Wife Using Pregnancy As An Excuse

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.



What is her job? If dangerous, maybe it’s best she quits early.

What do you mean best supplements? I thought all were the same.

What kind of nursery items did she buy? 8k seems steep for baby furniture.



OP here.

She’s a forensic scientist. She works in a lab, at crime scenes, and also goes to court.

No. Prenatal are not created equal. I’ve done extensive research and you folic acid is not good. You want a prenatal with folate or L-5-methyl-tetrahydrofolate. Most people have a MTHFR gene variant and can’t properly or at all break down folic acid to folate.

We like two different ones - Seeking Health Optimal Prenatal and the Full Wellness Prenatal. She also takes Seeking Health Vitamin D + K2, A DHA/EPA, and Iron supplement. She also drinks a magnesium supplement each night.

I cook very healthy and nutritious food. Lots of high quality meat, dairy, and healthy fats.

She bought pottery barn kids stuff. Crib, Dresser, chair, night stand, rug, and bookcase.


That is false. Folic acid is the only nutrient proven to prevent birth defects.

https://www.factcheck.org/2023/04/scicheck-taking-folic-acid-not-other-folates-is-recommended-to-reduce-risk-of-birth-defects/
Anonymous
Listen carefully to me OP. When I was pregnant I was so incredibly sick that I wanted to die. I was literally suicidal. It was the darkest moment in my life. But I wasn’t vomiting to the extent of an HG patient, so everyone, including my DH, thought I was just dramatic and manipulative. I would wish the kind of sickness I had on my worst enemy. I’m not saying this to flame you. I’m saying this in hopes that you can better understand.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Listen carefully to me OP. When I was pregnant I was so incredibly sick that I wanted to die. I was literally suicidal. It was the darkest moment in my life. But I wasn’t vomiting to the extent of an HG patient, so everyone, including my DH, thought I was just dramatic and manipulative. I would wish the kind of sickness I had on my worst enemy. I’m not saying this to flame you. I’m saying this in hopes that you can better understand.


Wouldn’t wish, I meant.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You're catastrophizing. You did not need to (and probably didn't) "keep making excuses," and nobody thought you looked like a jerk. I assure you. People don't care about you quite THAT much.

Why couldn't you just tell people your wife was home sick?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You need to discuss the spending. That's it. She should be responsible there and not be emotional about spending. But you will have a lot of things to buy for the baby. Look into buying some things secondhand.

You will spend a fortune on diapers and you're going to spend a lot on your children so you also just need to accept the new reality.

As for her feeling tired and not wanting to do things, I think you just need to accept this too. I was very sick during my first trimester, then felt great until the last month. I had back pain, trouble walking, and took my maternity leave two weeks earlier than planned. I didn't want any of this to happen to me! I was surprised by how much pregnancy affected me physically and how I could not control nause, fatigue, etc. It's real, it's not about excuses.


OP here. We will have a baby shower with over 100 people and will likely get a lot of things. Then we can see what we still need and buy it.

I don’t think we need 50 newborn sleepers and $8k worth of nursery furniture.

I don’t mind spending money. We have a good income. I just think we need to have more of a budget but then she accuses me of not being supportive and stealing the joy out of the pregnancy.


Have you actually researched what furniture is needed for a nursery? We did mostly used furniture and our nursery was very minimal, including the cheapest Ikea crib that fell apart after a year. But I’m the exception - most families set up a nicer nursery and 8k doesn’t seem too crazy.

Crib 200-500
Crib mattress 100-300
Crib sheets and pads 200
Dresser 300-1000
Changing table 100-300
Diaper pail - 75-100
Rug - 500-700
Rocking chair - 300-800
Window treatments/blackout - 300
Decorations - 300

If you can afford to set up a nice nursery and you’re busting your wife’s chops over it, you are being a grinch.


OP here. I know things are expensive but we spent much more on all of that.

