New girlfriend is blocking access to my best friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

It isn't up to you!!! It shouldn't be up to the girlfriend, but your friend has to make that decision for himself.

FWIW, your attractiveness really has nothing to do with it. It is about her insecurity. And his, if he thinks that this is what he's supposed to do.

OP here. He wants to stay in contact with me. He’s worried that if he breaks up with her, he will have lost his emotional support network. I’ve been his emergency contact for years, and I’ve helped him out a lot. He attended my family’s Christmas and we bought him a lot of gifts. So this just doesn’t seem fair to me.

It’s a little weird that you want to keep him in this state of dependency on you.

I noticed this too. Selfish and weird.

[Anonymous]

Focus on your marriage and let your friend sort out his own relationship. You sound thirsty.

[Anonymous]

Why would a “best friend” want to squash the chances of love for someone they apparently love?

I have had many wonderful friends through my (many) years, and I’d have any of them back in a moment if they ever needed me, even though it may have been years and years since we have had contact. Life is so fluid. Would you really not be there for him if they break up in a year?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would a “best friend” want to squash the chances of love for someone they apparently love?

I have had many wonderful friends through my (many) years, and I’d have any of them back in a moment if they ever needed me, even though it may have been years and years since we have had contact. Life is so fluid. Would you really not be there for him if they break up in a year?

This!

Also “we bought him lots of presents this doesn’t seem fair” wtf

You don’t own him or have a claim to him. He’s leaning on you bc you’re a crutch. When the right, perfect woman comes along, your relationship will shrink dramatically and he will distance himself from you. So either you need to make peace w that, or admit to yourself that you like that he’s unhappy bc he stays dependent on you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a big issue. My once-boyfriend but now longtime best friend is dating someone new. He and I had dated for 2 years, but broke up over his drug use and mood swings (he went to rehab after we broke up). We’ve been best friends over the past several years, and generally talk multiple times a day. I’m married and my spouse is fine with this.

My friend started dating a new woman 2 months ago who determined that I am a threat, and accused him of planning on cheating on her with me. Apparently there was some drama surrounding hanging out with her ex-boyfriend as well. She and I are completely different. She does recreational drugs, parties, goes to concerts/music festivals, while I don’t drink, use drugs, or party. There’s no way either my friend or I would cheat.

Apparently she went through his text messages (there were texts I sent to him telling him to break up with her because she is a bad influence), and is claiming she will break up with him if he talks to me again. Apparently they have been having fights relating to trust (yet they’ve only been dating for 2 months).

We also work on a side activity together, which we’ve worked together on for years. His sudden departure from our team left me with challenges for overseeing that activity. I know he was really proud to be involved (was showing her our successes on an early date).

FWIW, I’m way more attractive than she is and have known him for years so I guess she sees me as a threat. But I want my best friend back and am not willing to go no contact with him. Advice?

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your friend's girlfriend is very toxic and hopefully he will figure that out and move on from her.

But it also sounds like you have an unhealthy attachment to him - like you are keeping him in your back pocket as a spare.

You glossed over your husband's feelings about this friendship. Is he really okay with it? Does he maybe not mind it because your exBF gives you all the emotional connection and attention you need and that lets him off the hook?

Whatever the case, you should no expect this level of connection with your exBF to last forever. Many very healthy women would not be okay with it if they got together with him - they want that attention and energy going to their relationship, not your friendship - even if they are prettier than you and not insecure about cheating potential.

It's really probably time for you to make some space and let the apron strings loose a little. You don't need to mother him forever and he'll never be truly sober if he's leaning so much on you.

[Anonymous]

This is life. My ex husband and I were extremely good friends, which was great for our child. But, he is now married and she feels threatened by me. I have to respect that. It is sad that we have lost that part of our relationship, but that was the risk. We still coparent as beautifully as possible, but we do not meet in person, talk on the phone or text other than when actually time-sensitive (often months go by). Step aside.

[Anonymous]

OP sounds like she's got some codependency and/or mothering thing going on with the ex-boyfriend. If I were her spouse, I'd be concerned that I've married a person with such an unhealthy relationship in their life.

[Anonymous]

OMG How old are you? Let it go. Quit butting into his life and hers.

[Anonymous]

My quote messed up. But he's not talking to you because he doesn't want to . she's not keeping him from anything.

Your ex is an addict who is definitely using again. That's the choice he is making.

He was never doing better he was just dependent on you. You seem to like that dependency.

Frankly, if he has any hope of truly getting better he needs to be away from you and his current girlfriend.

Her looks and your looks have nothing to do with anything, but it perfectly demonstrates your toxicity.

[Anonymous]

I will also note that we have only OP's description of this other woman, and OP doesn't precisely seem to be inclined to describe her accurately.

OP's codependent and invasive relationship with her ex would create trust issues for anyone that is trying to be with the ex.

[Anonymous]

I would too. You sound like you are trying to control HIS life.

[Anonymous]

Bigger issue is that he's in recovery and she's a partier (drugs/alcohol regularly). If he wants to remain on the sober road, he needs a partner who is - at most - only an occasional drinker (i.e., has a glass of champagne at a wedding or special dinner).

She sounds very young and immature. Is there a big age gap? By what you've said I'm guessing she is mid 20s and your friend is in his 30s.

[Anonymous]

How would he lose his emotional support network by breaking up with a girlfriend of 2 months?

Especially given it sounds like you are more his emotional support network than she is.

She sounds like a mess but at this point he has chosen to be with her. You have to let him take the lead on how much contact he has with you

[Anonymous]

LOLOLOL you're fighting over a junkie's attention.

You text him multiple times a day, think you're hotter than his new girlfriend, tell him to break up with her, and are shocked, SHOCKED that she doesn't want you in his pocket? You're all very immature but it's at least entertaining to read about.