"How are you?" How do you respond when "fine" is a lie?

[Anonymous]

"Hanging in there!" is fine. It gives an opening for people who want to ask if everything's ok (and then you can either give a very brief statement like "the divorce will be final in a few days" or say you'll call them later), but it's not a dramatic enough statement for them to feel obligated to ask.

[Anonymous]

Well I would never want to imply 'I might want to talk about it but don't want to force it if you don't have the bandwidth' frankly. But when I am feeling overwhelmed and someone asks this I give kind of a self deprecating 'ugh, surviving! how are you?' with a smile.

[Anonymous]

OP I am sorry things are tough right now. Sending a hug.

[Anonymous]

Usually I say fine, or hanging in there. Things are pretty bad if I use hanging in there.

[Anonymous]

It's a greeting, not a question. Save it for a more private meet-up- not a party.

[Anonymous]

These responses are really surprising to me. I would absolutely want to hear the true response. I’d feel so sad to know you were suffering through something and I could’ve lent you an ear or a hug but that you felt the need to fib and feign you’re fine. I ask because I care, not because we are supposed to have some fake small talk tango. If I hadn’t met you before that would be odd, but otherwise I appreciate candor and honesty and am shocked others prefer/expect surface lies.

Separately, I’m sorry for whatever is bringing you down, OP, and hope things resolve for you in some way.

[Anonymous]

I've come to realize that "How are you" doesn't actually mean how are you, it means what are the chances of us being friends?
I've been better/hanging in there=I'm too literal/am down on my luck
Fine=not interested
Okay/alright=I wouldn't mind being acquaintances or chatting for 5 minutes
pretty good=I like you okay
Good/great means you're hot/I like you/let's get to know each other/haven't seen you in a while

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you respond to people at a social gathering who ask "how are you?" Or "how have you been?" when the answer is "not great and I wouldn't mind taking about it but I also understand that you don't necessarily want a list of grievances at this party."

These are people who are more than acquaintances but not the closest friends mainly because we don't get to see each other that often.

By and large when asked "How are you" it's just a rhetorical question. You could say "Not well. Sit down as it may take me an hour to tell you all about what's going on.". I suspect this will guarantee that no one will ever ask you this question again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Good thanks, how are you?" because a party is not the time or place to bring the mood down.

This. If not in the mood for light socializing, it's fine to decline. It's not ok to make an acquaintance into an unpaid therapist and mar what they may have needed as a break from their own woes. It's also rude to the host. Everyone has challenges and difficulties. There are times and ways to share appropriately, with one's inner circle, not just people who happen to walk near you.

OP, do you have a therapist? I found a therapy group to be especially valuable, rather than one on one. It felt supportive and broadened my perspective to understand everyone has challenges and hard times.

How did you find your therapy group?

[Anonymous]

This reminds me of the "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" podcast: https://ttfa.org

[Anonymous]

I think it depends. If it is something specific and not overly personal (e.g., hanging in there, but sad that our cat passed away), I think it is fine to say it. If it is personal or elaborate, I think the correct response is "hanging on there, how about you?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These responses are really surprising to me. I would absolutely want to hear the true response. I’d feel so sad to know you were suffering through something and I could’ve lent you an ear or a hug but that you felt the need to fib and feign you’re fine. I ask because I care, not because we are supposed to have some fake small talk tango. If I hadn’t met you before that would be odd, but otherwise I appreciate candor and honesty and am shocked others prefer/expect surface lies.

Separately, I’m sorry for whatever is bringing you down, OP, and hope things resolve for you in some way.

Op here. Thank you so much. I've been thinking about it from the askers perspective, too. I want to know when my friends are hurting for the same reasons.

It's so interesting to think about how some people share so much and others not so much and how that impacts how close people feel to them. I suppose I'm an introvert and tend to not share very much, but I think that means people know me less and thus don't get as much support as friends who do talk about their challenges more.

I have a close friend who is similar to me and a year ago we were at a dinner party and heard so much about one friend's sprained toe while my friend sat silent about her new cancer diagnosis. I've had a sprained toe myself and understand that they are a bigger pain than you'd think they would be. But still in the big scheme of things they're typically a smaller deal than cancer. I asked my friend afterwards why she didn't mention it and she said felt like it would have been one-upping the toe friend. She didn't want to shut down conversation.

Overall it's probably much easier to talk toes than cancer, but the other friends in the group also said later they would have wanted to be of more support to the friend with cancer but they just didn't know.

If we all saw each other every week it would be easier, but gatherings are so few and far between we end up talking more about superficial things.

[Anonymous]

If I don't want to talk about it, "Excellent!" Every single time. I learned it from a judge I clerked for. It creates a good feeling that reverberates and creates positivity. Those in his inner circle knew that wasn't always the case. But it didn't matter.

Now if you actually want to discuss it and it is appropriate, that is a different topic. That is basically, how do you communicate about your difficulties, not how do you respond to a rote question from which nobody expects a real answer.

[Anonymous]

Just smile and say “good.” Nobody wants to hear about heavy topics at a party!

[Anonymous]

I don't think a party is the forum to get into these issues, but you also don't have to lie. You can say, "things have been a bit difficult, if you are interested, let's get coffee sometime and catch up."