DH called DD a “fat ugly pig”

[Anonymous]

Emotional abuse. I hope you stood up for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

People here are being very dramatic.

Yes that is a terrible thing to say, and I would be questioning my marriage, but to say your daughter is forever ruined by it is over the top. She is not destined for an eating disorder or a lifetime of therapy because of a hurtful comment. Teach your teens some resilience. You have to be able to move on from hurtful words- even from those you are closest to. One comment from Dad doesn’t define her unless she lets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here are being very dramatic.

Yes that is a terrible thing to say, and I would be questioning my marriage, but to say your daughter is forever ruined by it is over the top. She is not destined for an eating disorder or a lifetime of therapy because of a hurtful comment. Teach your teens some resilience. You have to be able to move on from hurtful words- even from those you are closest to. One comment from Dad doesn’t define her unless she lets it.

That's the sort of thing people usually work out in therapy. Not all teens (let alone adults) have that maturity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

That's at least as hateful as what your husband said. You actually believe that it's OK to insult some people, just not your kid? That how a young woman appears physically determines whether abuse is OK?

No wonder you can't recognize that your DH is a horrible person!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the problem here that the parents are ashamed that they find their daughter sexually attractive?

Are you Donald Trump?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you say in the moment, OP? To maintain a close relationship with her and teach her not to accept abuse you have to aggressively defend her. I would ask him to leave the house for the night and discuss it tomorrow. You need to do something that she will remember.

In a calmer moment, ask her if anything Like this has happened before.

OP here. I told DD that it is not okay for DH to say that, ever, and that he didn’t mean it. I told DH that he needs to leave so he stormed out of the house. Not sure when he’s coming back but DD and I are going to watch a movie.

It took me until I was 40 before I realized that my mom was always "interpreting" what my dad said and didn't say. "Of course, he loves you!", "Oh, he didn't mean it!"

It took me that long to see that she was his enabler and that her relationship with dad would always trump me.

Wow PP.

[Anonymous]

No matter how mad you get, you don't insult your children. That's abusive. And it sounds like you have some body issues to work through.

Family therapy, or at least family therapy for you and your H.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here are being very dramatic.

Yes that is a terrible thing to say, and I would be questioning my marriage, but to say your daughter is forever ruined by it is over the top. She is not destined for an eating disorder or a lifetime of therapy because of a hurtful comment. Teach your teens some resilience. You have to be able to move on from hurtful words- even from those you are closest to. One comment from Dad doesn’t define her unless she lets it.

Yes and No. My father nicknamed me "Useless" as a teenager and went as far as to have it embroidered on my bath towel (you know, as a 'joke'.) Yes, I grew up to be a decent wife, good mother, proficient at my job and a couple of degrees, and generally well adjusted, but I am sure that not so far under the surface are the scars, hurt, embarrassment, and 1001 emotional tolls of being told I was 'useless' as a teen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have a talk with DH that clothing choices of your kid do not reflect on your parenting. Teenagers have their own style and it isn’t healthy to micromanage every aspect of your kid’s lives/choices.

Then challenge DH to find a tshirt that isn’t cropped for women right now because they’re everywhere!

I would then turnaround and have a chat with DD that revolves around making style selections that are appropriate for time/place/company. Sometime she has to dress more conservatively around old people.

Dad shouldn’t have said what he said, obviously, but this is a really stupid take. It’s not hard to find appropriate clothing that fits properly. It’s 2024, for goodness sake.

Ok well having just spent the weekend shopping with my DD, we had a hard time not finding cropped Ts. Neither of us wanted cropped. But ok.

Also the amount of micromanaging going on in teenagers’ lives is astonishing based on the comments here. No wonder there is a mental health crisis! Forget social media, suffocating helicopter parenting is a huge cause.

[Anonymous]

This is quite awful. I feel terrible for your DD.

My question for you is, why did you say "he didn't mean it" instead of "Dad was wrong"?

It makes me think that there is dysfunction present beyond his comment on your side--not just your husband's.

