New girlfriend is blocking access to my best friend

[Anonymous]

Don’t become a stalker op it’s not a good look

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is life. My ex husband and I were extremely good friends, which was great for our child. But, he is now married and she feels threatened by me. I have to respect that. It is sad that we have lost that part of our relationship, but that was the risk. We still coparent as beautifully as possible, but we do not meet in person, talk on the phone or text other than when actually time-sensitive (often months go by). Step aside.

And as the mother of his child, you have far more right to him than OP does to her friend. So OP, notice what this PP did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

[Anonymous]

She saw texts in which you told him to get rid of her, right? And now she is giving him the “it’s her or me” ultimatum? You are going to lose that. You might get him back as a friend if they break up, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. And fwiw, your need for that level of attention (multiple calls a day) from an ex is a little pathetic. And I say that as someone who is happily married, and friends with some exes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

This. Why is she reading his texts? It's not as if OP told her what she thinks, she told her friend. If this were another woman and the OP was concerned that her sober female BFF was suddenly dating a party animal, nobody on here would be giving OP a ration of crap over it.

I'd say the same thing. You can tell your friend that you don't like the path they're going down and you're concerned that the person they're dating isn't good for them, but at the end of the day it's THEIR choice what they decide to do. If OP's friend cuts her off, that's his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

OP here. He has been to rehab 4 times. It’s a big issue for him.

[Anonymous]

OP, I had a good guy friend like this except we never dated (he wanted to though). When he met his now-wife she decided communicating with the me was bad for him because he still had a thing for me. I still miss him at times but so have respected their wishes (and is is them, not her, if he agrees to it.). I have never reached out again and it has been more than a dozen years since we have even texted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

OP here. He has been to rehab 4 times. It’s a big issue for him.

Have you been to Al-Anon at all, OP? If not, why? Having an addict in your life who is supposedly so close to you is a tricky thing to navigate. You need to go and learn what you can (and most importantly what you CAN'T do) when it comes to addicts. That may help you realize that you cannot control your friend and what he chooses to do, including cutting you off in favor of his girlfriend. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, but maybe it'll help you come to terms with it. Your relationship with him seems a bit unhealthy, like you want him or need him to need you, and that's not good for him (or you). I would suggest getting some outside perspective (not from your husband or from someone you know) into this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

Sigh. Do you hear yourself? OP, you, others always want to blame the new girlfriend. for things being different as if the guy has zero agency. If he's not talking to you or not seeing you it's because he doesn't want to. And yes somethings do change when people are in relationships. Thi is hard for a certain subset of women to understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

OP here. He has been to rehab 4 times. It’s a big issue for him.

His life his choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I had a good guy friend like this except we never dated (he wanted to though). When he met his now-wife she decided communicating with the me was bad for him because he still had a thing for me. I still miss him at times but so have respected their wishes (and is is them, not her, if he agrees to it.). I have never reached out again and it has been more than a dozen years since we have even texted.

At least you understand that much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s sounds like he’s still vulnerable and she is not a good fit for him but ultimately it is his decision how he handles this; it’s not up to you, no matter how unwilling you are to break contact.

The comment about being more attractive rubbed be the wrong way; there is an air of possessiveness in your posts. This guy needs to be able to stand on his own two feet. But I agree with you that she might be a threat to his sobriety. Ultimately it’s up to him; he’s not a child.

If that was the reason for encouraging him to break up with her I can understand it.

Op he has to manage his own relationships, and his sobriety is his responsibility. Did he go to AA, does he have a sponsor?

OP here. He was in outpatient rehab when he met her and dropped out of the program before completion. She also uses illegal substances recreationally. That’s why I think she’s a bad influence. But I’ll stay out of it. Just hoping this doesn’t cause him to undo all of the progress he has made.

I don't think you're incorrect to tell your friend that this woman isn't good for his recovery. It also doesn't seem like he cares that much about his recovery, since he is still struggling with addiction. You say you're married and that this relationship was over a long time ago and he went to rehab when you broke up, but now he was also in outpatient rehab 2 months ago, where he met this woman. How many times has he been to rehab? IS he sober right now? It's usually one of the rules of rehab that you don't date each other, during the program or after it. It is actually a reason people get KICKED OUT of programs like this. Are you sure that's not what happened?

All that aside, your relationship with this is not appropriate. It's clearly very possessive. Admit that and figure out how to set boundaries for yourself.

OP here. He has been to rehab 4 times. It’s a big issue for him.

Have you been to Al-Anon at all, OP? If not, why? Having an addict in your life who is supposedly so close to you is a tricky thing to navigate. You need to go and learn what you can (and most importantly what you CAN'T do) when it comes to addicts. That may help you realize that you cannot control your friend and what he chooses to do, including cutting you off in favor of his girlfriend. That doesn't mean it won't hurt, but maybe it'll help you come to terms with it. Your relationship with him seems a bit unhealthy, like you want him or need him to need you, and that's not good for him (or you). I would suggest getting some outside perspective (not from your husband or from someone you know) into this situation.

100%, but it's not what OP wants to hear

[Anonymous]

She is right. You are a bad influence, and she saw that in his text messages. Now you are still trying to control him. Sorry, sweetheart, it's you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

Sigh. Do you hear yourself? OP, you, others always want to blame the new girlfriend. for things being different as if the guy has zero agency. If he's not talking to you or not seeing you it's because he doesn't want to. And yes somethings do change when people are in relationships. Thi is hard for a certain subset of women to understand

Again, not OP.

I don't "want to blame the new girlfriend". I said if she's uncomfortable with their friendship dynamic then she shouldnt date him. There are millions of men without a female best friend. But she picks one with a female friend and then asks him to cut her off (I dont agree with OP telling him to cut her our or how much hotter she is either, to be clear). It just doesnt make sense. I refer you back to my cat comment again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont understand why women who dont like women best friends, date men with women best friends. Like if youre allergic to cats, dont date someone with cats and then expect them to euthanize them for you.

It's inappropriate for her to try and control his friendships. She sounds insecure and obnoxious.

OP, give it up. You are in the wrong.

I'm not OP. Just someone who doesnt agree with new partners trying to change the person they choose to date.

Sigh. Do you hear yourself? OP, you, others always want to blame the new girlfriend. for things being different as if the guy has zero agency. If he's not talking to you or not seeing you it's because he doesn't want to. And yes somethings do change when people are in relationships. Thi is hard for a certain subset of women to understand

Again, not OP.

I don't "want to blame the new girlfriend". I said if she's uncomfortable with their friendship dynamic then she shouldnt date him. There are millions of men without a female best friend. But she picks one with a female friend and then asks him to cut her off (I dont agree with OP telling him to cut her our or how much hotter she is either, to be clear). It just doesnt make sense. I refer you back to my cat comment again.

I'll also add that with OPs additional details about dropping out of rehab, etc, she should let him go. And yes all of this is his choice. It's still hard to see a friend flushing their life down the drain, but that is par for the course for addicts unfortunately.