I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

Your 13 year old already is turned off from relationships because her parents are terrible role models. You really think she wants to live in the house of her miserable childhood? You are all sorts of delusional

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Your daughter is 13 and she loves “the desirable area”.

Definitely a troll

My kids are younger and they know what ac units in the windows mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

Why doesn't he move in there?!!! Especially if he is mostly out of the home for work during the week anyway?

OP here. We already had an agreement that he would live in the guest apartment. He hated it there, because it "doesn't have a nice view like the main house." Now he took over the master suite, where even the bathroom has gorgeous panoramic views. I sleep in one of the upstairs secondary bedrooms, and lately my daughter started sleeping in my bed.

You don’t like him stop leeching off of him and move out. You have plenty enough money to survive without him. You are seriously going to give yourself a heart attack if you don’t leave. At least take up a hobby that has you and your kid out of the house most of the time your schedules would overlap and coincide with when he’s there. Make her play soccer

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

I know dcum likes to cuddle women in unhappy marriages, but you need to grow a pair. You are that unhappy, and you are talking about " might" ?

There is space available in your home office for you to be more comfortable, and you'd rather come and cry on dcum...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he move out? And forget about leaving the house to your daughter.

He likely has a lot of disorders and issues and incapabilities. Can he live in a small apartment? Stay married but live separately?

He will likely always be a burden to you and your daughter. Even if divorced.

Consider him mentally disabled. You seem to realize that already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We are basically separated, living under one roof. Our daughter is 13. H and I hardly see each other during the week, as he leaves for work very early and comes home very late.

We cannot stand each other. Every weekend is living hell. While we both try to be civil, every discussion risks boiling over into a fight. He lacks empathy for me raising our daughter alone and doing absolutely everything around the house (he does 0) and accuses me of all kinds of irrational things such as wanting to inherit half of his parents' house.
He constantly badgers me to start earning 2x or 3x of what I make now (over 150k).

Neither of us wants to sell our beautiful house, and we want to pass it on to our daughter when she eventually marries and has children.

I actually plan to move out as soon as she leaves for college.

I just don't know how to cope with the situation until then. I am a heart patient (in my late 40s), and I get so upset almost every weekend that I fear that I will suffer a heart attack. I am very unhappy.

I would absolutely not mind moving out now to a rental, but I don't want to "desert the family home and the child." Plus, with the current prices, I could hardly afford a 2BR condo.

We live in a very expensive area. If we sold the house and split the proceeds, with the current interest rates each of us could barely afford a miserable dump.

Please help.

i wonder how much empathy you have for him working insane hours to support your lifestyle.

if your daughter is 13 then the time intensive part of child rearing is over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop jeopardizing your health and get a divorce. Your daughter would much prefer her mother to live as long as possible than to have her die from the stress of living with someone she hates do that some day in the future the daughter could inherit the house. Come on OP.

It sounds like a torture chamber to grow up in. You are modelling this very unhealthy relationship for your child, do you not realize that.
All so you can stay in your "beautiful home?"
Stop being materialistic. Your physical and mental health should come first.

Go to therapy to figure out why you are staying in your current situation. It is not good for your child. Don't be afraid of the "d" word (unless it is dysfunction).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh I’m sorry to hear this . I am not in this situation but I wonder if you both could agree to live separately under one roof . You may agree that you both could seek out companions (I know this opens the marriage.) does your daughter know you’re miserable ? She must at this point . If you have cardiac issues I don’t think it’s worth torturing yourself like this and risking your health . Have you tried therapy ?

OP here. Thanks for your kind words. We already live separately under the same roof. Our daughter knows this. I wouldn't care if he started seeing other women. In fact, he had several affairs in the past (before we "separated"). As for me, I don't have the bandwidth to date.

I have tried therapy, and it seemed to be a waste of time.

Probably because you were not open to doing anything different, and then wondered why the problems weren't solved.

You are living a very unhealthy life, and dragging a child into it.

It is not normal for a child to sleep with their parent at 13.
She is probably traumatized and feels unsafe. Please get help for her and yourself.

Your husband can fend for himself. You are not his guardian.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and left when kids went to college. However, we made sure we were always civil in front of the kid.

I'm much happier now, even though I moved to a small apartment, but I think my kid benefited from not seeing the breakup up close while in high school. Having your parents break up while you're in college is probably better.

I sense that you feel some real contempt for your spouse. Contempt is one of the worst things possible for a marital relationship. Worse than other things that get more attention on this board. Check out Gottman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 13 year old already is turned off from relationships because her parents are terrible role models. You really think she wants to live in the house of her miserable childhood? You are all sorts of delusional

People in this situation have no idea, are too selfish, or simply don't care how it is adversely affecting their kid/s, in ways they could never imagine. Your kid/s are acversely affected for a lifetime, with status quo. Stop being so selfish, and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Your daughter is 13 and she loves “the desirable area”.

Definitely a troll

My kids are younger and they know what ac units in the windows mean.

wow. sometimes I second guess myself for living in a non-fancy neighborhood but then I read things like this and feel glad I’m not raising my kid to be a total *sshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Your daughter is 13 and she loves “the desirable area”.

Definitely a troll

My kids are younger and they know what ac units in the windows mean.

What? That the live in a $1 million Georgetown rowhouse built in 1880. lol The rental propery we own cannot be fitted for central AC w/out duct work that would be impossible to integrate. You will see window ACs out the back in many 7-figure properites there.