Crib - $1k
Crib mattress -$359
Crib sheets - $80
Crib mattress protector -$100
Dresser with changing table - $1700
Rug - $800
Chair + ottoman - $1550
Nightstand - $400
Bookcase - $400
Snoo + accessories - $2000










What is your HHI? For some here, those are normal costs. For others, it’s extravagant. You seem anxious OP.

Maybe she’s buying stuff bc you’re constantly shutting her down. Are you bringing any enjoyment to this pregnancy experience at all?


OP here. She makes $80k and I make about $200k. We have healthy savings but she will likely stop working. This economy makes me anxious. Maintaining our life is expensive. Then we factor in private school for kids or childcare if she goes back to work. We can’t be so frivolous with spending.

The biggest issue is lack of communication and her inability to talk about things. The fact that she didn’t even tell me she cut her hours until afterwards. That should be a discussion we have together. Her inability to talk about a budget.

We are excited. We have picked out a nursery theme and I have pampered her with prenatal spa days. We have been putting a baby registry together.



Bottom line. Just reread this post—you are anxious and focused on what she’s doing or isn’t doing. How about focusing on your feelings of anxiety and worry financial and otherwise and approach her that way. Often when we are anxious we focus on another person. Focus on you and what you need.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will just suck it up. I was not saying or implying pregnancy isn't exhausting and comes with its own issues. I know she is growing a human inside of her and that she will be extra tired, frankly, and sometimes demanding.

Yes this child is very much wanted and so will any additional children we choose to have.

I take excellent care of my wife and make sure and does the same. We extensively researched the very best prenatal + supplements for her to take. She gets routine blood work and I make she she gets the very best nutrition to support her and our growing baby.

Cheating. I have never cheated on anyone, and will absolutely never cheat on my wife. Cheaters are scumbags, no excuses.

Job - My wife has a high stress job and I understand she needs to dial back. I just wish I was given a heads up or included in that decision. I feel like her communication skills have fallen to the waist side since becoming pregnant. She has a very emotionally taxing, and somewhat dangerous job. I'm all for her scaling back or taking time off, but I just need better communication.

Budget - I do think we can't spend endlessly. She designed a nursery that is $8k. She's impulsive an buys everything she sees that's on sale. She went to target and bought over $200 in baby clothes multiple times already. We live comfortably but I still think we need to dial it back and live more conservatively since kids aren't cheap.



What is her job? If dangerous, maybe it’s best she quits early.

What do you mean best supplements? I thought all were the same.

What kind of nursery items did she buy? 8k seems steep for baby furniture.



OP here.

She’s a forensic scientist. She works in a lab, at crime scenes, and also goes to court.

No. Prenatal are not created equal. I’ve done extensive research and you folic acid is not good. You want a prenatal with folate or L-5-methyl-tetrahydrofolate. Most people have a MTHFR gene variant and can’t properly or at all break down folic acid to folate.

We like two different ones - Seeking Health Optimal Prenatal and the Full Wellness Prenatal. She also takes Seeking Health Vitamin D + K2, A DHA/EPA, and Iron supplement. She also drinks a magnesium supplement each night.

I cook very healthy and nutritious food. Lots of high quality meat, dairy, and healthy fats.

She bought pottery barn kids stuff. Crib, Dresser, chair, night stand, rug, and bookcase.


That is false. Folic acid is the only nutrient proven to prevent birth defects.

https://www.factcheck.org/2023/04/scicheck-taking-folic-acid-not-other-folates-is-recommended-to-reduce-risk-of-birth-defects/


OP here. You’re incorrect. Folic acid is a synthetic form of folate and takes 5 steps to convert to the active form folate our bodies can use. Roughly 50% of the population has a MTHFR gene variant. Heterozygous can partially covert and homozygous can’t covert folic acid to folate. It renders it useless and can cause a buildup of folic acid in the body. This is an issue that has been recently found out and more people are becoming aware about.

