Wife Using Pregnancy As An Excuse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far along is she?

I think i was a pretty chill pregnant lady but I had a very easy pregnancy and most women don’t.

Try to be more understanding.

OP here. She is 16 weeks.

16 weeks. She is being a total drama queen. You know and she knows every other woman not on bed rest is perfectly capable of doing all the "things" while pregnant. If she cancels on plans, then you go. Live your life - dont get sucked into this manipulation.

From about 7 - 16 weeks is the hardest part of pregnancy. Your ignorance is embarrassing.

Not for all women. And yes I was pregnant. Second trimester can be exhausting but my last trimester was the hardest.

Some women are princesses and sounds like yours is OP, but then again I am sure you knew that beforehand. Just make sure to get her a nanny, night nurse, chief, and housekeeper so she can manage it all. LOL.

What is wrong with all these things if you can afford it?

Don't you think it is a bit much? If OP's wife is exhausted or having pregnancy symptoms and it's impacting her work, go on FMLA--it is allowed, and also considered a disability now. She can get accommodations at work. Also, read a book called 'what to expect when you are expecting'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread and the one from the guy who claims to have a bad/lazy sahm ("sham") are from the same troll trying to rile people up about the idea of women being lazy and entitled around motherhood.

I was actually talking to my DH about the SAHM thread and we were discussing how it's interesting that at some point a narrative formed in the US that it is normal or expected that a woman would be able to care for multiple very young kids at home alone with no help (including no family, no community of fellow sahms sharing childcare duties, no assistance with housework, and no help from spouse) and that have even PT childcare care help or having a partner who contributed nights or weekends with childcare or housework made the job super easy. It's just an odd narrative because that's never been true in the history of mankind, and moms today are more isolated and get less "village" help from family and neighbors than they once did. Of course caring for young kids 24/7 is hard and a more than full time job by itself, and of course someone doing that job could also use childcare help and help with cooking and cleaning to be functional. Like it just seems self-evident but as a society we've invented this myth of the do-it-all-alone sahm.

And now this thread is the same idea but about pregnancy. Just ignoring everything we know about what pregnancy does to the boy, common symptoms of pregnancy, some obvious things about the toll that physically making a body will take on you. As recently as 30 years ago, we had the attitude that pregnant woman should not just take it easy but that it was irresposible for them not to. Companies used the difficult of pregnancy as pretext to fire pregnant women, a visibly pregnant woman exercising or performing even light labor would be chastised for risking the pregnancy. That was it's own form of misogyny (an excuse to control women an restrict what they could do in the name of protecting the baby) but it at least acknowledged the idea that pregnancy is not some effortless process that goes on in the background of a woman's operating system requiring no extra care or energy. Now people are like "of course you will work right up until your due date, continue to exercise, express no discomfort or tiredness, and require no support for mental health or the huge mental shift a first-time mom makes during this time." No need to give a pregnant woman a seat on the bus or cut a pregnant colleague some slack if she's exhausted in her first trimester. Pregnancy is nothing, a blip, and any woman who thinks otherwise is a manipulative drama queen.

It's just dehumanizing. We've gone from "hey women deserve the same rights and opportunities as men" to "women should do everything men do even while bearing and raising children because those things require no effort or special accommodation." It's just a different brand of misogyny, a worse one in my mind, because it simply erases everything women have always done with regards to bearing and raising kids and pretends it's not happening at all.

Can we please frame this comment. Everything this. I’m in health care and women are expected to work long hours in pregnancy and suck it up but the reality is that pregnancy is on a spectrum and for some woman can be very debilitating. We say we care about women’s health and the health of babies but to truly do this we need to treat pregnancy and post partum periods with empathy and accommodations, if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know I'm going to get flamed for this but I need to vent. My wife is pregnant with our first child and I feel like she uses it as an excuse to not do things and get things she wants. I understand that pregnancy is hard on the body and I'm trying to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible. That's it.

Such as?

Using being pregnant to say you need a new Birkin, for example, is ridiculous. Using it to say you need new sneakers because your old ones don't fit or aren't supportive is valid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far along is she?

