I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No house is worth this op.

It is if they can just agree to live peacefully as roommates.

OP here. Thanks for your replies, they are very helpful, even if I seem obstinate to you.

We have been trying living only as roommates, but every conversation bears the risk of escalating into a fight. Lately, out of nowhere came his accusation that the only reason why I am helping his parents is because I want to inherit half of their estate. This is incredibly hurtful. I am helping them because he is not. I also have more flexibility time-wise. I cannot stand by knowing that his parents are rotting in their home.

[Anonymous]

So what happens if you just laugh and don’t engage with him? Why don’t you spend most of your time over the weekend out of the house, or pick up gardening or go to the gym to get away from hanging out with him? Take your daughter to activities? Go to the library and read?

Definitely move into the in law apartment, and I’d recommend that you don’t take any meals with him over the weekend either. Leave some food for him on a plate if you must but eat separately so he doesn’t have the space to engage with you negatively.

[Anonymous]

I would rather live in a tent and be happy alone than live in a nice house w/ someone I hate. Your daughter would rather have her mom alive than inherit a house.

You’re setting a bad example for your daughter on what a relationship is..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We are basically separated, living under one roof. Our daughter is 13. H and I hardly see each other during the week, as he leaves for work very early and comes home very late.

We cannot stand each other. Every weekend is living hell. While we both try to be civil, every discussion risks boiling over into a fight. He lacks empathy for me raising our daughter alone and doing absolutely everything around the house (he does 0) and accuses me of all kinds of irrational things such as wanting to inherit half of his parents' house.
He constantly badgers me to start earning 2x or 3x of what I make now (over 150k).

Neither of us wants to sell our beautiful house, and we want to pass it on to our daughter when she eventually marries and has children.

I actually plan to move out as soon as she leaves for college.

I just don't know how to cope with the situation until then. I am a heart patient (in my late 40s), and I get so upset almost every weekend that I fear that I will suffer a heart attack. I am very unhappy.

I would absolutely not mind moving out now to a rental, but I don't want to "desert the family home and the child." Plus, with the current prices, I could hardly afford a 2BR condo.

We live in a very expensive area. If we sold the house and split the proceeds, with the current interest rates each of us could barely afford a miserable dump.

Please help.

OP we are basically married to the same person. I have two kids though and we both work from home. The weekends here are torture. I wish I knew you in real life because I’m afraid to talk to my friends about any of this. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would rather live in a tent and be happy alone than live in a nice house w/ someone I hate. Your daughter would rather have her mom alive than inherit a house.

You’re setting a bad example for your daughter on what a relationship is..

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

+1 there zero chance your daughter will want to live in a house filled with memories of a toxic marriage.

[Anonymous]

NO. I’m in my late 40s. Both my parents have died. Their marriage was torture, less passive aggressive, more just aggressive bordering on abusive. They were both terrible to each other. My brother and I grew up with constant stress and fighting in the background. While as a kid I feared divorce, and my parents both threatened it. it might have been for the best.it was unheard of in our culture, especially in their generation. Both sides of the family mistrust each other due to their marriage, and I still feel caught in the middle even though they are no longer living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NO. I’m in my late 40s. Both my parents have died. Their marriage was torture, less passive aggressive, more just aggressive bordering on abusive. They were both terrible to each other. My brother and I grew up with constant stress and fighting in the background. While as a kid I feared divorce, and my parents both threatened it. it might have been for the best.it was unheard of in our culture, especially in their generation. Both sides of the family mistrust each other due to their marriage, and I still feel caught in the middle even though they are no longer living.

+1 except it was my older sister. Get out. find a way. if not for yourself, for your DD's health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds miserable and unsustainable. You can’t really plan for your daughter. She and her future husband might want to live somewhere else. This is a family home on DH side? No mortgage?

+1

Don't impose this on your daughter. She will live her own life.

[Anonymous]

Its so sad how neither parent seems to care about their daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

Yes, this. Honestly, I'm not sure she'd want it since she probably associates it with the place where her parents fight every day...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No house is worth this op.

It is if they can just agree to live peacefully as roommates.

OP here. Thanks for your replies, they are very helpful, even if I seem obstinate to you.

We have been trying living only as roommates, but every conversation bears the risk of escalating into a fight. Lately, out of nowhere came his accusation that the only reason why I am helping his parents is because I want to inherit half of their estate. This is incredibly hurtful. I am helping them because he is not. I also have more flexibility time-wise. I cannot stand by knowing that his parents are rotting in their home.

He’s mentally ill. And a cheater. And emotionally and verbally abusive.

Either divorce, Live separately (ie move away, wherever!), or Totally detach emotionally and from any normal behavior expectations from him.

Dont let him bring you down any more.

Opining on what a mentally sick person is doing or saying or thinking is a WASTE OF TIME.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds miserable and unsustainable. You can’t really plan for your daughter. She and her future husband might want to live somewhere else. This is a family home on DH side? No mortgage?

+1, you honestly cannot predict where your daughters going to be in 15 or 20 years. It’s not realistic to keep this house for her.

It’s insanely toxic. What happens when daughter is 30 and wants to live somewhere else and refuses the house?

I grew up in a beautiful house in an amazing Southern California city that is about as desirable as a location could possibly be. My parents bought the house for $100,000 and it was worth over $1 million by the time I graduated from college 18 years later. The house was fully paid off by that point as well. But now I live on the east coast, and it would have been really stupid for my parents to "save" the house for me and future potential family. Many people go to college outside the area where they grew up and don't return home. It would make sense to hang on to a vacation house in case your kids wanted it, but a primary household is just silly. Also, I'm sure you love your house and all, but generally speaking they're a dime a dozen, and you only bought it a few years ago so it's not like she is particularly tied to it. You are, and you need to let that go. I would resent my parents for keeping an unhealthy living dynamic all to save me a house I didn't want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

Why doesn't he move in there?!!! Especially if he is mostly out of the home for work during the week anyway?

OP here. We already had an agreement that he would live in the guest apartment. He hated it there, because it "doesn't have a nice view like the main house." Now he took over the master suite, where even the bathroom has gorgeous panoramic views. I sleep in one of the upstairs secondary bedrooms, and lately my daughter started sleeping in my bed.

This is just the worst trolling.

Agreed. And I happen to live on the water and my bathroom actually does have gorgeous panoramic views but even I don't believe this OP for one second. Also, typos/grammar errors signals bot troll. Try again.

[Anonymous]

I get why OPs husband think she's a moocher. I don't believe at all that the reason OP won't leave is because the daughter will want the house. No, OP doesn't want to live in the apartment she will be able to afford. She already mentions her daughter is being impacted by the toxicity and she doesn't care. Op is nothing but a selfish idiot.