DH called DD a “fat ugly pig”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

Gosh OP I don’t think I like this response from you. If she WAS overweight the comment would be even more cruel. Not less cruel. It would be a way of telling her that the way she exists in the world is not ok. Trust me when I tell you that has lifelong consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

Well that is quite a take, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

Wow....

Right? Dad calls her fat and ugly when he's mad, mom reassures the internet that her DH is really a good guy and DON'T WORRY her daughter isn't *actually* fat (crickets on ugly, tho). What a toxic cesspool to raise a teenaged girl inside of.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

Well that is quite a take, OP.

Starting to see why you two are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

Men will find any reason to justify abuse against women. And yes, this was verbally abusive behaviour.

[Anonymous]

When I was in high school my dad once told me my teeth looked awful and ugly because I don't brush ( I have those spots from when I had braces in middle school)

I'm 52 and have never ever forgotten

[Anonymous]

Your DH likely just gave her an eating disorder. At the very least.

I hope he's satisfied with himself.

[Anonymous]

What did you say in the moment, OP? To maintain a close relationship with her and teach her not to accept abuse you have to aggressively defend her. I would ask him to leave the house for the night and discuss it tomorrow. You need to do something that she will remember.

In a calmer moment, ask her if anything Like this has happened before.

[Anonymous]

It's worse when it comes from the first man you ever loved. She will never ever forget what he said and it will affect her relationships with men going forward. How very sad for her.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't put up with this from her brother but her father? He'd never hear the end of it from me until he apologized and MEANT IT.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in high school my dad once told me my teeth looked awful and ugly because I don't brush ( I have those spots from when I had braces in middle school)

I'm 52 and have never ever forgotten

I’m so sorry. As someone who grew up in an abusive household, words last a lot more than bruises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will not forget this, ever. She will also not forget how your react to this.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The most generous interpretation would be that he panicked about the social consequences of being overweight in revealing clothing, mostly the bias in his own head but also his lived experience. He tried to enforce a dress code to maintain power/protect, and when she pushed back he had a fear and impotence tantrum and lashed out to try to make her feel the fear and panic that drove him in the first place.
Pathetic. Wrong. But not evil. Just a very bad day and a very wrong reaction. He can apologize, learn and come back from it. If he wants to.

OP here. Part of the reason I’m so furious is that she is NOT, by any objective measure, overweight or unattractive. Saying something insulting that’s true is one thing, but coming up with something like this that’s a total lie is really despicable.

then what made him say it? Just because she refused to listen to him? Then, yea, he's got some serious issues.

I think you will need to figure out a way to heal that relationship and make sure that your DD is not traumatized by this - a father calling his DD "fat and ugly" is pretty traumatizing.

I'm really flat chested, and my dad made a comment about how I would be more attractive if I had a bigger chest. Yep, dad of the year award. That comment made me so insecure even though I had an attractive face. That insecurity stayed with me well into my 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you say in the moment, OP? To maintain a close relationship with her and teach her not to accept abuse you have to aggressively defend her. I would ask him to leave the house for the night and discuss it tomorrow. You need to do something that she will remember.

In a calmer moment, ask her if anything Like this has happened before.

OP here. I told DD that it is not okay for DH to say that, ever, and that he didn’t mean it. I told DH that he needs to leave so he stormed out of the house. Not sure when he’s coming back but DD and I are going to watch a movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will not forget this, ever. She will also not forget how your react to this.

+1

How would you react?