“If a pregnant woman has this gene mutation, this means her body's ability to metabolize and use folate is inhibited. If she’s taking folic acid or some form of folate that isn’t MTHF folate, she’s in danger of a pregnancy complication, such as neural tube defects, pregnancy loss, higher fecundability (a harder time becoming pregnant), and more.
If a pregnant woman has this gene mutation, this means her body's ability to metabolize and utilize folate is inhibited.”


https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7564482/

https://natalist.com/blogs/learn/what-is-the-mthfr-gene-and-why-does-it-matter


Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.


OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.


OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.



If bride can’t understand that someone may need to cancel last minute for a sickness then that’s the bride’s issue.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.


OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.



If bride can’t understand that someone may need to cancel last minute for a sickness then that’s the bride’s issue.


She should have told her in advance. It sounds like OPs wife is an inconsiderate jerk.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.


OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.



If bride can’t understand that someone may need to cancel last minute for a sickness then that’s the bride’s issue.


She literally messed up her wedding but not showing up. Not to mention the money she lost out on for food. It isn’t cheap.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.



OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.


Even robust women can get sick during their pregnancies. Also, the level of sickness/discomfort changes throughout the pregnancy. It is unpredictable.

When I was pregnant, I was sick as a dog most of the time. I canceled everything, was fortunate that did not have to work, and basically spent nine months curled up in bed. My husband did not force me to be a martyr in a job.

You should be more understanding.

A pregnant woman should not have to go to crime scenes.
In many countries that are more advanced than the US, women in certain hazardous professions are put on mandatory (paid) leave during their pregnancies.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP are you jealous? You sound it along w being resentful and petty. Actually childish. I feel for your wife.


OP here. I’m not jealous. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have proper communication and she is spending like crazy.

Your partner is a representation of you. When that partner starts canceling important things and you constantly have to make excuses for them, it looks bad on you.

For instance, we RSVP to an important wedding. She was in it and so was I. Last minute she decided she don’t want to make the trip ( 1 hour drive) and didn’t go. This made me look like a complete jerk and I had to keep making excuses of why she couldn’t be there.


You sound whiny about wedding. You don’t look like a jerk if you say Sonya is so tired from pregnancy she regrets she can’t make it. No one else cares but you it sounds. And “constantly?” She’s not be pregnant for that long. You sound thin skinned OP.


OP here. The bride was very upset. She was a bridesmaids and assured her many times throughout the pregnancy she would still be able to be her bridesmaids. She canceled the night before the wedding. They no longer talk. The friend has cut her out, which has also affected my relationship with her husband who was a good friend of mine.



If bride can’t understand that someone may need to cancel last minute for a sickness then that’s the bride’s issue.


She should have told her in advance. It sounds like OPs wife is an inconsiderate jerk.


DP. I disagree. The wife may have wanted to go, but felt unable at the last minute. I understand completely. It is not a big deal. My only sibling did not attend my wedding because she didn't want to risk traveling while 7 months pregnant. I was disappointed, but I accepted it, of course.
Anonymous
If I had worked during my pregnancy, I would have had to quit, it was so bad.

I'm glad I am not married to you.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Listen carefully to me OP. When I was pregnant I was so incredibly sick that I wanted to die. I was literally suicidal. It was the darkest moment in my life. But I wasn’t vomiting to the extent of an HG patient, so everyone, including my DH, thought I was just dramatic and manipulative. I would wish the kind of sickness I had on my worst enemy. I’m not saying this to flame you. I’m saying this in hopes that you can better understand.


+1. OP, you have NO IDEA what your wife is going through. Even if she’s not vomiting multiple times a day, Some women are so deathly tired that it’s very difficult to do anything, particularly if her job is very taxing it’s understandable that she would need to cut her hours. And just wait till she is postpartum and you’re both getting little sleep with an infant! Your days of thinking of yourself first are unfortunately over.

That being said, it sounds like you both need to work on your communication. It is not OK for her to spend whatever she wants on baby stuff if as a couple you have agreed to follow a budget, and things like cutting work hours also need to be discussed as a couple and done with consideration of the big picture. My guess is she knew you would make it a big thing and she didn’t have the energy for a long argument about cutting her hours and your gaslighting about how her pregnancy symptoms are no big deal.
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