Why are people leaving starting families for later? Should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the only person in my friend group who has children and it took us several years to conceive. We started trying when I was 34 and didn't succeed until I was around 37. The reasons are unknown as neither of show evidence of any specific condition. While 34 is relatively young, any fertility issues you might have are exacerbated around that age, and fertility issues are much more common than we care to admit.

My friends who are between the ages of 35 and 39 are just thinking about children. While some of them are trying, the youngest ones say they're leaving in for later because financial reasons or no reason at all. I see the same trend with my sister and cousins. All of them are partnered and have good jobs so i'm not buying it. I'm afraid many of them will not be able to conceive as a result of their naivety, but I'm not sure if I should say something.

How is this your business?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

Who told you that fertility stays intact into your 40s?!

NP. How do you not know this? My great grandmother had my grandmother at age 42 more than 100 years ago. Most of my friends had their first kids between 40 and 45.

Look up statistics, don't use random anecdotes.

There are plenty of articles online with statistics that debunk the myth of a universal fertility cliff at 35. Look it up.

Women have been having children in their late 30s and early 40s for decades.

Actually, for centuries! With no birth control babies being born to women in their 40s was common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are one of those adults "waiting" to have children. We're both in fields that we love but our salaries are low compared to other fields that require a degree. Our professions don't offer many transferable skills that could be used in higher paid professions either so our options to increase our income are very limited.

We're really satisfied with our lifestyle, we get to travel internationally and our condo is almost paid off, so we seem successful from the outside, but if we had children, one of us would have to give up our job and we would have to move to a bigger condo or house. That would leave us living paycheck to paycheck, but not poor enough to qualify for any type of aid. Ideally, we'd love to have kids, but not under the circumstances we're under. We've accepted that we are unlikely to have kids. This isn't something we share with our family or friends, but many people in our life thought that we were just undecided or unaware about fertility and kept telling us to have children. Their advoce wasn't welcome, it was nosy.

You'd rather "travel internationally" than have kids? Pathetic.

Smart, I say. I did the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had my ovaries removed in my early 20s. Only my parents and partner know this. Not sure why so many people think it's their place to lecture others about fertility, particularly when there's so much information about a couples life they're unaware of.

If a poster asks a question then others give advice from their own experience, observation and knowledge, no one is out there giving advice to preach to anyone who is unable or unwilling to have kids.

The OP is contemplating to give advice nobody asked for to people in real life while completely unaware of the real reasons these people aren't having kids.

I'm the poster you're replying to. I've had many people telling me to hurry up or demanding to know the reason I'm childless. Their advice is useless because they only know their own experience. They've no idea why anybody else is making the decisions they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man...my parents had kids when they were a little too young and dumb, but at least they had energy. You should get a load at the geriatric office workers barely able to stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time trying to raise kids these days. A couple shoves on the swing and they're heading to the nearest bench to take a load off and scroll. Having kids late is a bit selfish IMO.

Yet another opinion you should keep yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are one of those adults "waiting" to have children. We're both in fields that we love but our salaries are low compared to other fields that require a degree. Our professions don't offer many transferable skills that could be used in higher paid professions either so our options to increase our income are very limited.

We're really satisfied with our lifestyle, we get to travel internationally and our condo is almost paid off, so we seem successful from the outside, but if we had children, one of us would have to give up our job and we would have to move to a bigger condo or house. That would leave us living paycheck to paycheck, but not poor enough to qualify for any type of aid. Ideally, we'd love to have kids, but not under the circumstances we're under. We've accepted that we are unlikely to have kids. This isn't something we share with our family or friends, but many people in our life thought that we were just undecided or unaware about fertility and kept telling us to have children. Their advoce wasn't welcome, it was nosy.

You'd rather "travel internationally" than have kids? Pathetic.

International travel doesn't require that one of us quit their job to take care of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the only person in my friend group who has children and it took us several years to conceive. We started trying when I was 34 and didn't succeed until I was around 37. The reasons are unknown as neither of show evidence of any specific condition. While 34 is relatively young, any fertility issues you might have are exacerbated around that age, and fertility issues are much more common than we care to admit.

My friends who are between the ages of 35 and 39 are just thinking about children. While some of them are trying, the youngest ones say they're leaving in for later because financial reasons or no reason at all. I see the same trend with my sister and cousins. All of them are partnered and have good jobs so i'm not buying it. I'm afraid many of them will not be able to conceive as a result of their naivety, but I'm not sure if I should say something.

Even if women want to have kids and feel emotionally ready, they often delay because society gives them deceptive idea that getting pregnant at late age is so easy and infertility is nothing more like cold. With education, career, men, housing, aging parents, money and social lives, they feel like kids are a luxury which can be bought any time.

You sound like a fundie. No one I know except fundies think pregnancy is no big deal - either to conceive or to carry. Of course, they're also the ones supporting forced birth and a whole bunch of other crap that their 'society' tells them instead of making minimal effort to learn for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just look at the graph for rapid decline of fertility around 35.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Age_and_female_fertility

More and more people are delaying having children until their late 30s or 40s. But as you age, so do your ovaries and the eggs inside them. You cannot see or feel these changes, and they happen faster than you may think.

A woman's peak reproductive years are between the late teens and late 20s. By age 30, fertility (the ability to get pregnant) starts to decline. This decline happens faster once you reach your mid-30s. By 45, fertility has declined so much that getting pregnant naturally is unlikely. -ACOG

Still, according to the data, 67.4% of women 37-39 and 55.5% of women 40-45 who are trying, get pregnant within 12 months.




https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5712257/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fertile, but DH is not. Not in our 20s, not in our 30s, and not in our 40s. It's not all about women.

