged him so he escalated. Probably why he is refusing to apologize as he feels the clothes do make her look bad and he doesn’t want her to wear them. But most teenage girls will only hear that he’s insulting them and it could cause real damage. I would tell him he might very well spark an eating disorder and show hiim tough photos of teenage girls who have developed them. Then ask him to find a way to make it right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So
I’m guessing he said something along the lines of ‘that outfit makes you look like a fat ugly pig’ because he disapproved if it and she ignored or challenged him so he escalated. Probably why he is refusing to apologize as he feels the clothes do make her look bad and he doesn’t want her to wear them. But most teenage girls will only hear that he’s insulting them and it could cause real damage. I would tell him he might very well spark an eating disorder and show hiim tough photos of teenage girls who have developed them. Then ask him to find a way to make it right.

This is juvenile. The bar must be set low fir this parent.

[Anonymous]

*for

[Anonymous]

Sooner or later, if he is the man you say he is, he will be riddled with guilt. It may take a while if he was super pissed, but again, IF he is a good dad like you say he will see that his anger blinded him and he needs to do what he can to repair the damage.
I am a man and have daughters, I can't imagine them doing anything that would make me say something like that, but I have flown off the handle in other ways (confronting a bullying coach). The crappy thing about being a parent, or one of the scrappy things lol, is that you just don't know when you are gonna say something that sticks with them forever in a negative sense. I would say your husband has definitely done that...in spades. What would get me would be if my wife was just looking at baby pics randomly and I walked by and saw the pics of the girls I love so much. Maybe give that a try. I would readily admit that a true generalization about dads is we just don't know how much our daughters look to us, and how a couple of seconds of doing something wrong can negate the trust they have in us.

[Anonymous]

Your husband is not a good father or a decent human

And you suck as a mother 💯

[Anonymous]

HE needs to apologize to her, take it back, fall on his sword. THEN you can have conversations about clothing and what is appropriate in certain settings. Do whatever you can to get your husband to apologize, it's very important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]I would have a talk with DH that clothing choices of your kid do not reflect on your parenting.[/b] Teenagers have their own style and it isn’t healthy to micromanage every aspect of your kid’s lives/choices.

Then challenge DH to find a tshirt that isn’t cropped for women right now because they’re everywhere!

I would then turnaround and have a chat with DD that revolves around making style selections that are appropriate for time/place/company. Sometime she has to dress more conservatively around old people.

I disagree and want to say that when my DD cut a pair of jeans to reflect "booty" shorts and happily pranced into our garage ready to go to a professional baseball game and sit in corporate seats (my co-workers) I had no problem turning her little self around and making it clear that no DD of mine was walking out of my house dressed with her but cheeks hanging out, let alone to what she knew was a business function of some sorts. That definitely reflects on me and my parenting, time and place. Not happening in our household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So
I’m guessing he said something along the lines of ‘that outfit makes you look like a fat ugly pig’ because he disapproved if it and she ignored or challenged him so he escalated. Probably why he is refusing to apologize as he feels the clothes do make her look bad and he doesn’t want her to wear them. But most teenage girls will only hear that he’s insulting them and it could cause real damage. I would tell him he might very well spark an eating disorder and show hiim tough photos of teenage girls who have developed them. Then ask him to find a way to make it right.

It took my DD years to understand that when I did not compliment an outfit she wanted to purchase or wear I was not attacking her body type, I was simply saying that does not look good. No insults, honest opinion. Look, what this man said was wrong on every level but he should feel free to let her know if he does not agree with his own daughter's clothing choices. He is her father and is allowed an opinion. Something tells me this kid loved pushing her parent's buttons and he just exploded after being silenced all the time.