New girlfriend is blocking access to my best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

But it’s fine for friends to try to change friends?

Just so we’re clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

There's nothing for you to do here except be patient. You can't control others -- her OR him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

But it’s fine for friends to try to change friends?

Just so we’re clear.

It is fine for people to say that they are uncomfortable with their romantic partners remaining friends with former romantic partners. Especially if the old ones continually brag that they are more attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a good guy friend like this except we never dated (he wanted to though). When he met his now-wife she decided communicating with the me was bad for him because he still had a thing for me. I still miss him at times but so have respected their wishes (and is is them, not her, if he agrees to it.). I have never reached out again and it has been more than a dozen years since we have even texted.

At least you understand that much

Not OP, I was talking to OP.

She needs to back off. He needs to be able to develop a relationship without her baggage and interference. He has chosen the potential relationship over the friendship, and that is his choice to make.

He doesn’t sound that committed to sobriety, IMO. Nor is he that committed to OP (nor should he be, she is married to someone else).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

OP here. He has been to rehab 4 times. It’s a big issue for him.

It’s an issue for HIM.

You’re confused about whose problem this is. Maybe AlAnon or NarAnon (or heck, maybe CoDA) may be more helpful than DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

But it’s fine for friends to try to change friends?

Just so we’re clear.

I think if OP had posted about being concerned for him dropping out of rehab to date a drug user there would be a slightly different response. As is, with OPs comment about her hotness and the title of "blocking access" I don't think she has best intentions at heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

Sigh. Do you hear yourself? OP, you, others always want to blame the new girlfriend. for things being different as if the guy has zero agency. If he's not talking to you or not seeing you it's because he doesn't want to. And yes somethings do change when people are in relationships. Thi is hard for a certain subset of women to understand

Again, not OP.

I don't "want to blame the new girlfriend". I said if she's uncomfortable with their friendship dynamic then she shouldnt date him. There are millions of men without a female best friend. But she picks one with a female friend and then asks him to cut her off (I dont agree with OP telling him to cut her our or how much hotter she is either, to be clear). It just doesnt make sense. I refer you back to my cat comment again.

It's not that he has a female friend. It's that his female friend and he have some enmeshed codependent relationship that would be obvious to the gf if the female friend and the guy talk several times a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It isn't fair. But that doesn't make it any less real. If you are really his best friend you'll respect his decisions. And let him know you'll be there for him no matter what. But he gets to make this decision. If he's stupid, he'll limit contact with you. If he's smart, he'll break up with her for trying to control him. If he's super smart maybe he'll find a way to make it work and get her up to full-adult capacity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the gf is right to be concerned about you.

VERY good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

Sigh. Do you hear yourself? OP, you, others always want to blame the new girlfriend. for things being different as if the guy has zero agency. If he's not talking to you or not seeing you it's because he doesn't want to. And yes somethings do change when people are in relationships. Thi is hard for a certain subset of women to understand

Again, not OP.

I don't "want to blame the new girlfriend". I said if she's uncomfortable with their friendship dynamic then she shouldnt date him. There are millions of men without a female best friend. But she picks one with a female friend and then asks him to cut her off (I dont agree with OP telling him to cut her our or how much hotter she is either, to be clear). It just doesnt make sense. I refer you back to my cat comment again.

Again I'll repeat for you if the boyfriend wanted to see OP he would. lets not blame women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

But it’s fine for friends to try to change friends?

Just so we’re clear.

I think if OP had posted about being concerned for him dropping out of rehab to date a drug user there would be a slightly different response. As is, with OPs comment about her hotness and the title of "blocking access" I don't think she has best intentions at heart.

Agree. I think she liked hi dependency on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a good guy friend like this except we never dated (he wanted to though). When he met his now-wife she decided communicating with the me was bad for him because he still had a thing for me. I still miss him at times but so have respected their wishes (and is is them, not her, if he agrees to it.). I have never reached out again and it has been more than a dozen years since we have even texted.

At least you understand that much

Not OP, I was talking to OP.

She needs to back off. He needs to be able to develop a relationship without her baggage and interference. He has chosen the potential relationship over the friendship, and that is his choice to make.

He doesn’t sound that committed to sobriety, IMO. Nor is he that committed to OP (nor should he be, she is married to someone else).

I agree with you. It's unfortunate OP doesn't have this mindset

[Anonymous]

Everyone involved seems to be blaming the wrong person for the wrong things.

New girlfriend seems controlling. Friend seems a bit spineless. OP seems controlling in a different way.

This story probably has an unhappy ending for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

You have given her plenty of reason not to keep you in their lives.

And this is out of your hands.

(You sound like she threatens you.)

Just move on.

[Anonymous]

I agree with several PPs that you come across possessive and entitled based on comments about being “way” prettier and the odd one about giving him Xmas presents. I also say this because your primary concern seems to be having unfettered access to your friend NOT the fact that your friend may relapse (or likely already has) because of his new gf.