"How are you?" How do you respond when "fine" is a lie?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Good thanks, how are you?" because a party is not the time or place to bring the mood down.

This. If not in the mood for light socializing, it's fine to decline. It's not ok to make an acquaintance into an unpaid therapist and mar what they may have needed as a break from their own woes. It's also rude to the host. Everyone has challenges and difficulties. There are times and ways to share appropriately, with one's inner circle, not just people who happen to walk near you.

OP, do you have a therapist? I found a therapy group to be especially valuable, rather than one on one. It felt supportive and broadened my perspective to understand everyone has challenges and hard times.

How did you find your therapy group?

Asking around, an acquaintance was in a mens support group with same psychologist, and she ran womens groups too. Got on the waitlist and when a new one started, was in. I know there are groups for sex assault survivors and domestic violence victims and grief support groups run by non-profits for those in or processing those experiences. Some may come up in Google or on Psychology Today. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."

I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately. Like, it is rude to say 'no I am not at all interested and will never reach out to coffee'. If you feel the need to say something like this, then I feel it is on you to then 'say the next thing' that takes the pressure off the other person. Because in my head I now HAVE to ask what's up. You need to take on a question here. If I could suggest I think something like 'it has been a lot lately but way too much to talk about here! how about you, did Susie do alright in her game on Sunday?'

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."

I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately. Like, it is rude to say 'no I am not at all interested and will never reach out to coffee'. If you feel the need to say something like this, then I feel it is on you to then 'say the next thing' that takes the pressure off the other person. Because in my head I now HAVE to ask what's up. You need to take on a question here. If I could suggest I think something like 'it has been a lot lately but way too much to talk about here! how about you, did Susie do alright in her game on Sunday?'

Good point, but then would you feel bad and unheard if I went on about Susie's soccer success?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."

I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately. Like, it is rude to say 'no I am not at all interested and will never reach out to coffee'. If you feel the need to say something like this, then I feel it is on you to then 'say the next thing' that takes the pressure off the other person. Because in my head I now HAVE to ask what's up. You need to take on a question here. If I could suggest I think something like 'it has been a lot lately but way too much to talk about here! how about you, did Susie do alright in her game on Sunday?'

Good point, but then would you feel bad and unheard if I went on about Susie's soccer success?

No then I could take the out but in a normal way "oh she did great! sorry things have been stressful, we should catch dinner sometime" (this if I know you and care). "oh she did great! sorry things have been stressful. did you see the eclipse last week?" (this allows me to acknowledge but easily pivot to a neutral universal topic of discussion if I do not know you well or do not have the emotional capacity to take on someone else's crap I'm too stressed with my own crap or...any other reason)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I'm fine but a good response is "I've seen better days" or "I'm hanging in there."

This! It communicates more honestly and opens the door to conversation - but a party mau not always be the place.

This is what I say. I don't like to lie.

[Anonymous]

I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."


I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately.

OP described these people as more than acquaintances, even though they don't hang out that often. So how does this response tie in to OP's question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I'm fine but a good response is "I've seen better days" or "I'm hanging in there."

I knew someone who always said things like that and it came across as such a passive-aggressive cryptic attention grab. It always turned me off from asking further. Whereas if someone was leaving a party and said "hey can we get together next week for a walk?" I'd say of course and listen to them for hours.

I think it's a totally fine answer and better than, sh&tty I lost another baby last week.

I’d rather they just say I lost a baby last week. At least they’re being honest. Or say I’m not doing well I’ll give you a call tomorrow to talk about it, for now let’s have fun!

The whole I’m not great, my life sux, but I won’t tell you why or ask for help is most miserable because you don’t know how to respond and it also kills the mood all night.

Agree the bolded would be totally fine to say at a party.

This. Don't be mysterious or bring the mood down, but don't be deceptive either, and don't miss the chance to set up coffee or a chat another day. That's what parties are for - reconnecting with people.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to lie, but I also wouldn't get into detail - save that for another time. There are a number of people (friends but not super close ones) for whom I would be happy to talk about personal problems issues at a coffee or on a walk, but it's generally not something I want to do in the atmosphere of a party.

[Anonymous]

“Hangin in there “ is a good answer all the time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I'm fine but a good response is "I've seen better days" or "I'm hanging in there."

I knew someone who always said things like that and it came across as such a passive-aggressive cryptic attention grab. It always turned me off from asking further. Whereas if someone was leaving a party and said "hey can we get together next week for a walk?" I'd say of course and listen to them for hours.

I think it's a totally fine answer and better than, sh&tty I lost another baby last week.

I’d rather they just say I lost a baby last week. At least they’re being honest. Or say I’m not doing well I’ll give you a call tomorrow to talk about it, for now let’s have fun!

The whole I’m not great, my life sux, but I won’t tell you why or ask for help is most miserable because you don’t know how to respond and it also kills the mood all night.

Agree the bolded would be totally fine to say at a party.

Np I would never say or do this to anyone but good friends. Just lie op. No one really cares except family and good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."


I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately.

OP described these people as more than acquaintances, even though they don't hang out that often. So how does this response tie in to OP's question?

DP. OP described these people as friends that she doesn't see often - so it seems to me that the party would be perfect time to catch her friends up and have a long conversation with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."

I know this is unhelpful but if someone I did not know said this to me I would be absolutely paralyzed with not knowing how to respond appropriately. Like, it is rude to say 'no I am not at all interested and will never reach out to coffee'. If you feel the need to say something like this, then I feel it is on you to then 'say the next thing' that takes the pressure off the other person. Because in my head I now HAVE to ask what's up. You need to take on a question here. If I could suggest I think something like 'it has been a lot lately but way too much to talk about here! how about you, did Susie do alright in her game on Sunday?'

Good point, but then would you feel bad and unheard if I went on about Susie's soccer success?

Perhaps when not up for light social occasions it is ok to skip? One other factor is we never know what others are dealing with. So someone with say a job loss or dying parent may go to a light party for a respite and have someone trauma dump on them. It's not an appropriate forum. To seek help from close friends, do it elsewhere, on the phone, etc. It presupposes that your difficult time and need for therapy level support from acquaintances is more important than anyone else's problems or need for lighthearted socializing. When I went through a difficult time and trauma dumped, I stopped getting invitations. Natural consequences but did not feel great at the time. Time and place matter and sometimes trained help is needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I say I'm fine but a good response is "I've seen better days" or "I'm hanging in there."

I knew someone who always said things like that and it came across as such a passive-aggressive cryptic attention grab. It always turned me off from asking further. Whereas if someone was leaving a party and said "hey can we get together next week for a walk?" I'd say of course and listen to them for hours.

I think it's a totally fine answer and better than, sh&tty I lost another baby last week.

I’d rather they just say I lost a baby last week. At least they’re being honest. Or say I’m not doing well I’ll give you a call tomorrow to talk about it, for now let’s have fun!

The whole I’m not great, my life sux, but I won’t tell you why or ask for help is most miserable because you don’t know how to respond and it also kills the mood all night.

Agree the bolded would be totally fine to say at a party.

Np I would never say or do this to anyone but good friends. Just lie op. No one really cares except family and good friends.

If you can't socialize appropriately, stay home. It's not a therapy session or time to play head games with others. Social conventions for parties exist. More intense topics should be addressed elsewhere, if you don't see them often, make a plan or use the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no one cares to hear your woes op. not even us here on DCUM

why exactly are you here?