Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he make +1M, you can afford a nanny

Yeah I understand that it’s frustrating that he doesn’t do the kid work like the doctor and dentist appointments and school stuff but … at this point that’s his choice. You going back to work will absolutely not force him to be more involved. You’ll just be overstretched between working and doing all the home/kid tasks. Is your husband being a tightwad about hiring a nanny or two? And/or weekend babysitters? If not just do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

What?? One evening a week is nothing

You need your own savings girl!

50/50 rarely happens - higher earner gets to keep everything

PP here. This was my first post on this thread. I don’t really care about DH’s money. If we get a divorce, he can keep it. I can always pick up more work.
I do have my own retirement account and most of my income goes into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

That's not true. In the past couple of weeks someone posted links to latest divorce stars of all types of metrics (percentage per year, least likely to cheat, least likely to divorce, most common factors for divorce). If anyone can post the link, I remember surgeons were some of the least likely to cheat or divorce despite their reputation from media. Although in person they all do seem arrogant but arrogance is not a marriage killer.

When would they have time to cheat?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids and am a SAHM. DH is a surgeon and I basically have to do everything. He has to work late, has work related dinners, industry meetings, research, continuing education and often says he has to attend dinner when some other surgeon is in town. I am so beyond fed up and irritated. I understand that he can’t handle the day and has never taken a sick day or snow day to take our kid to the doctor or dentist. All this extra stuff in addition to not helping during the day is just pushing me to my breaking point. He will also want to go play or watch sports with someone if he happens to be free. He will say he never hangs out with friends. He does not count professional dinners hanging out with friends even if he is friends with these colleagues.

I used to work and I was responsible for both mornings and afternoons because Dh is not reliable to ever do any pick ups. He helps if he gets out early but I could never depend on him. His answer if I should be able to pick up a kid but it is never definite because of the nature of his work.

I know a mom who had a similar set up. Her husband did nothing so she went back to work. Now she has a job and FT help and still does 90% of the kid stuff.

Would going back to work even help my situation?

With surgeon shift work most would be home a smattering of days a week. Guess he really avoids you, the kids and the house.

You should go back to work. At least you’d be working with normal people who thank you for your work instead of take advantage. That or get busy doing other things and hire more help.

Your spouse is very checked out. Even for a “surgeon”. That or this is a TROLL post since it’s so repetitive with previous posts

He absolutely is checked out. He works long hours and reminds me that his job is also physical so he is exhausted after surgery all day. On weekends, we tag team and drive our kids to their sports and activities. He does enjoy watching our kids play sports.

One difference and I think this is a difference between the men and women in our circles is that your kid having X event or multiple kids having sports practice would never be an excuse on why a man can’t go to a work event. For women, if your kid had ballet or soccer, especially at the same time, you normally wouldn’t say you can go out to dinner at that exact time.

DP. In my circle, divorced men say they can’t do x or y because of kid conflicts. Married men can make it to whatever. Married women don’t say why they can’t make it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

You are fed up with him? Yikes, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

What job did you have that is only Friday evenings?

I’m a psychiatrist. I work in a psychiatric emergency room.
For a while I worked seeing outpatients while the kids were at school, but that was really miserable. DH would forget that I worked at all and just expected me to take care of everything at home.

This is much better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

You are fed up with him? Yikes, lady.

Keep tilting at windmills, OP.

You have healthy children and a high earning husband who has not filed yet despite you "blowing up at him" on the reg. Many would count their blessings. Maybe your dynamic is why he does not include you in his socializing?

[Anonymous]

Team husband. This woman is batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have 3 kids if things were so tough? Why one or two?

Why do people ask things like this? No one can predict what things are going to be like as kids grow older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

That's not true. In the past couple of weeks someone posted links to latest divorce stars of all types of metrics (percentage per year, least likely to cheat, least likely to divorce, most common factors for divorce). If anyone can post the link, I remember surgeons were some of the least likely to cheat or divorce despite their reputation from media. Although in person they all do seem arrogant but arrogance is not a marriage killer.

When would they have time to cheat?!

They cheat at work. It isn't all that difficult to do in many hospital settings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

What does “better” look like? What do you actually want him to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.

I say this all the time. I said previously that I blow up at him every few months or once per year. I am normally content and fine with our situation.

I think what happens is that when he gets into the swing of conferences and meeting other cutting edge surgeons, he becomes more motivated with work and then he does more industry stuff. He gets interested in new technologies, wants to get more involved in research, etc. The visiting physicians or meetings and conferences he attends makes him want to do more than just surgery. The surgery itself is already grueling enough and then he does all this extra stuff in addition to seeing his patients and doing surgery. He is also specialized so he always has patients waiting to see him. He adds on emergency surgeries of patients who can’t wait 3 months. It is a never ending cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

What does “better” look like? What do you actually want him to do?

Better looks like he works half as much as he does now and earn 800k and I go back to work and earn 200k and being partners.