I don't quite understand your post. But yes, the man can be the infertile one. And sometimes it's the couple.
My cousin and ex could not conceive they tried and tried staring in their late 20s. . Divorced each had kids with other people

What I am saying is that my husband's fertility remained poor with age, and I stayed pretty fertile into my 40s (I am not willing to elaborate on how I know it). I can't count the number of times well-wishes told me that we should not be delaying children any further or that having a large gap between the kids is not good. Do you know how many times my DH (who refused to do any fertility treatments) has heard anyone mention his declining fertility? Zero.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the only person in my friend group who has children and it took us several years to conceive. We started trying when I was 34 and didn't succeed until I was around 37. The reasons are unknown as neither of show evidence of any specific condition. While 34 is relatively young, any fertility issues you might have are exacerbated around that age, and fertility issues are much more common than we care to admit.

My friends who are between the ages of 35 and 39 are just thinking about children. While some of them are trying, the youngest ones say they're leaving in for later because financial reasons or no reason at all. I see the same trend with my sister and cousins. All of them are partnered and have good jobs so i'm not buying it. I'm afraid many of them will not be able to conceive as a result of their naivety, but I'm not sure if I should say something.

OMG! Is that true? Please enlighten us more about this mysterious fertility decline nobody has ever heard of. I'm pretty sure that if you just told every childless couple about it they would drop everything they're doing to have unprotected sex ASAP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the only person in my friend group who has children and it took us several years to conceive. We started trying when I was 34 and didn't succeed until I was around 37. The reasons are unknown as neither of show evidence of any specific condition. While 34 is relatively young, any fertility issues you might have are exacerbated around that age, and fertility issues are much more common than we care to admit.

My friends who are between the ages of 35 and 39 are just thinking about children. While some of them are trying, the youngest ones say they're leaving in for later because financial reasons or no reason at all. I see the same trend with my sister and cousins. All of them are partnered and have good jobs so i'm not buying it. I'm afraid many of them will not be able to conceive as a result of their naivety, but I'm not sure if I should say something.

Yes, your friends are probably stupid and naive. You should let them know you think they are stupid about biology and naive.

This is very likely a troll post, or OP is actually friendless.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say anything to them directly like “better start trying!” - but I would mention my troubles. I was married at 33 and we started trying 6 mo before the wedding. I had no indications of fertility issues and I still ended up doing 3 IUIs, 1 round of IVF and had my first child at 36.5. My second child was a surprise - conceived at age 38 between the time I got my IUD out and when I should have had my next period. So, I’ve had both extremes!

When IVF comes up in the news or casual conversation, I am open about my experience just as a point of reference. If they choose to hear it as a cautionary tale, that’s fine. If not, I trust adults who genuinely want kids have done research and can make their own decisions.

Your experience doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ll bet you were on the pill since college. After years of artificial hormones messing with your endocrinology, telling your body it was already pregnant, it makes sense that you couldn’t get pregnant when you wanted to. The natural hormones of pregnancy got everything going back on track and left you fertile and ready to go.

I don’t go around telling people not to take the pill lest they risk needing IVF down the road and OP should mind her beeswax about “filling people in” on waiting too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am fertile, but DH is not. Not in our 20s, not in our 30s, and not in our 40s. It's not all about women.

I don't quite understand your post. But yes, the man can be the infertile one. And sometimes it's the couple.
My cousin and ex could not conceive they tried and tried staring in their late 20s. . Divorced each had kids with other people

What I am saying is that my husband's fertility remained poor with age, and I stayed pretty fertile into my 40s (I am not willing to elaborate on how I know it). I can't count the number of times well-wishes told me that we should not be delaying children any further or that having a large gap between the kids is not good. Do you know how many times my DH (who refused to do any fertility treatments) has heard anyone mention his declining fertility? Zero.

Not surprising. People always blame women

[Anonymous]

Don’t “say something,” but if it fits in a convo somewhere, slip in your experience offhandedly (if they don’t already know), giving those friends an opening to reach out to you about it if they have questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t say anything to them directly like “better start trying!” - but I would mention my troubles. I was married at 33 and we started trying 6 mo before the wedding. I had no indications of fertility issues and I still ended up doing 3 IUIs, 1 round of IVF and had my first child at 36.5. My second child was a surprise - conceived at age 38 between the time I got my IUD out and when I should have had my next period. So, I’ve had both extremes!

When IVF comes up in the news or casual conversation, I am open about my experience just as a point of reference. If they choose to hear it as a cautionary tale, that’s fine. If not, I trust adults who genuinely want kids have done research and can make their own decisions.

Your experience doesn’t surprise me at all. I’ll bet you were on the pill since college. After years of artificial hormones messing with your endocrinology, telling your body it was already pregnant, it makes sense that you couldn’t get pregnant when you wanted to. The natural hormones of pregnancy got everything going back on track and left you fertile and ready to go.

I don’t go around telling people not to take the pill lest they risk needing IVF down the road and OP should mind her beeswax about “filling people in” on waiting too long.

I went on the pill twice for one month each, ever, and had been off of it for fourteen years by the time my son was born, and I did 4 IUIs and 3 rounds of IVF. Meanwhile I know SO many women who had been on the pill for 10+ years, “pulled the goalie” and got pregnant, or got pregnant via IUI, as statistically unlikely as that sounds. So eh.