Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand women that sit around and complain about their husbands who are high powered and high earners. If your husband is a surgeon, hire some help and go enjoy some free time.

I never hired help bc I considered that my “job”

Now that the kids are in school, my job got easier. I always knew that was coming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

What job did you have that is only Friday evenings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and am a SAHM. DH is a surgeon and I basically have to do everything. He has to work late, has work related dinners, industry meetings, research, continuing education and often says he has to attend dinner when some other surgeon is in town. I am so beyond fed up and irritated. I understand that he can’t handle the day and has never taken a sick day or snow day to take our kid to the doctor or dentist. All this extra stuff in addition to not helping during the day is just pushing me to my breaking point. He will also want to go play or watch sports with someone if he happens to be free. He will say he never hangs out with friends. He does not count professional dinners hanging out with friends even if he is friends with these colleagues.

I used to work and I was responsible for both mornings and afternoons because Dh is not reliable to ever do any pick ups. He helps if he gets out early but I could never depend on him. His answer if I should be able to pick up a kid but it is never definite because of the nature of his work.

I know a mom who had a similar set up. Her husband did nothing so she went back to work. Now she has a job and FT help and still does 90% of the kid stuff.

Would going back to work even help my situation?

With surgeon shift work most would be home a smattering of days a week. Guess he really avoids you, the kids and the house.

You should go back to work. At least you’d be working with normal people who thank you for your work instead of take advantage. That or get busy doing other things and hire more help.

Your spouse is very checked out. Even for a “surgeon”. That or this is a TROLL post since it’s so repetitive with previous posts

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

[Anonymous]

I get the feeling he doesn’t want to be involved.

[Anonymous]

I skipped a page or two of this thread, but I don't actually see OP claiming she is overwhelmed with the quantity of household/childrearing. She is just complaining that her DH has washed his hands of it.

If your DH is a surgeon, it's pretty reasonable he is going to be busy all. the. time. If you're a sahm, even of three kids, there is no reason you can't run the house without getting overwhelmed. This is the whole point of being a sahm. I don't think someone should have to come home from a 12 hour work day (even if an hour of it was going out with the people from the office) and do an hour of laundry, simply to prove the point that they also contribute to the household labor. It's not like you are working as hard or long as he is during the typical day. And if you are, you're doing sahm wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

+1
There is a surgeon on our block (married to an anesthesiologist wife) and he has always been around plenty. I think both parents’ schedules vary some (and they always had a nanny when the kids were very small- I think they just use sitters and grandparent help now that the kids are upper elementary and middle school) but the dad was at the bus stop plenty of mornings when the kids were little and other times there in the afternoons. The mom travels a fair amount for her hobby and the surgeon dad has the kids on the weekend when she does. Obviously he would use sitters or grandma as needed but is certainly present for the kids. Lots of social media posts with him taking the kids out etc. He obviously works a lot but seems about as present as any other dad in the neighborhood to me.

[Anonymous]

Wait, do you really expect your husband to just leave surgery or call out to take your kid someplace, op? Hire some help for things like that, or do it yourself, whatever works for you.
If you are wondering how your husband can plan and then follow through to see his old college buddy but can’t use the same skills and procedures for you, that’s a fair point and I would mention it to him. You do have every right to say “You always say you can’t plan, but you sure hop to it when John calls, I’m really starting to think you just don’t care about me” if that’s how you feel.

As for the education classes, I’d let that go, he needs them for work and well, he really does need them. Dinners, I’m not sure if that’s social or not, but that you can address, I made a hard and fast rule with my husband that Friday and Saturday nights are our couple time. If a friend wants to see us, that person sees both of us. If the friend “can’t” bring his spouse or girlfriend, that’s not my problem, the girlfriend or wife was invited, and my husband and I are socializing together so come or don’t, but this isn’t guys’ night.
I’d also find things you can just do by yourself that make you happy, reading, writing, listening to podcasts, music, crafts, just something you can do while you wait so you don’t mind the waiting. That’s some of the best advice my mom gave me, you will be waiting a lot with kids and husbands find things and live in places where you don’t mind. We bought a house with a lot of natural light because I love natural light. We have a nice bedroom and bathroom I like, nice shower and bathtub and huge bedroom. I love sitting out in my backyard and we got a low end piano “for the kids” only now I like it. Point being, you need to really try to set things up so you can be truly comfortable and happy on your own since your husband cannot work from home. I’m more sympathetic to you then I may sound, my husband working long hours in an office even during covid nearly broke me. He got a job where he mostly works from home largely at my insistence, and I am grateful for that. This won’t work for you, and money shouldn’t be a problem. If it is, I’d be really concerned. I’m also assuming he isn’t cheating because I’m in a nice mood today. Do think about that possibility either. Any profession has time off, you just need to find out consistently when your husband is off. If he can plan time with friends he can do the same for you. Definitely call him out on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never understand women that sit around and complain about their husbands who are high powered and high earners. If your husband is a surgeon, hire some help and go enjoy some free time.

I never hired help bc I considered that my “job”

Now that the kids are in school, my job got easier. I always knew that was coming.

heh i would 100000% hire help if i had the money to do it. i'd hire someone to do my actual job if i had the $ to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

She’s a SAHM, not an indentured servant. So many people on this board hate women. I am done.

Don't let the door hit you. Bye.

Nice to see the misogynist troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

Use some of that 1 million to hire help.

[Anonymous]

If he make +1M, you can afford a nanny

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and am a SAHM. DH is a surgeon and I basically have to do everything. He has to work late, has work related dinners, industry meetings, research, continuing education and often says he has to attend dinner when some other surgeon is in town. I am so beyond fed up and irritated. I understand that he can’t handle the day and has never taken a sick day or snow day to take our kid to the doctor or dentist. All this extra stuff in addition to not helping during the day is just pushing me to my breaking point. He will also want to go play or watch sports with someone if he happens to be free. He will say he never hangs out with friends. He does not count professional dinners hanging out with friends even if he is friends with these colleagues.

I used to work and I was responsible for both mornings and afternoons because Dh is not reliable to ever do any pick ups. He helps if he gets out early but I could never depend on him. His answer if I should be able to pick up a kid but it is never definite because of the nature of his work.

I know a mom who had a similar set up. Her husband did nothing so she went back to work. Now she has a job and FT help and still does 90% of the kid stuff.

Would going back to work even help my situation?

With surgeon shift work most would be home a smattering of days a week. Guess he really avoids you, the kids and the house.

You should go back to work. At least you’d be working with normal people who thank you for your work instead of take advantage. That or get busy doing other things and hire more help.

Your spouse is very checked out. Even for a “surgeon”. That or this is a TROLL post since it’s so repetitive with previous posts

He absolutely is checked out. He works long hours and reminds me that his job is also physical so he is exhausted after surgery all day. On weekends, we tag team and drive our kids to their sports and activities. He does enjoy watching our kids play sports.

One difference and I think this is a difference between the men and women in our circles is that your kid having X event or multiple kids having sports practice would never be an excuse on why a man can’t go to a work event. For women, if your kid had ballet or soccer, especially at the same time, you normally wouldn’t say you can go out to dinner at that exact time.