I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

We are basically separated, living under one roof. Our daughter is 13. H and I hardly see each other during the week, as he leaves for work very early and comes home very late.

We cannot stand each other. Every weekend is living hell. While we both try to be civil, every discussion risks boiling over into a fight. He lacks empathy for me raising our daughter alone and doing absolutely everything around the house (he does 0) and accuses me of all kinds of irrational things such as wanting to inherit half of his parents' house.
He constantly badgers me to start earning 2x or 3x of what I make now (over 150k).

Neither of us wants to sell our beautiful house, and we want to pass it on to our daughter when she eventually marries and has children.

I actually plan to move out as soon as she leaves for college.

I just don't know how to cope with the situation until then. I am a heart patient (in my late 40s), and I get so upset almost every weekend that I fear that I will suffer a heart attack. I am very unhappy.

I would absolutely not mind moving out now to a rental, but I don't want to "desert the family home and the child." Plus, with the current prices, I could hardly afford a 2BR condo.

We live in a very expensive area. If we sold the house and split the proceeds, with the current interest rates each of us could barely afford a miserable dump.

Please help.

[Anonymous]

OP here again: I realize that the 5 years left until our daughter graduates from high school are not "decades". I am hoping to stay married for decades, but live separately. I handle all finances, as he is incapable. There are no arguments regarding major investments and expenses, only the face-to-face time is miserable.

[Anonymous]

Gosh I’m sorry to hear this . I am not in this situation but I wonder if you both could agree to live separately under one roof . You may agree that you both could seek out companions (I know this opens the marriage.) does your daughter know you’re miserable ? She must at this point . If you have cardiac issues I don’t think it’s worth torturing yourself like this and risking your health . Have you tried therapy ?

[Anonymous]

Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Sounds miserable and unsustainable. You can’t really plan for your daughter. She and her future husband might want to live somewhere else. This is a family home on DH side? No mortgage?

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand - if you’re going to move out when she goes to college, why would you stay married after that?

[Anonymous]

Stop jeopardizing your health and get a divorce. Your daughter would much prefer her mother to live as long as possible than to have her die from the stress of living with someone she hates do that some day in the future the daughter could inherit the house. Come on OP.

[Anonymous]

Intending to stay in the house to pass it down to your 13 year old daughter is insane.

That said, if you are both in agreement that you want to be separated and on the way to divorce then go to a mediator and work out an agreement. Or just get a divorce.

And instead of worrying about the "deserting the family home," go and talk to an attorney about how to successfully initiate a divorce and not put yourself in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Passing on the house wouldn’t be a good idea even if you were happily married.

I don’t see why a few years in a 2br condo would be a problem for your daughter.

Get divorced!

[Anonymous]

If you are both insisting on living together for what sounds like super weird reasons, just go to a counselor to learn how to communicate. It sounds like you can't even manage to get through the day without arguing. Even a roommate is better.

[Anonymous]

No house is worth this op.

[Anonymous]

I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We are basically separated, living under one roof. Our daughter is 13. H and I hardly see each other during the week, as he leaves for work very early and comes home very late.

We cannot stand each other. Every weekend is living hell. While we both try to be civil, every discussion risks boiling over into a fight. He lacks empathy for me raising our daughter alone and doing absolutely everything around the house (he does 0) and accuses me of all kinds of irrational things such as wanting to inherit half of his parents' house.
He constantly badgers me to start earning 2x or 3x of what I make now (over 150k).

Neither of us wants to sell our beautiful house, and we want to pass it on to our daughter when she eventually marries and has children.

I actually plan to move out as soon as she leaves for college.

I just don't know how to cope with the situation until then. I am a heart patient (in my late 40s), and I get so upset almost every weekend that I fear that I will suffer a heart attack. I am very unhappy.

I would absolutely not mind moving out now to a rental, but I don't want to "desert the family home and the child." Plus, with the current prices, I could hardly afford a 2BR condo.

We live in a very expensive area. If we sold the house and split the proceeds, with the current interest rates each of us could barely afford a miserable dump.

Please help.

Let me be franky: You will probably die soon. You won't make it to your dd going to college. Why waste time?

It's in your best interest to try to find peace, since your husband needs a relationship with your daughter after you're pushing up daisies. I'd dial down the conflict, abide by what he needs and try to do what's best for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

What would you tell your daughter if this was her arrangement and she was miserable? To stick it out? This is the example youre setting for her at a very impressionable age. She will learn its ok for a ouse to treat the other that way and that yelling fights and unhappiness is what marriage is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.