Why are people leaving starting families for later? Should I say something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How many times and in how many ways are you going to make this thread?

OP. this is the first time. I'm not very familiar with this forum. Apologies if this has been asked recently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

And that's true. You would have had trouble conceiving even if you started at 22.

[Anonymous]

I had my first at 28, and even then it took a little time. (Discovered a small issue that medicine could remedy.) When you were 28, would you have liked me to question you about your reproductive choices and say that you should hurry up?

[Anonymous]

l conceived the first month trying at age 36. I was very surprised, l thought it would take much longer. My mom was very fertile, and l rarely drank, never smoked and was very healthy. Maybe not so surprising given my case.

I am very grateful to a friend who had done way more research than me and already had kids, who mentioned in a non- awkward way that fertility plummets mid to late 30s, just incase l wanted kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

And that's true. You would have had trouble conceiving even if you started at 22.

You say that authoritatively, as you know it’s true. A piece of information that is…of an advisory nature, even. Curious! Are you speaking from experience?

I have accepted that the much of the fertility journey is being gaslit on both ends. Lol

[Anonymous]

I don't know of more recent studies on fertility issues after 35 than the deeply flawed studies that were relied upon for years to scare women, but I do know that fertility rates by age group have basically flipped in the last 30 years. From the US census:



We don't know how many of the older conceptions involved IVF or other interventions, and this also does not tell us if the births were first or subsequent children for women, but we can pretty clearly see that women are having children at later ages, with age 30 being a significant dividing line (birth rates increasing for over 30 and decreasing for under 30).

Also keep in mind that many people don't view needing fertility treatments as some horrible thing now. They are increasingly covered by insurance and among UMC people, some companies have started offering them as a perk. I know people who have had consults with fertility doctors in their early 30s, and felt comfortable delaying pregnancy a few more years for a variety of reasons based on early testing, knowing they can afford/will have access to assistance if they need it. And then it worked out. Yes there is still risk involved in this approach, but it's educated, mitigated risk. The landscape is very different than it was 15 years ago, at least for the reasonably well off.

[Anonymous]

I am fertile, but DH is not. Not in our 20s, not in our 30s, and not in our 40s. It's not all about women.

[Anonymous]

I think I've said this before, but I'll say this again: people who want kids and are ready to have them DON'T wait to ttc. People who say they want a family but keep pushing the the timeline for no reason most likely see the matter as another task in their to do list they don't genuinely want to get done. These people shouldn't be encouraged to reproduce.

Conversely, people who are serious about starting a family are taking all the necessary steps to do so, which includes visiting an obgyn that has already informed them about potential fertility issues. If they're not having children yet they're either having medical issues that prevents them from getting pregnant or they're experiencing other problems that make having a family a bad idea.

Your friends aren't naive. You are the one who is naive regarding how much you think you know about another person's private life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

And that's true. You would have had trouble conceiving even if you started at 22.

You say that authoritatively, as you know it’s true. A piece of information that is…of an advisory nature, even. Curious! Are you speaking from experience?

I have accepted that the much of the fertility journey is being gaslit on both ends. Lol

You sound insane . Nobody is gaslighting you. Odds are you would have had trouble if you started at 22 and spent a decade trying. But if it's easier for you to believe you were wrong and deceived you do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I've said this before, but I'll say this again: people who want kids and are ready to have them DON'T wait to ttc. People who say they want a family but keep pushing the the timeline for no reason most likely see the matter as another task in their to do list they don't genuinely want to get done. These people shouldn't be encouraged to reproduce.

Conversely, people who are serious about starting a family are taking all the necessary steps to do so, which includes visiting an obgyn that has already informed them about potential fertility issues. If they're not having children yet they're either having medical issues that prevents them from getting pregnant or they're experiencing other problems that make having a family a bad idea.

Your friends aren't naive. You are the one who is naive regarding how much you think you know about another person's private life.

Don't really agree with the rest of your post. But the last paragraph is 100% true. It amazes me that people like op really believe that other adults are just out there clueless floundering about in desperate need of her guidance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

And that's true. You would have had trouble conceiving even if you started at 22.

You say that authoritatively, as you know it’s true. A piece of information that is…of an advisory nature, even. Curious! Are you speaking from experience?

I have accepted that the much of the fertility journey is being gaslit on both ends. Lol

You guys should stop using the word "gaslight" to describe any inaccurate remark or information you encounter. Yes, there's a lot of misinformation about fertility and pretty much any other issue, this doesn't mean there's a conspiracy to make you feel wrong about the subject. As a responsible adult, you should be consulting with an obgyn/fertility doctor if you're unsure about your fertility, instead of relying on random people to educate you.

[Anonymous]

I think sharing your own experience AS THAT, and not as part of unsolicited advice, is helpful. Trust people to connect the dots.

I had my first at 29 in part because I knew about my family history of infertility, but if my mom had said anything about what I should do, it would have been a massive overstep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who has been trying for many many years, I do wish someone who I knew truly cared about me said something (although 35 would have been much too late). I may not have listened, but the seed would have been planted.

At this point, I don’t take offense to people’s unsolicited advice anymore. They don’t know my story, but obviously intend well. I simply Don’t Take Their Advice. It’s not some massive insult to a woman’s honor/intelligence.

Generally speaking—If you care about them, I think you should say something IMO. But moreso if they’re 27 rather than 37. This proves itself in your own experience, that sometimes it’s too late for the advice to do any good.

How old are you that you didn't know that fertility decreases as a woman ages?

I DO take offense to people's unsolicited advice. If I want your advice, I'll ask for it. Otherwise, STFU.

PP. Quite the contrary, I was told that I had plenty of time, and that a woman’s fertility remains more or less completely intact well into her 40s. Just like the women in this thread who easily popped out 3 kids, without trying, beginning at ~38. Like those PPs’ experience is totally normal, and the research that says otherwise is outdated, as also elucidated in this thread. It is what it is.

Telling people who love you and have your best interest at heart to STFU is crazy.

Who told you that fertility stays intact into your 40s?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am fertile, but DH is not. Not in our 20s, not in our 30s, and not in our 40s. It's not all about women.

I don't quite understand your post. But yes, the man can be the infertile one. And sometimes it's the couple.
My cousin and ex could not conceive they tried and tried staring in their late 20s. . Divorced each had kids with other people

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are one of those adults "waiting" to have children. We're both in fields that we love but our salaries are low compared to other fields that require a degree. Our professions don't offer many transferable skills that could be used in higher paid professions either so our options to increase our income are very limited.

We're really satisfied with our lifestyle, we get to travel internationally and our condo is almost paid off, so we seem successful from the outside, but if we had children, one of us would have to give up our job and we would have to move to a bigger condo or house. That would leave us living paycheck to paycheck, but not poor enough to qualify for any type of aid. Ideally, we'd love to have kids, but not under the circumstances we're under. We've accepted that we are unlikely to have kids. This isn't something we share with our family or friends, but many people in our life thought that we were just undecided or unaware about fertility and kept telling us to have children. Their advoce wasn't welcome, it was nosy.