When successful men with demanding jobs (doctor, lawyer) divorce, what usually causes it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK why people marry career first people, men or women, and are surprised that they wind up living with someone who puts their career first. ??

A lot of people start dating and get married before the big career takes off.

Yes but type A, even in college they are doing rigorous course load, sports, extracurricular clubs, etc etc, same in jobs, trying to move from entry to next level. People don't become workaholics overnight.

Its often the case that spouses didn't anticipate that its fine being with such people as GF or BF but once conflicts of household and parental responsibilities rise, you've to be able to take on major share. That's why many intelligent and accomplished women end up becoming SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am well paid, in finance and still good looking/fit at 50. I get hit on a lot. So there is opportunity. There is also the impact of being the top of your field/company. You get treated differently. Then you come home and you are just a husband with normal wife/kid stresses. I had a few affairs in my 40s but realised that by leaving my wife I would just be moving from one similar situation to another and creating a lot of problems for my kids. Now I am a bit older I’m glad I didn’t leave her during that time. Now kids are older we are having fun again. She is more relaxed and I feel very lucky.

Gross

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:IDK why people marry career first people, men or women, and are surprised that they wind up living with someone who puts their career first. ??

A lot of people start dating and get married before the big career takes off.

They also lie.
They say they want kids, they say they’re looking forward to teaching or coaching their kids, taking them places. But when the time actually comes they don’t do it. They were all talk and an empty suit.

[Anonymous]

My ex is a physician in I guess what you would call a "prestigious"/demanding speciality (though he's not good and has been fired multiple times...unbeknownst to his family and friends). He's also a narcissistic sociopath who is a serial cheater and pathological liar. He's shallow and only possesses fake empathy. He's obsessed with outward appearances in all ways, so he works to maintain his fake attractive facade. It's all a gigantic lie. It works for a while, until the mask falls. He's good at finding women who are good narcissistic supply for him. Sadly, I was one of them, but I finally woke up from the fog of narcissistic abuse and got out. I'm wondering when his current gf is going to finally start seeing it. I wish I could have completely cut ties with him after the divorce, but unfortunately I can't because there are kids involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Like, specifically. Is it just that they aren't around enough? Is it job stress? Is it disconnect from spouse due to intensity of job (like your work is the biggest thing in your life, and your spouse isn't a part of it)?

I'm looking at these divorced men I know in their 50s, but then I know all these men in the same careers but younger (still married, young kids, seems fine from outside) and wondering how they go from one to the other. Divorce is common enough with these careers that there must be some commonalities, but I can't figure what.

Nagging, complaining and rude comments from their wife’s.

Thread closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like, specifically. Is it just that they aren't around enough? Is it job stress? Is it disconnect from spouse due to intensity of job (like your work is the biggest thing in your life, and your spouse isn't a part of it)?

I'm looking at these divorced men I know in their 50s, but then I know all these men in the same careers but younger (still married, young kids, seems fine from outside) and wondering how they go from one to the other. Divorce is common enough with these careers that there must be some commonalities, but I can't figure what.

Nagging, complaining and rude comments from their wife’s.

Thread closed.

PP, the way you write it sounds like you have about 3 brain cells. Not surprising.

[Anonymous]

I’m a doctor and you can expect to need to put your job first and bust your ads for at least another 7 years AFTER TRAINING to get to a point where you have any control over your time. You’re well into your 40s by that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am well paid, in finance and still good looking/fit at 50. I get hit on a lot. So there is opportunity. There is also the impact of being the top of your field/company. You get treated differently. Then you come home and you are just a husband with normal wife/kid stresses. I had a few affairs in my 40s but realised that by leaving my wife I would just be moving from one similar situation to another and creating a lot of problems for my kids. Now I am a bit older I’m glad I didn’t leave her during that time. Now kids are older we are having fun again. She is more relaxed and I feel very lucky.

Gross

Did your wife ever find out about your affairs? I can't condone the affairs but at least you had the sense to realize that leaving your wife wasn't going to fix anything for you and would harm your kids. At lot of people don't have the sense to realize that.

[Anonymous]

Married to a surgeon. This past (holiday) weekend was specifically scheduled as a family weekend with both of us and kids. DH got called in for emergency surgery both Saturday and Sunday all afternoon. Then when he returned he was so revved up he needed to decompress—wanted a drink, then we were out of sync bc DCs and I had already spent all afternoon waiting for him instead of doing what we had planned to do all together. Then when home he was continuously called by his team with questions and updates, and also decisions about whether to accept another case(s). We wound up cancelling those plans and eventually going out for dinner/doing other things.

Both times he got called in all I said was, “good luck with the case!” You can’t begrudge someone this career if you married it. It’s a service profession, other people come before you—even before your family.

[Anonymous]

I know 3.

1. She married him because of $ and status. He worked long hours to have that $ and status. But once she had the money and all the perks of his log work hours, she was bored. She wanted a fun husband who was home to do things with, not someone that worked long hours and was tired and stressed. She had the best of both worlds, left him and took a lot of his money and then met the fun husband with 1st husbands money to fund their lifestyle and fun.

