I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

OP here. Some additional examples for his behavior:
He says that the reason why I manage his parents' care exclusively is because I want to get them to change their will so that I inherit half their estate. This is blatantly delusional and extremely hurtful. His parents are in their late 80s and not capable of living on their own. We live far away, and I do what I can from the distance (identify nursing homes, talk to the hospitals where they were treated, arrange for a guardianship, coordinate outpatient medical appointments, talk to the neighbor who helps them), because he would not do anything for them. He is an only child and he never calls them unless I tell him "come, let's call your parents now". He has admitted that he does not feel any kind of love for his parents.

Yesterday he berated me for having spent $142 for a pair of racing shoes for our daughter's track meets, in a situation where she has only one pair of shoes left (not only sports shoes but any kind) that still fits her. This, while he runs up as much as $8k per month on his credit card.

He berates me for shopping at Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's.

I don't think that therapy would help me improve the problems.

Therapy would help you realize you need to leave and will help you start to plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

I spend as much weekend time out of the house as I can.

[Anonymous]

OP- this is the key line "every weekend is living hell"

It seems like your lives are more entangled than not outside this living arrangement

Do you work as well? May make sense to press for divorce to reset him a bit.

Not a woman, not a DCUM regular just think it may govern this awful situation a bit more rationally

[Anonymous]

Op, there is nothing stopping your dh from divorcing *you* when he feels like it. Food for thought….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

If she knows how miserable her parents are she may want to rid herself of the house and all the bad vibes and memories of misery attached to it.

[Anonymous]

Op your daughter will most likely imitate what you are modeling for her: marry someone like your husband and stay with him when he’s a jerk to her for the sake of the family. If that’s what you want for her then continue to model it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Are you sure?

Your daughter is THIRTEEN. This is all totally insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I’m sorry to hear this . I am not in this situation but I wonder if you both could agree to live separately under one roof . You may agree that you both could seek out companions (I know this opens the marriage.) does your daughter know you’re miserable ? She must at this point . If you have cardiac issues I don’t think it’s worth torturing yourself like this and risking your health . Have you tried therapy ?

OP here. Thanks for your kind words. We already live separately under the same roof. Our daughter knows this. I wouldn't care if he started seeing other women. In fact, he had several affairs in the past (before we "separated"). As for me, I don't have the bandwidth to date.

I have tried therapy, and it seemed to be a waste of time.

Why not divorce? Get rid of him (sounds like he’s already gotten rid of you in his own way, he’s just hanging on to what works for him such as your interest in his parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, there is nothing stopping your dh from divorcing *you* when he feels like it. Food for thought….

+1

Right now he gets free childcare, free cooked food, free house cleaning, free scheduler, and appears externally like a Nice Married Guy with a Kid.

OP gets the second shift housework and neglect. As does the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Several affairs?!?

[Anonymous]

Free elderly care and planning for his parents, who sure raised a winner.

[Anonymous]

OP you are either a troll or a complete idiot. I say this with all the compassion I can muster.

As the child of parents who were in a toxic relationship, I can't tell you how relieved I was when they finally divorced. I was sad, sure. But more than that, I was relieved there would be no more fights, yelling, accusations, and worse, with me trapped in the middle.

I feel like you are using the excuse of the house and your daughter -- who you claim to believe and accept fully at face value that she "plans to get married to a man" someday and live in the house -- as an excuse for you to do nothing, at the expense of your health, your mental and emotional well-being, and your daughter's well-being and future outlook on relationships.

These are just excuses, OP. Sorry to be harsh. But you need a wakeup call.

[Anonymous]

You know, my mother told me her fantasy of me raising my children in our home when I grew up and I laughed in her face as I told her I couldn't wait to finish HS so I could move far away and never come back, because her and my dad's fighting and terrible relationship made me miserable. She acted all shocked and I was genuinely shocked she'd think their terrible relationship would go unnoticed by me. I moved 3,000 miles away.

[Anonymous]

Op please leave DCUM and get therapy. Your husband may be a jerk but dcum can’t help you out of your hole. They are not exclusive. Please do it for your daughter. Get a therapist who will help you be the best self you need to be for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No house is worth this op.

It is if they can just agree to live peacefully as roommates.