I don't know how I will continue this arrangement with DH for decades -- looking for creative ideas

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Your daughter is 13 and she loves “the desirable area”.

Definitely a troll

My kids are younger and they know what ac units in the windows mean.

This is INSANE. Like stupidly so. I am sitting on a property worth twice what it was when I purchased, with a personal networth over 1 million, a master's degree and high profile job. AND an AC unit in the bump out. Is that what it means? Triggered. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

OP this is no way to live. You can't control life for your daughter. Life happens. Do you even know if she's happy with you fighting right now? The memory of you fighting may make her not want anything to do with the house later. But, if you sacrifice everything for her, she may turn out to be as big of a people pleaser as you are now and do so out of obligation >> so "my mom doesn't feel sad."

Therapy, with a good therapist, would help you help yourself and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a psycho

Who stays to leave their daughter the house to live in with her husband????

You have to be a troll

One your daughter could like other girls are you ok with her marrying a woman and moving in?

Wth? Is wrong with you?

Your kid might never marry give. Your situation they are living in trans. Who thinks their kid will want to live in the house they grew up in forever ???


You have to be a troll

Hi, there. OP here. No, I am not a troll. My daughter is straight, plans to get married and have children. She loves our home, which is very conveniently located in a very desirable area.

We bought the house a few years ago, when mortgage rates were lower. I know our plan to turn over the house to our daughter when she has children sounds strange to Americans. We both come from a culture where the elderly vacate the main house and "retire to the cottage".

I plan to stay married after our daughter leaves for college for the following reason:
If we get divorced, the burden of managing my husband's things would fall on my daughter or a new wife. While he is a high earner, he is incapable of managing taxes, insurances, home repairs, investments, etc. I manage even his parents' care.

Your daughter is 13 and she loves “the desirable area”.

Definitely a troll

My kids are younger and they know what ac units in the windows mean.

That the building is old? That it's located on Connecticut Avenue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
We are basically separated, living under one roof. Our daughter is 13. H and I hardly see each other during the week, as he leaves for work very early and comes home very late.

We cannot stand each other. Every weekend is living hell. While we both try to be civil, every discussion risks boiling over into a fight. He lacks empathy for me raising our daughter alone and doing absolutely everything around the house (he does 0) and accuses me of all kinds of irrational things such as wanting to inherit half of his parents' house.
He constantly badgers me to start earning 2x or 3x of what I make now (over 150k).

Neither of us wants to sell our beautiful house, and we want to pass it on to our daughter when she eventually marries and has children.

I actually plan to move out as soon as she leaves for college.

I just don't know how to cope with the situation until then. I am a heart patient (in my late 40s), and I get so upset almost every weekend that I fear that I will suffer a heart attack. I am very unhappy.

I would absolutely not mind moving out now to a rental, but I don't want to "desert the family home and the child." Plus, with the current prices, I could hardly afford a 2BR condo.

We live in a very expensive area. If we sold the house and split the proceeds, with the current interest rates each of us could barely afford a miserable dump.

Please help.

i wonder how much empathy you have for him working insane hours to support your lifestyle.

if your daughter is 13 then the time intensive part of child rearing is over.

Ah yes. More empathy and accommodating of the dysfunctional spouse. That’s the ticket!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

OP here. Some additional examples for his behavior:
He says that the reason why I manage his parents' care exclusively is because I want to get them to change their will so that I inherit half their estate. This is blatantly delusional and extremely hurtful. His parents are in their late 80s and not capable of living on their own. We live far away, and I do what I can from the distance (identify nursing homes, talk to the hospitals where they were treated, arrange for a guardianship, coordinate outpatient medical appointments, talk to the neighbor who helps them), because he would not do anything for them. He is an only child and he never calls them unless I tell him "come, let's call your parents now". He has admitted that he does not feel any kind of love for his parents.

Yesterday he berated me for having spent $142 for a pair of racing shoes for our daughter's track meets, in a situation where she has only one pair of shoes left (not only sports shoes but any kind) that still fits her. This, while he runs up as much as $8k per month on his credit card.

He berates me for shopping at Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's.

I don't think that therapy would help me improve the problems.

[Anonymous]

Choosing to suffer this much is unintentionally putting SO MUCH pressure on your daughter. Don't martyr yourself so she can inherit a nice house IF she gets parried and IF she has kids. I'm sure she would much rather have a living and happy mother.

[Anonymous]

Please put yourself in your daughter's shoes. You are being selfish and incredibly unfair to her. She's 13 and already forming unhealthy perspectives because her parents are selfish and want to keep a house over providing her with a healthy environment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

OP here. Some additional examples for his behavior:
He says that the reason why I manage his parents' care exclusively is because I want to get them to change their will so that I inherit half their estate. This is blatantly delusional and extremely hurtful. His parents are in their late 80s and not capable of living on their own. We live far away, and I do what I can from the distance (identify nursing homes, talk to the hospitals where they were treated, arrange for a guardianship, coordinate outpatient medical appointments, talk to the neighbor who helps them), because he would not do anything for them. He is an only child and he never calls them unless I tell him "come, let's call your parents now". He has admitted that he does not feel any kind of love for his parents.

