Why are people leaving starting families for later? Should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Zip it. I got married at 28 and we didn't even want or think of starting a family until 7 years later. My family never asked. BUT--noisy co-workers and other people felt the need to lecture me on biology and reproduction odds, etc....AND I WAS A BIOLOGY major in college with a graduate degree in genetics.

We were DINKs---traveled the world, made a lot of $, and had a fantastic first 7 years pre-kids.

Then the month we decided to try: I got pregnant first time, had my firstborn at 35. Got pregnant first try again at 37-- and my 2nd a month before I turned 38.

They are 16 and 18 now---super smart, fun and happy kids and we are early 50s with tons of energy and workout 6 days per week--no aches, pains--look very youthful.

I'm glad we waited. We built a huge nest egg, invested and got a lot of the the 'wild' out of our systems so never felt like we were missing out. We also got to be in the marriage and not instantly under stress with a new baby, etc. I also had patience and maturity as a mother and had been in my career for 10 years by the time I had my firstborn so I had a ton more flexibility in my schedule.

[Anonymous]

*nosy....but also noisy

[Anonymous]

I had my ovaries removed in my early 20s. Only my parents and partner know this. Not sure why so many people think it's their place to lecture others about fertility, particularly when there's so much information about a couples life they're unaware of.

[Anonymous]

From 18-36 are 18 years of adulthood, if one isn't ready but still wants kids, they need to learn to multitask. If its not a must or a priority then just enjoy your life, kids complicate life and aren't a must've. You can adopt, foster or marry someone with kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are one of those adults "waiting" to have children. We're both in fields that we love but our salaries are low compared to other fields that require a degree. Our professions don't offer many transferable skills that could be used in higher paid professions either so our options to increase our income are very limited.

We're really satisfied with our lifestyle, we get to travel internationally and our condo is almost paid off, so we seem successful from the outside, but if we had children, one of us would have to give up our job and we would have to move to a bigger condo or house. That would leave us living paycheck to paycheck, but not poor enough to qualify for any type of aid. Ideally, we'd love to have kids, but not under the circumstances we're under. We've accepted that we are unlikely to have kids. This isn't something we share with our family or friends, but many people in our life thought that we were just undecided or unaware about fertility and kept telling us to have children. Their advoce wasn't welcome, it was nosy.

You'd rather "travel internationally" than have kids? Pathetic.

[Anonymous]

I had all my children by 30.

[Anonymous]

Nobody needs your wisdom on family planning unless they've asked you. I had a baby at 42 and another at 44 with no medical assistance, each within three months of trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my ovaries removed in my early 20s. Only my parents and partner know this. Not sure why so many people think it's their place to lecture others about fertility, particularly when there's so much information about a couples life they're unaware of.

+1

It's literally the only personal health thing people feel they are entitled to comment on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

Who told you that fertility stays intact into your 40s?!

NP. How do you not know this? My great grandmother had my grandmother at age 42 more than 100 years ago. Most of my friends had their first kids between 40 and 45.

Yep. Conceived easily at 40 and 42. Mom and sister also had late pregnancies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are one of those adults "waiting" to have children. We're both in fields that we love but our salaries are low compared to other fields that require a degree. Our professions don't offer many transferable skills that could be used in higher paid professions either so our options to increase our income are very limited.

We're really satisfied with our lifestyle, we get to travel internationally and our condo is almost paid off, so we seem successful from the outside, but if we had children, one of us would have to give up our job and we would have to move to a bigger condo or house. That would leave us living paycheck to paycheck, but not poor enough to qualify for any type of aid. Ideally, we'd love to have kids, but not under the circumstances we're under. We've accepted that we are unlikely to have kids. This isn't something we share with our family or friends, but many people in our life thought that we were just undecided or unaware about fertility and kept telling us to have children. Their advoce wasn't welcome, it was nosy.

You'd rather "travel internationally" than have kids? Pathetic.

No she sounds incredibly self aware something you and many others could use

[Anonymous]

And I had 2 of them in 2 different countries. We traveled as a family with 3 children under 10 to 30 different countries. We've slowed down a bit now, but we have a house in Europe that we go to for the summers. I go back and stay there for a few weeks at a time. So yes, it is possible to have children in your 20s and still travel extensively and live in other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my ovaries removed in my early 20s. Only my parents and partner know this. Not sure why so many people think it's their place to lecture others about fertility, particularly when there's so much information about a couples life they're unaware of.

If a poster asks a question then others give advice from their own experience, observation and knowledge, no one is out there giving advice to preach to anyone who is unable or unwilling to have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just look at the graph for rapid decline of fertility around 35.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility

More and more people are delaying having children until their late 30s or 40s. But as you age, so do your ovaries and the eggs inside them. You cannot see or feel these changes, and they happen faster than you may think.

A woman's peak reproductive years are between the late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility (the ability to get pregnant) starts to decline. This decline happens faster once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely. -ACOG

We know that, but we're willing to risk it because the risk of not conceiving is preferable to the risk of having children we're not ready to raise.

OmG yes this!

I saw my friends have kids early on. It tanked their marriages.

No thanks!

Had my only when I was 40.

Perfect for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

Who told you that fertility stays intact into your 40s?!

NP. How do you not know this? My great grandmother had my grandmother at age 42 more than 100 years ago. Most of my friends had their first kids between 40 and 45.

Look up statistics, don't use random anecdotes.

There are plenty of articles online with statistics that debunk the myth of a universal fertility cliff at 35. Look it up.

Women have been having children in their late 30s and early 40s for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

Who told you that fertility stays intact into your 40s?!

NP. How do you not know this? My great grandmother had my grandmother at age 42 more than 100 years ago. Most of my friends had their first kids between 40 and 45.

Look up statistics, don't use random anecdotes.

There are plenty of articles online with statistics that debunk the myth of a universal fertility cliff at 35. Look it up.

Women have been having children in their late 30s and early 40s for decades.

Not their firsts. These are quite unprecedented times in that respect.