"How are you?" How do you respond when "fine" is a lie?

[Anonymous]

Say “let’s grab a coffee or lunch this week so I can catch you up”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say “let’s grab a coffee or lunch this week so I can catch you up”

This, but I'd also feel out the OTHER PERSON to see how things are with them before I make plans to dump a lot of heavy info on them. It's important to ask how they are and to read the vibe. Maybe THEY have a lot going on to so it's not a time to overburden them. Relationships should be reciprocal and courteous. Professional help exists for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Been better. It’s a long story.

[Anonymous]

OP, besides feeling almost acrimonious or contentious at parties with people you see infrequently, have you addressed your need for support in other ways? If you work an EAP can be a great source of resources. If not, check insurance for therapists, sometimes a psychiatrist can be of help, SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds and the like can be of great help short term and can give things like CBT, DBT or trauma therapy time to have an impact on emotional regulation and skills.

I'm sorry things are hard and hope they get easier soon.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends, because it is a fine line. I have no issue with someone stating a general problem/source of sorrow in their life (e.g., "A little blue, we just found out my dad has cancer."). But, I don't want to get immersed in someone's personal drama at a party (e.g., "Awful, Stepmom is being horrible about the custody schedule and I'm going to have to be all alone on Christmas next year."). A good rule of thumb is that if I wouldn't say it to my boss, I wouldn't bring it up casually during a party either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to people at a social gathering who ask "how are you?" Or "how have you been?" when the answer is "not great and I wouldn't mind taking about it but I also understand that you don't necessarily want a list of grievances at this party."

These are people who are more than acquaintances but not the closest friends mainly because we don't get to see each other that often.

”I’m here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends, because it is a fine line. I have no issue with someone stating a general problem/source of sorrow in their life (e.g., "A little blue, we just found out my dad has cancer."). But, I don't want to get immersed in someone's personal drama at a party (e.g., "Awful, Stepmom is being horrible about the custody schedule and I'm going to have to be all alone on Christmas next year."). A good rule of thumb is that if I wouldn't say it to my boss, I wouldn't bring it up casually during a party either.

This is a good rule, time, place and read the room.

OP, the above is important not only to be respectful of the limits of friends and courteous re: the hospitality of the host, it's also about setting yourself up to be likely to get the support you need and are seeking. Also seek professional support as needed, you deserve it. Hope things get better very soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, besides feeling almost acrimonious or contentious at parties with people you see infrequently, have you addressed your need for support in other ways? If you work an EAP can be a great source of resources. If not, check insurance for therapists, sometimes a psychiatrist can be of help, SSRIs, anti-anxiety meds and the like can be of great help short term and can give things like CBT, DBT or trauma therapy time to have an impact on emotional regulation and skills.

I'm sorry things are hard and hope they get easier soon.

No acrimony or contentiousness at all. Not sure where you got that but apologies if I left a misimpression.

I think therapy could be good for everyone, so I'll look into that. I don't think it's a medication situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Good thanks, how are you?" because a party is not the time or place to bring the mood down.

This. It's a party. I don't want to bring anyone down and it's a good distraction.

[Anonymous]

Wishing you all the best and peace, OP. CBT and DBT can be really useful in learning new skills to cope with difficult times, more so than talk therapy, for me, anyway. Hope things take a turn for the better for you and yours very soon!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I'm fine but a good response is "I've seen better days" or "I'm hanging in there."

I knew someone who always said things like that and it came across as such a passive-aggressive cryptic attention grab. It always turned me off from asking further. Whereas if someone was leaving a party and said "hey can we get together next week for a walk?" I'd say of course and listen to them for hours.

I think it's a totally fine answer and better than, sh&tty I lost another baby last week.

I’d rather they just say I lost a baby last week. At least they’re being honest. Or say I’m not doing well I’ll give you a call tomorrow to talk about it, for now let’s have fun!

The whole I’m not great, my life sux, but I won’t tell you why or ask for help is most miserable because you don’t know how to respond and it also kills the mood all night.

The part you say also kills the mood. "I'm not doing well, I'll give you a call.." Then I am wondering what is wrong and I may ask. At a party, I keep it light. If we aren't close, I keep it light. If we are close, I am careful because everyone has things on their plate. I give info "I am managing, but Greg's not adjusting well to chemo so just taking it day by day." I save the deep dark stuff for therapy and support groups.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say “let’s grab a coffee or lunch this week so I can catch you up”

I would not want to be invited to a get-together with the purpose of hearing someone complain.

If someone says, "Things have been better but I'm hanging in there, " I have the choice between saying "Sometimes it's all we can do, right?" and moving along, or saying "Yikes, do you want to talk about it?"

If someone says, "Let's get coffee so I can tell you how awful my life is," I have to choose between devoting free time to what may be a vent session or looking like an AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Say “let’s grab a coffee or lunch this week so I can catch you up”

I would not want to be invited to a get-together with the purpose of hearing someone complain.

If someone says, "Things have been better but I'm hanging in there, " I have the choice between saying "Sometimes it's all we can do, right?" and moving along, or saying "Yikes, do you want to talk about it?"

If someone says, "Let's get coffee so I can tell you how awful my life is," I have to choose between devoting free time to what may be a vent session or looking like an AH.

This.

Everyone has stuff they are dealing with and working parents have little free time to start with. I try to keep the really intense stuff for support groups and therapy and keep social connections lighter out of respect for other people having their own challenges. Socializing can be a bright spot and distraction. I've found dragging others down did not help me feel better, they were not trained to really help and some people started avoiding me.

[Anonymous]

A perfectly truthful answer that is in the spirit of the script, is "I'm so glad Suzie had this party so we can all get together" or "It's great to see you. How about you?" "I'll be honest, the fact that it's finally spring is doing wonders." You can also as the person initiating the conversation say "it's great to see you!" as a greeting.