If my husband said this, we would all be in immediate family and individual therapy, with some serious anger management counseling for him. I also would make sure there was a full medical workup because it would be so out of character. I don't know if I could stay with someone who wanted to so thoroughly hurt our child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That is horrible. She'll never get over it.

This. You need to have a come to Jesus with your husband. I wouldn’t blame your daughter for never speaking to her dad again. What he said was waaay out of line. If my husband had said that to ME, our relationship would be over. If he said it to one of my daughters, I would seriously contemplate divorce. It’s unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here are being very dramatic.

Yes that is a terrible thing to say, and I would be questioning my marriage, but to say your daughter is forever ruined by it is over the top. She is not destined for an eating disorder or a lifetime of therapy because of a hurtful comment. Teach your teens some resilience. You have to be able to move on from hurtful words- even from those you are closest to. One comment from Dad doesn’t define her unless she lets it.

Yes and No. My father nicknamed me "Useless" as a teenager and went as far as to have it embroidered on my bath towel (you know, as a 'joke'.) Yes, I grew up to be a decent wife, good mother, proficient at my job and a couple of degrees, and generally well adjusted, but I am sure that not so far under the surface are the scars, hurt, embarrassment, and 1001 emotional tolls of being told I was 'useless' as a teen.

Or maybe it’s what ultimately inspired you to be a decent wife, good mother, a proficient worker, who is well adjusted and with a couple of degrees?

Or perhaps it’s better to tell yourself this is the reality (even if it’s not) until you believe it. Believe that Dad was just doling out some tough love because he ultimately believed that are NOT useless, and look at you now!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have a talk with DH that clothing choices of your kid do not reflect on your parenting. Teenagers have their own style and it isn’t healthy to micromanage every aspect of your kid’s lives/choices.

Then challenge DH to find a tshirt that isn’t cropped for women right now because they’re everywhere!

I would then turnaround and have a chat with DD that revolves around making style selections that are appropriate for time/place/company. Sometime she has to dress more conservatively around old people.

Dad shouldn’t have said what he said, obviously, but this is a really stupid take. It’s not hard to find appropriate clothing that fits properly. It’s 2024, for goodness sake.

Ok well having just spent the weekend shopping with my DD, we had a hard time not finding cropped Ts. Neither of us wanted cropped. But ok.

Also the amount of micromanaging going on in teenagers’ lives is astonishing based on the comments here. No wonder there is a mental health crisis! Forget social media, suffocating helicopter parenting is a huge cause.

It’s too bad one can’t order clothes online and have them delivered right to your door. I bet whoever figures out how to make such a magical service a reality would be a billionaire…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People here are being very dramatic.

Yes that is a terrible thing to say, and I would be questioning my marriage, but to say your daughter is forever ruined by it is over the top. She is not destined for an eating disorder or a lifetime of therapy because of a hurtful comment. Teach your teens some resilience. You have to be able to move on from hurtful words- even from those you are closest to. One comment from Dad doesn’t define her unless she lets it.

You think this is the first time? This is an outlier? No and OP is a horrible parent to have stayed with that crap of a husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So
I’m guessing he said something along the lines of ‘that outfit makes you look like a fat ugly pig’ because he disapproved if it and she ignored or challenged him so he escalated. Probably why he is refusing to apologize as he feels the clothes do make her look bad and he doesn’t want her to wear them. But most teenage girls will only hear that he’s insulting them and it could cause real damage. I would tell him he might very well spark an eating disorder and show hiim tough photos of teenage girls who have developed them. Then ask him to find a way to make it right.

It took my DD years to understand that when I did not compliment an outfit she wanted to purchase or wear I was not attacking her body type, I was simply saying that does not look good. No insults, honest opinion. Look, what this man said was wrong on every level but he should feel free to let her know if he does not agree with his own daughter's clothing choices. He is her father and is allowed an opinion. Something tells me this kid loved pushing her parent's buttons and he just exploded after being silenced all the time.

Wow, you are justifying this mans abhorrent behavior? What is wrong with you?