Why are people leaving starting families for later? Should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Because kids are harder than you think, there's zero support and raising children is more difficult than it was in prior generations.

Just think of all the freedoms that DINKs have- financial freedom, freedom to travel on a whim, freedom to eat cereal for dinner, freedom from nonstop chores... it's hard to give all that up for kids. I did it and I made that choice, but it's HARD. I'm a type A perfectionist and raising smart, loving children, who eat healthy dinners in a clean home is a herculean task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Friends don't let friends ignore the FACTS.

Where is this graph from? Shopify lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say anything to them directly like “better start trying!” - but I would mention my troubles.

This. You can always speak from your own experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

Statistically, you are a very rare case.

Don't dump on people who understand math better than you.

And please feel grateful every single day of your child's life that you were that lucky!!!

No, they are not a rare case. I was in my early 40s when I conceived. Zero issues, very healthy child, easy pregnancy and would have gone for another, but only wanted one child.

This is not about math. The stats that the medical community was using was very outdated, times have changed. Women are more educated, focused on their careers, getting married later and unsure about needing to have kids. 35 used to be the cut off. 40s are the new 30s. Fertility and infertility is a case by case basis depending on a woman's body, not as a gender in totality.

+1 Like the first PP, I got pregnant within the 1st month without birth control. I was 37. I had 4 pregnancies in 3 years resulting in 3 live births. SO glad I was on BCP all those years! 40s are the new 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say anything to them directly like “better start trying!” - but I would mention my troubles. I was married at 33 and we started trying 6 mo before the wedding. I had no indications of fertility issues and I still ended up doing 3 IUIs, 1 round of IVF and had my first child at 36.5. My second child was a surprise - conceived at age 38 between the time I got my IUD out and when I should have had my next period. So, I’ve had both extremes!

When IVF comes up in the news or casual conversation, I am open about my experience just as a point of reference. If they choose to hear it as a cautionary tale, that’s fine. If not, I trust adults who genuinely want kids have done research and can make their own decisions.

I had a very similar experience and this is the path I take as well. It's not something I bring up proactively but if it comes up I will mention that out can take longer than you expect it to, earlier than you expect. And that it is easy to get blood tests that might indicate future problems. I would never raise the subject with someone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How many times and in how many ways are you going to make this thread?

OP. this is the first time. I'm not very familiar with this forum. Apologies if this has been asked recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

np.. tbf, it's not anecdata. There is data that shows older women have a harder time getting pregnant, and also that pregnancy comes with greater risks.

And I say this as someone who had kids at almost 35 and 38. Having stated that, I understand why women wait to have kids. It's a tough choice. Despite what we've been told, we cannot have it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

Statistically, you are a very rare case.

Don't dump on people who understand math better than you.

And please feel grateful every single day of your child's life that you were that lucky!!!

No, they are not a rare case. I was in my early 40s when I conceived. Zero issues, very healthy child, easy pregnancy and would have gone for another, but only wanted one child.

This is not about math. The stats that the medical community was using was very outdated, times have changed. Women are more educated, focused on their careers, getting married later and unsure about needing to have kids. 35 used to be the cut off. 40s are the new 30s. Fertility and infertility is a case by case basis depending on a woman's body, not as a gender in totality.

What are the current numbers then? More older women are able to get pregnant and have relatively healthy children due to modern medicine like IVF and genetic testing. It doesn't mean that older women naturally don't have problems getting pregnant, anecdata aside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

[Anonymous]

I had kids at 37 and 40. Tried to have another kid but couldn't even with IVF. It was a mistake to wait that long, I wish I'd started sooner.

DH was 43 and 46 when we had kids, I know he regrets waiting that long, too.

[Anonymous]

Were you open about your fertility struggles while trying to conceive? Most people aren't. Maybe they are trying and having the exact same difficulties as you. STFU and MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

what research?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because kids are harder than you think, there's zero support and raising children is more difficult than it was in prior generations.

Just think of all the freedoms that DINKs have- financial freedom, freedom to travel on a whim, freedom to eat cereal for dinner, freedom from nonstop chores... it's hard to give all that up for kids. I did it and I made that choice, but it's HARD. I'm a type A perfectionist and raising smart, loving children, who eat healthy dinners in a clean home is a herculean task.

What makes you think that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Want me to write supplemental info? We decided late to have a child. I was a “geriatric pregnancy”. I got pregnant the first month trying, and had an amazing pregnancy. Didn’t need a MFM, an OB/GYN, other than the fact my kid was breech. Had a a great C section experience due to that.

If we had have had more family support where we are, I may have gone for a second.

Your anecdata isn’t the only anecdata, you know.

Statistically, you are a very rare case.

Don't dump on people who understand math better than you.

And please feel grateful every single day of your child's life that you were that lucky!!!

No, they are not a rare case. I was in my early 40s when I conceived. Zero issues, very healthy child, easy pregnancy and would have gone for another, but only wanted one child.

This is not about math. The stats that the medical community was using was very outdated, times have changed. Women are more educated, focused on their careers, getting married later and unsure about needing to have kids. 35 used to be the cut off. 40s are the new 30s. Fertility and infertility is a case by case basis depending on a woman's body, not as a gender in totality.

+1 Like the first PP, I got pregnant within the 1st month without birth control. I was 37. I had 4 pregnancies in 3 years resulting in 3 live births. SO glad I was on BCP all those years! 40s are the new 30s.

So what age did you conceive your last? My gynecologist boyfriend says women are conceiving into their 40s with fertility drugs