"How are you?" How do you respond when "fine" is a lie?

[Anonymous]

I'm ok.

[Anonymous]

"I'm hanging in there."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No one really cares when they ask you these questions, OP. Just respond "fine" and move on to your therapy appointment.

+1 or a close friend, not a generic acquaintance in a social situation. I agree with PP who said implying distress comes across as a passive-aggressive attention grab. Anyone nice will feel obligated to engage, and that is neither the time nor place.

[Anonymous]

Not great, Bob!

[Anonymous]

A social gathering is not the place to be have a pity party. Be pleasant for a two hours, then go home and cry or call a friend if you need to. If you can’t keep it together for two hours, decline the invite. I’ve BTDT OP, hand in there and hope things get better.

[Anonymous]

"Hanging in there"

"Oh you know, it could be worse"

[Anonymous]

I think it depends whether you want to talk about what’s going on in your life with them or not. if you don’t wanna tell them the issues you’re having just say something general, like - I’m hanging in there - how are things with you?

[Anonymous]

I am a caring person who would want to know. If you’re talking to me, please be honest about how you feel.

[Anonymous]

"surviving"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A social gathering is not the place to be have a pity party. Be pleasant for a two hours, then go home and cry or call a friend if you need to. If you can’t keep it together for two hours, decline the invite. I’ve BTDT OP, hand in there and hope things get better.

Y'all are strange. A social gathering is exactly the place to catch up with friends, including talking about what's been happening with you. What do you think social gatherings are for?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The horrors persist but so do I."

Joking. I usually just say fine. If the person is someone who genuinely cares, they will already know because I have told them outside of a party scenario.

This.

I'm sorry things are hard, OP.

I have learned through experience to pay attention to time and PLACE re: getting genuine vulnerable connection and to pay attention to closeness and what others may have going on as well.

Sometimes, socializing can be a welcome respite. If going through the motions of social conventions feels like an added burden, most can be declined.

Hang in there, hope things are better soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a caring person who would want to know. If you’re talking to me, please be honest about how you feel.

Nothing as annoying and invasive as the "caring person."

"I'm fine" does the job. It's no one else's business and I also know they don't want to know either. That's just the reality of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These posts are making me so much sadder than it would make me to hear an honest response at a party.

OP, I hear you and I care! How can I be helpful? What happened? I’m here to listen!

Thank you, that's really nice. Fortunately my mental health is is decent shape so I won't be triggered by the rude responses on this thread. It does make me sad, too, though, that people would be irresponsible and unkind enough to push someone when they're already down rather than just rolling their eyes and moving on without comment. Can you imagine telling someone who could be fragile that "no one cares about you"?

Anyway, my stuff is not terribly unique, just happening all at once and feeling like a lot in the last two months. I started to write it out but deleted it.

I typically hold my cards close to my chest, smile and move on but it feels like it would be too insincere at this moment to say "fine! How are you?"

OP, hope things get better soon.

I used to trauma dump and stopped getting invited to a lot of things when going through a particularly difficult divorce. Social occasions are meant to be LIGHT socializing. Not soul baring or upsetting to others. Close friends, family and therapists are more appropriate recipients of more heavy topics and a party situation is not the place to overshare. The light socializing is meant to be mutual, that is why social conventions exist, to guide things in an expected way.

When I was treated for adult ADD my executive function coach talked about the tendency to overshare and underinvest in reciprocal relationships in women with ADD. I've burned fewer social bridges since.

I hope your season of difficulty improves soon. I also found various types of support groups, whether for divorce or grief over a parent, or challenges with a SN child really valuable. It allowed me to let casual acquaintances be just that.

[Anonymous]

When I was going through a divorce i often just didn’t have it in me to say “great how are you?” and started being a little more open/honest/vulnerable in response to that question. I wasn’t doing any inappropriate over sharing like “well I just learned he’s been lying and hiding money overseas for years!” but I would say eg “honestly I’m a little overwhelmed/sad!” I know it’s not the expected script but I just didn’t have it in me to care. Honestly a lot of women would then open up and be vulnerable about their own struggles. Like oh if we’re actually being honest with each other instead of just following the script, then I have some stuff I need to get off my chest too. I felt like it actually deepened my friendships with a lot of women who were previously just neighborhood acquaintances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Good thanks, how are you?" because a party is not the time or place to bring the mood down.

This. If not in the mood for light socializing, it's fine to decline. It's not ok to make an acquaintance into an unpaid therapist and mar what they may have needed as a break from their own woes. It's also rude to the host. Everyone has challenges and difficulties. There are times and ways to share appropriately, with one's inner circle, not just people who happen to walk near you.

OP, do you have a therapist? I found a therapy group to be especially valuable, rather than one on one. It felt supportive and broadened my perspective to understand everyone has challenges and hard times.