Why are people leaving starting families for later? Should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

Statistically, you are a very rare case.

Don't dump on people who understand math better than you.

And please feel grateful every single day of your child's life that you were that lucky!!!

[Anonymous]

You have no idea how long they have been trying. What people share and what is actually going on are not always the same.

None of your business.

[Anonymous]

Friends don't let friends ignore the FACTS.

[Anonymous]

As this article says, it is a continuum, not a cliff and will vary individual to individual.

"One of the largest studies on the topic, for example, found that, of 2,820 Danish women who had intercourse at least twice a week, 84% of those aged 25-29, 88% of those aged 30-34, and 73% of those aged 35-40 conceived within 12 menstrual cycles."

https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20240313-the-fertility-myth-most-advice-says-womens-fertility-declines-after-35-the-truth-is-more-complicated#

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times and in how many ways are you going to make this thread?

As a person who has gone through the expense and physical / emotional stress of infertility treatments, I believe many people would start similar threads as it comes up in their lives. No one wants to see their friends go through it. It’s lonely when you are going through it - so if you come out the other end with a healthy baby it feels good to talk about it.

Yeah still doesn't make it your business.
And it's still likely that this is the same poster who loves to tell women they are too old to get pregnant and are a waste after 25.but if you want to entertain them go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times and in how many ways are you going to make this thread?

As a person who has gone through the expense and physical / emotional stress of infertility treatments, I believe many people would start similar threads as it comes up in their lives. No one wants to see their friends go through it. It’s lonely when you are going through it - so if you come out the other end with a healthy baby it feels good to talk about it.

Yeah still doesn't make it your business.
And it's still likely that this is the same poster who loves to tell women they are too old to get pregnant and are a waste after 25.but if you want to entertain them go ahead.

Brunch granny adjacent, for sure

[Anonymous]

This is a good way to ruin your friendship with people.

Everyone's fertility issues are extremely specific. Yes, there are statistics that can be used to predict a likely or average case. But individuals are not statistics.

I had a healthy first child at 37 with no intervention. Based on what I already knew about fertility (and that no friend had to point out to me, because I'm literate and aware of what is going on in the world), I was actually surprised by how quickly and easily I conceived, and how well the pregnancy went. Like so surprised I was almost stressed out because I had assumed it would take me more time and effort to conceive, and as a result felt oddly unprepared for my pregnancy and becoming a mom, even though I'd made a conscious choice to try to make it happen.

What an outsider might not know is that the decision to wait was also a conscious, informed choice. I grew up in an abusive family and I was nervous about becoming a mom -- I did not want to continue a cycle of abuse, and I also worried that I just wouldn't be well suited to parenting. My DH and I discussed kids several times, and chose to postpone unless and until it felt right for us.

We knew that postponing would raise the risks of infertility, as well as complications. We discussed this as well, and decided that if we waited and then struggled to conceive, we were open to adoption and also could deal with it if it turned out we couldn't be parents. We took on the view "if it's meant to be, it will be" and made peace with it. All of this before even attempting to conceive.

If a friend had tried to scold me about my fertility, or inform me about statistics I was well aware of, I would have been deeply annoyed. Because my friend my know about fertility statistics, but not understand ANYTHING about my childhood, my concerns about becoming a parent, or the work I was doing on myself to see if I could reach a point where having a kid sounded like a good idea. I would view a comment like that as presumptuous and myopic -- assuming that my first and only concern was just fertility and not getting that the choice to start a family is broader than that and encompasses many factors.

So, OP, I would (1) be quiet, and (2) consider that your friends who are waiting to start families are doing so for very good reasons that you might not be privy to. You aren't god, you don't know $hit.

[Anonymous]

If they see a gynecologist for annual checkups they've likely already heard it from their Dr. I know I did when I married at 31.

[Anonymous]

DH and I tried having a baby for 8 years before we finally became parents. Meanwhile we got lots of "Aren't you guys having kids?" etc.

We are private people and this issue was something we were dealing with that we held close to our hearts. We know people meant well, but sometimes it seemed particularly cruel after one our miscarriages. Because on the outside, we didn't look like we were mourning.

I would never speak to another adult about having children. You never know what they are dealing with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times and in how many ways are you going to make this thread?

As a person who has gone through the expense and physical / emotional stress of infertility treatments, I believe many people would start similar threads as it comes up in their lives. No one wants to see their friends go through it. It’s lonely when you are going through it - so if you come out the other end with a healthy baby it feels good to talk about it.

Yeah still doesn't make it your business.
And it's still likely that this is the same poster who loves to tell women they are too old to get pregnant and are a waste after 25.but if you want to entertain them go ahead.

Brunch granny adjacent, for sure

FTLOG please stop trying to make brunch granny happen.

[Anonymous]

Half of them probably don’t want to have kids and just don’t want to tell people because of the judgment they’ll get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I tried having a baby for 8 years before we finally became parents. Meanwhile we got lots of "Aren't you guys having kids?" etc.

We are private people and this issue was something we were dealing with that we held close to our hearts. We know people meant well, but sometimes it seemed particularly cruel after one our miscarriages. Because on the outside, we didn't look like we were mourning.

I would never speak to another adult about having children. You never know what they are dealing with.

This. It's crazy to me how many people like OP see a couple in their late 30s without children and assume "oh, it must be because no one told them it's harder to conceive when you are older!" Use some common sense. No one is unaware of how fertility declines with age. Lots of people don't advertise their fertility concerns to everyone they know. In fact, the person they are least likely to tell is the one chomping at the bit to explain fertility statistics to them, because these people are also likely to consider themselves amateur fertility specialists who will then try to explain to you that they know more than your actual doctors regarding how you should conceive.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

Statistically, you are a very rare case.

Don't dump on people who understand math better than you.

And please feel grateful every single day of your child's life that you were that lucky!!!

No, they are not a rare case. I was in my early 40s when I conceived. Zero issues, very healthy child, easy pregnancy and would have gone for another, but only wanted one child.

This is not about math. The stats that the medical community was using was very outdated, times have changed. Women are more educated, focused on their careers, getting married later and unsure about needing to have kids. 35 used to be the cut off. 40s are the new 30s. Fertility and infertility is a case by case basis depending on a woman's body, not as a gender in totality.

[Anonymous]

You sound very judgmental for someone who started trying for kids one year shy of a geriatric pregnancy.

34 is not young. When a woman is 35 or older, they are medically considered geriatric pregnancies because the risks of complications and genetic problems increases so dramatically.

So, instead of asking your friends, ask yourself why you waited until you were months shy of geriatric pregnancy age to start trying?

That is your answer.