I think i was a pretty chill pregnant lady but I had a very easy pregnancy and most women don’t.

Try to be more understanding.

OP here. She is 16 weeks.

Buckle up, buttercup

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 kids now, but with my first, I dropped out of my masters program, and never went back.

This is the most normal thing ever.

My husband will tell you. No one ever won a fight with a pregnant wife in the history of mankind. You won't be the first

Is that why you kept having kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps.

Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

She can go on short term disability if it is that debilitating. The ADA now includes pregnancy as a disability. Also, wouldn't her doctor put her on bed rest if she needed to be on it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 5 kids now, but with my first, I dropped out of my masters program, and never went back.

This is the most normal thing ever.

My husband will tell you. No one ever won a fight with a pregnant wife in the history of mankind. You won't be the first

Is that why you kept having kids?

Pp here

Of course! Being pregnant with a bunch of little kids is exactly the life trajectory of a lazy person who wants to use pregnancy as an excuse not to work!! Maybe I can do it a few more times and enjoy some real vacation ... at least until labor.

/s

(Real answer: my husband'sability to stay calm when i melt down is why our marriage has held together.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

how do you take a nap at work?

I had a coworker who got pregnant and was TOLD to take naps by her doctor and to stay home and telework. Her supervisor would call her hourly to make sure she was not napping.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

But her pregnancy isn’t yours, twins or not.

I had a great pregnancy and still felt awful at times. I’ve had friends with HG who needed hospitalization for meds/ dehydration. You don’t get to choose which you get, and it is truly a spectrum.

OPs spouse needs to get the support they need, and make sure there is nothing clinically wrong, but also get clinical help if they are unable to meet their usual activity needs. This should be be shamed any more that any other medical situation. It shouldn’t. On my way! To other women proclaiming they can be “better” at being pregnant than others, which is what I see so often. Back off, be supportive, help them get help if they need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.

These are all separate issues. Can you not separate them? Her physical
Needs are different than her emotional wants.

If you can’t sort that out, parenting is going to be super hard

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pregnancy does make women really tired and hormonal (overly emotional, hyper-focused on the pregnancy/baby to the exclusion of other things in life, moody, sensitive). It is only natural that she is “using pregnancy as an excuse” to get things she wants…it’s biological. She’s trying to take care of herself/this baby.

Sure, so take naps. Don't quit working at 16 WEEKS pregnant.

- woman who had twins and gets how exhausting pregnancy can be

NP. I worked out and actually was still walking miles a day at 42 weeks when I delivered. TONS of energy. I worked until 5pm and then headed to the hospital on my induction date.

Whereas I was exhausted and unable to function in my first trimester with the exhaustion. My point being that pregnancy hits different people differently. I didn't understand my own exhaustion in the beginning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How far along is she?

I think i was a pretty chill pregnant lady but I had a very easy pregnancy and most women don’t.

Try to be more understanding.

OP here. She is 16 weeks.

16 weeks. She is being a total drama queen. You know and she knows every other woman not on bed rest is perfectly capable of doing all the "things" while pregnant. If she cancels on plans, then you go. Live your life - dont get sucked into this manipulation.

You know nothing about pregnancy. At 16 weeks I was in and out of the hospital for fluids from vomiting that couldn't be managed with any of the 3 medications I was given. I wasn't on bed rest, but I certainly called in sick to work and bailed on plans. One day around that time we had tickets to the ballet and I tried to power through, I threw up twice on the car ride there and had to ask an usher to be moved to an aisle so I could excuse myself to the washroom without disrupting the other patrons. "drama queen" GMAFB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.

Pp with five kids here. You sound like a fine man. It's all normal but long term you don't want resentment either - especially with finances.

You make a good point about the communication issues. This is the REAL long term issue in your post.

Why don't you suggest a few sessions of pre baby counseling? She'll have to perform for the therapist and you guys will need a relationship with someone going forward. And it's super rare for a man to suggest counseling, you'd get tons of points for that!