Yesterday he berated me for having spent $142 for a pair of racing shoes for our daughter's track meets, in a situation where she has only one pair of shoes left (not only sports shoes but any kind) that still fits her. This, while he runs up as much as $8k per month on his credit card.

He berates me for shopping at Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's.

I don't think that therapy would help me improve the problems.

So all his fault? No acknowledgement about how unfair you are being to your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

OP here. Some additional examples for his behavior:
He says that the reason why I manage his parents' care exclusively is because I want to get them to change their will so that I inherit half their estate. This is blatantly delusional and extremely hurtful. His parents are in their late 80s and not capable of living on their own. We live far away, and I do what I can from the distance (identify nursing homes, talk to the hospitals where they were treated, arrange for a guardianship, coordinate outpatient medical appointments, talk to the neighbor who helps them), because he would not do anything for them. He is an only child and he never calls them unless I tell him "come, let's call your parents now". He has admitted that he does not feel any kind of love for his parents.

Yesterday he berated me for having spent $142 for a pair of racing shoes for our daughter's track meets, in a situation where she has only one pair of shoes left (not only sports shoes but any kind) that still fits her. This, while he runs up as much as $8k per month on his credit card.

He berates me for shopping at Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's.

I don't think that therapy would help me improve the problems.

That's because you're stuck. Your blaming everything on your husband and don't have any self-awareness. You said therapy didn't "work" before and that's usually because of two reasons: you weren't ready to change or you had a therapist who didn't challenge you or wasn't a good fit.

Complaining doesn't solve problems. You've rejected all the "creative ideas."

[Anonymous]

This sounds insane but to give a specific custom solution to OP's dilemma, instead of judging her or giving her standard solutions, my recommendation would be to get thick skin, ignore his rants and consider life a drama where she is playing a role of a wise and kind woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

OP here. Some additional examples for his behavior:
He says that the reason why I manage his parents' care exclusively is because I want to get them to change their will so that I inherit half their estate. This is blatantly delusional and extremely hurtful. His parents are in their late 80s and not capable of living on their own. We live far away, and I do what I can from the distance (identify nursing homes, talk to the hospitals where they were treated, arrange for a guardianship, coordinate outpatient medical appointments, talk to the neighbor who helps them), because he would not do anything for them. He is an only child and he never calls them unless I tell him "come, let's call your parents now". He has admitted that he does not feel any kind of love for his parents.

Yesterday he berated me for having spent $142 for a pair of racing shoes for our daughter's track meets, in a situation where she has only one pair of shoes left (not only sports shoes but any kind) that still fits her. This, while he runs up as much as $8k per month on his credit card.

He berates me for shopping at Whole Foods instead of Trader Joe's.

I don't think that therapy would help me improve the problems.

That's because you're stuck. Your blaming everything on your husband and don't have any self-awareness. You said therapy didn't "work" before and that's usually because of two reasons: you weren't ready to change or you had a therapist who didn't challenge you or wasn't a good fit.

Complaining doesn't solve problems. You've rejected all the "creative ideas."

And her examples are examples of conflict in a marriage but don’t necessarily reflect that her husband is a monster or a bad person. Yeah the thing with his parents seems off but he has a side of the story too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d put an in-law apartment on the property and live in that.

OP here. There is already a guest apartment on the property, currently used as my home office (I work from home). It is only 560 sq ft but it has a kitchen, bath, living room and a bedroom. I might just move there full-time.

You work from home and are worried about keeping up appearances on a neighborhood? Move into the guest house and put some money together to move. There are some really sweet neighborhoods that you can move to on your salary which is much more than mine. Force the sale of the house then wait as rates subside. When it gets around 3.5% you can afford about a $700k -800k house. Get one that is move in ready. Try to find a townhome with no yard work. Those quiet silver spring neighborhoods that are a little farther out like 4 corners and up along 29 where it’s real quiet and new developments are where you should be looking. I’m not familiar with Virginia at all but people here can point you in the right direction. Actually those neighborhoods are affordable for you RIGHT NOW as you can find a town house for 4-550k. Your kid can have 2 houses.

I agree except rates are never going to go back to 3.5%. OP needs to start making plans based on reality.

All I hear from OP are excuses. OP, if you are that concerned about appearances, everyone knows. You will gain more respect by leaving this excuse for a man.

I’m not actually convinced OP’s husband is some sort of monster. It takes two to tango.

+1

Sounds like OP has a martyr complex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PPs, thanks for your input. A lot of food for thought...

I realize that I need to protect my daughter against growing up in a toxic environment.

Too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a similar situation and left when kids went to college. However, we made sure we were always civil in front of the kid.

I'm much happier now, even though I moved to a small apartment, but I think my kid benefited from not seeing the breakup up close while in high school. Having your parents break up while you're in college is probably better.

I sense that you feel some real contempt for your spouse. Contempt is one of the worst things possible for a marital relationship. Worse than other things that get more attention on this board. Check out Gottman.

Yeah you think it had no impact on your kid? That’s cute.’