I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I’m sorry to hear this . I am not in this situation but I wonder if you both could agree to live separately under one roof . You may agree that you both could seek out companions (I know this opens the marriage.) does your daughter know you’re miserable ? She must at this point . If you have cardiac issues I don’t think it’s worth torturing yourself like this and risking your health . Have you tried therapy ?

OP here. Thanks for your kind words. We already live separately under the same roof. Our daughter knows this. I wouldn't care if he started seeing other women. In fact, he had several affairs in the past (before we "separated"). As for me, I don't have the bandwidth to date.

I have tried therapy, and it seemed to be a waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

OP here. He is dead set against moving out. He considers me a leech, and he is not about to let me "live the high life in our beautiful house" while he would "be suffering in a miserable condo."

[Anonymous]

Well you seem to have all the answers. I don’t know what you want us to say. But life is short and it sounds like hell. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Therapy.

[Anonymous]

Stop holding onto the house. And the marriage. Your daughter isn't stupid, she knows how bad it is. You need to talk to DH, and you need to talk to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your daughter if this was her arrangement and she was miserable? To stick it out? This is the example youre setting for her at a very impressionable age. She will learn its ok for a ouse to treat the other that way and that yelling fights and unhappiness is what marriage is.

OP here. Sadly, just the other day my daughter (who just starts being interested in "crushes") said that she doesn't "think that it would be right to fall in love" because of how miserable love ended out for her parents...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

He is an adult. His potential new wife would be an adult. Your daughter will soon be an adult. Staying married to someone on the off-chance that he will be a burden to your adult child is crazy, and something you need to discuss in therapy. You just need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter probably won't want the house in the end because it will be associated with all the poison from the dysfunctional situation.

[Anonymous]

1. Therapy. Now.
2. Stop communicating with him over the weekend. Unless you need to talk about logistics regarding your daughter. You are in a parenting situation. Just parallel parent in the same house. And if he does nothing, then there is really nothing to talk about.
3. Do not expect him to change. He is not going to give you empathy. If he starts belittling you or talking about how you should make more money, you leave the room. You need to make firm boundaries if you are going to survive this for the next 5 years.
4. If you don't divorce now, do it as soon as your daughter goes to college. You do not need to be in a caretaker role for him and your daughter doesn't either.

[Anonymous]

The arguing is likely incredibly stressful for your daughter. My husband and I argued a lot when my daughter was that age and she developed chronic migraines from the stress. It was awful. Get out no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What would you tell your daughter if this was her arrangement and she was miserable? To stick it out? This is the example youre setting for her at a very impressionable age. She will learn its ok for a ouse to treat the other that way and that yelling fights and unhappiness is what marriage is.

OP here. Sadly, just the other day my daughter (who just starts being interested in "crushes") said that she doesn't "think that it would be right to fall in love" because of how miserable love ended out for her parents...

Your daughter is basically informing you directly that she is growing up in a toxic home and she is going to have very messed up relationships as a result. Her inheritance of your house should be the least of your concerns.

Hope this is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PPs, thanks for your input. A lot of food for thought...

I realize that I need to protect my daughter against growing up in a toxic environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

Why doesn't he move in there?!!! Especially if he is mostly out of the home for work during the week anyway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds miserable and unsustainable. You can’t really plan for your daughter. She and her future husband might want to live somewhere else. This is a family home on DH side? No mortgage?

+1, you honestly cannot predict where your daughters going to be in 15 or 20 years. It’s not realistic to keep this house for her.