2. He cheated with someone at work who was 20 years his junior and who acted like he was a God. He loved the hero worship and he wanted the young pretty woman on his arm so he left his first wife for the 25 year old.

3. The not atypical scenario where his job required long hours and stress but afforded them a great lifestyle. But he wasn't home that much and not too dialed into every day family life and she felt a bit held back and suffocated by all the home responsibilities. Neither really felt like they had a partner. One had one job - work a lot and make a lot of money and pay for everything and the other had the other job - look after everything to do with the house and kids. They both grew resentful and both felt unappreciated and eventually divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married to a surgeon. This past (holiday) weekend was specifically scheduled as a family weekend with both of us and kids. DH got called in for emergency surgery both Saturday and Sunday all afternoon. Then when he returned he was so revved up he needed to decompress—wanted a drink, then we were out of sync bc DCs and I had already spent all afternoon waiting for him instead of doing what we had planned to do all together. Then when home he was continuously called by his team with questions and updates, and also decisions about whether to accept another case(s). We wound up cancelling those plans and eventually going out for dinner/doing other things.

Both times he got called in all I said was, “good luck with the case!” You can’t begrudge someone this career if you married it. It’s a service profession, other people come before you—even before your family.

Maybe.

Or maybe the hospital team he's on is mis-managed and understaffed and take advantage of him. And thus he takes advantage of you. Unclear why you'd wait around for someone with an erratic work project.

Anyhow, the above (mismanaged, understaffed, take advantage) happens more in consulting, banking and law where nasty clients are involved and grown senior men can't manage their Inboxes or set boundaries, so operate in a constant triage work mode.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am well paid, in finance and still good looking/fit at 50. I get hit on a lot. So there is opportunity. There is also the impact of being the top of your field/company. You get treated differently. Then you come home and you are just a husband with normal wife/kid stresses. I had a few affairs in my 40s but realised that by leaving my wife I would just be moving from one similar situation to another and creating a lot of problems for my kids. Now I am a bit older I’m glad I didn’t leave her during that time. Now kids are older we are having fun again. She is more relaxed and I feel very lucky.

Damn. Does she know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am well paid, in finance and still good looking/fit at 50. I get hit on a lot. So there is opportunity. There is also the impact of being the top of your field/company. You get treated differently. Then you come home and you are just a husband with normal wife/kid stresses. I had a few affairs in my 40s but realised that by leaving my wife I would just be moving from one similar situation to another and creating a lot of problems for my kids. Now I am a bit older I’m glad I didn’t leave her during that time. Now kids are older we are having fun again. She is more relaxed and I feel very lucky.

Gross

+1000
The way he throws out the fact that he had "a few affairs" so nonchalantly is horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married to a surgeon. This past (holiday) weekend was specifically scheduled as a family weekend with both of us and kids. DH got called in for emergency surgery both Saturday and Sunday all afternoon. Then when he returned he was so revved up he needed to decompress—wanted a drink, then we were out of sync bc DCs and I had already spent all afternoon waiting for him instead of doing what we had planned to do all together. Then when home he was continuously called by his team with questions and updates, and also decisions about whether to accept another case(s). We wound up cancelling those plans and eventually going out for dinner/doing other things.

Both times he got called in all I said was, “good luck with the case!” You can’t begrudge someone this career if you married it. It’s a service profession, other people come before you—even before your family.

Maybe.

Or maybe the hospital team he's on is mis-managed and understaffed and take advantage of him. And thus he takes advantage of you. Unclear why you'd wait around for someone with an erratic work project.

Anyhow, the above (mismanaged, understaffed, take advantage) happens more in consulting, banking and law where nasty clients are involved and grown senior men can't manage their Inboxes or set boundaries, so operate in a constant triage work mode.

Nope. His team is superbly managed, by him. But some people are trainees and they are expected to call. This is the job. If you don’t like it don’t marry it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married to a surgeon. This past (holiday) weekend was specifically scheduled as a family weekend with both of us and kids. DH got called in for emergency surgery both Saturday and Sunday all afternoon. Then when he returned he was so revved up he needed to decompress—wanted a drink, then we were out of sync bc DCs and I had already spent all afternoon waiting for him instead of doing what we had planned to do all together. Then when home he was continuously called by his team with questions and updates, and also decisions about whether to accept another case(s). We wound up cancelling those plans and eventually going out for dinner/doing other things.

Both times he got called in all I said was, “good luck with the case!” You can’t begrudge someone this career if you married it. It’s a service profession, other people come before you—even before your family.

Maybe.

Or maybe the hospital team he's on is mis-managed and understaffed and take advantage of him. And thus he takes advantage of you. Unclear why you'd wait around for someone with an erratic work project.

Anyhow, the above (mismanaged, understaffed, take advantage) happens more in consulting, banking and law where nasty clients are involved and grown senior men can't manage their Inboxes or set boundaries, so operate in a constant triage work mode.

"Understaffed" is the reality of medicine these days. There's certainly a shortage in some areas. It's not about "taking advantage" of people. Surgeons are doing things hardly anyone else can do, and lives can be at stake. This has no comparison to the pressure of putting together a deck for a client.