Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what the problem is OP. Your husband makes $1 million+ in a stressful job and you’re complaining he doesn’t help out at home?! Like everyone said, hire help so you can enjoy your life too.

My husband is a physician too. He works all the time- almost 7 days a week. He is exhausted, has given up his hobbies, and basically works, sleeps, and helps clean and with our child’s homework when he has time and energy in the evening. I don’t begrudge him for his lack of family time. He is working for the family, and he recognizes how hard I work as a SAHM to support him. And we hire part time help so I can recharge. You have enough money. Don’t be a martyr.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I’m married to medicine too and I get it although my DH is not a surgeon and makes about 400k.

We’ve been married 15 years, have 3 kids and I hope to be married to him until we die. I have accepted that he is the way he is- he is not to be trusted to do the kid care or school pickup or whatever. He just isn’t. I have spent years fighting and being mad and considering cheating and divorce, but I calmed down during Covid and thought to myself- this is the father of my kids and I did make a commitment to him. He is not a bad man. I need to figure out how to be happy with him.

What I do is spend money (within reason) however I want and do not ask him or think twice ( I keep our budget so know how much we can spend). He does not care. I make all our social plans and plan dinners out with girlfriends and get sitters- he does not care. I fly to see my best friends and bring a kid or two and set up childcare to help him. Again, doesn’t really care (doesn’t love it but doesn’t stop me).

I am happy, kids are great, we have lots of sex, he is happy, our marriage is good. I think you need to focus on the constraints you have and make yourself happy. We’re not going to change these one in a million men and we are lucky to have them. Make friends with other surgeon wives. Go on fun trips. Stay married and don’t fight! Wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

I think OP in essence threw a temper tantrum. She’s the childish one. And obnoxious in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

You have NOTHING to complain about. Seriously, shut up. I hope he leaves you.

DH came home so tired today. He is already asleep. I was so mad at him earlier today. It is hard to stay angry at a guy who looks so tired.

I’m over it….for now.

It would be a big problem for me if when he was home he was locked up in his home office, or going to bed super early (ie 8am) or napping half the weekend or watching Netflix instead of interacting.

That’s rude and disrespectful

He had really tired eyes. I haven’t seen him this tired for a while. He left home this morning before six and came home at 7. He was exhausted.

Poor him. Has to stay in a soul sucking job that makes him spend his free time golfing and going to dinner, conferences, and outings with his besties.

[Anonymous]

Yes go back to work fulltime Op. a new perspective might help you and him. And the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Yes, this. It’s the same with the BigLaw husbands who just absolutely can’t participate in home stuff. Us lawyers who spend time with our kids can easily call their bluffs.

Personally I never wanted to stay at home because I didn’t want this kind of dynamic. My job is no less important than my husband’s so he is equally as responsible for our kids as I am. But he also wanted kids so he could actually parent them. If your husband doesn’t want that then I’m not sure what you’re supposed to do.

[Anonymous]

Was he involved after the first kid? The second? So then you had a third?

You chose to stay at home and are now complaining that all the kid stuff falls on you. Why on earth would he take care of a sick kid when your job is literally to be home to take the kids to the doctor?

It sounds like he makes a ton of money, allowing you to not work. If you’d rather work then get a job and use his salary to pay for help. If you’d rather not work then maybe appreciate the fact that you don’t have to.

Poor poor rich stay at home mom who chose to have three kids with a guy who doesn’t participate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

I’m a woman and had to pay my ex alimony (I settled on a large lump sum to be able to move on with my life). We had no kids and he did nothing to support my education or career. I still did everything at home and with the pets and I took the entire financial burden of my education on myself. But Fairfax county used a calculator and said I owed him alimony because I outearned him. We had been married three years. It was utter bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

The surgeon in our block works hard, helps take care of one SN kid and other kids, plus has a caterpillar snow plow and does the whole neighborhood so he can get to the hospital when it snows! His wife works in a demanding profession too. With travel.

Yours sounds like a selfish dud.

Op here. There are different kinds of surgeons with various workloads and pay. DH is a busy one who earns $1m+. He has friends who are paid a $300 or 400k salary and do not operate that much, so more research, teach, etc. He also has friends and colleagues who work more than he does and gets paid far less. He would never be able to take our kids to the bus stop in the morning. Even on clinic non operative days, he has to get to the hospital to round before he starts seeing patients. Even without rounding, he starts seeing patients at 8. DH always reminds me that he has tons of paperwork, phone calls to return and patients to check on who are post op still in the hospital.

Every few months or at least once per year, I blow up at DH and he does better. Then he goes right back to his normal ways. I’m so fed up with him.

So what do you want your husband to do? Work fewer hours for less pay?

Yes, I have told him many many times to work less. He only seems to get busier, not less busy. He is very specialized and there not many of him so he is always high in demand, his clinics are overbooked and there are often add ons and emergencies. The hours are long and unpredictable.

Different take. Why not tell him he has only one life and he needs to enjoy it more with you?
He sounds like a workaholic and does not possess much self awareness.
Have an honest discussion focused on both his and your happiness.

I say this all the time. I said previously that I blow up at him every few months or once per year. I am normally content and fine with our situation.

I think what happens is that when he gets into the swing of conferences and meeting other cutting edge surgeons, he becomes more motivated with work and then he does more industry stuff. He gets interested in new technologies, wants to get more involved in research, etc. The visiting physicians or meetings and conferences he attends makes him want to do more than just surgery. The surgery itself is already grueling enough and then he does all this extra stuff in addition to seeing his patients and doing surgery. He is also specialized so he always has patients waiting to see him. He adds on emergency surgeries of patients who can’t wait 3 months. It is a never ending cycle.

Meanwhile he makes over a million dollars a year and you don’t have to work. I couldn’t stand to have such an uninvolved husband but that’s clearly who you married so just take his money and go enjoy your life. You realize that making seven figures a year is insane, right? That you are in an income bracket with very few people? Our joint HHI is about $500K with bonuses and I certainly don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself and how hard it is to be rich. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I’m married to a surgeon too and not only do I have to run the household and be responsible for all kid related stuff, I also have to run his business. He’s clueless about finances and discovered a few years ago that his office manager was not very transparent with money ( to put it mildly) so I had to step in and that’s pretty much a full time job too.

Consider yourself lucky OP that you’re only responsible for the home stuff.

[Anonymous]

NP I am a woman making 600K for which I work 60 hours a week. My DH works a 9 hour schedule. We have one kid. He does drop off and pick up. Mind you - kid is in school 8-6 pm every day. I do all the kid planning and mental work, school, take the kids to appointments, take days off when sick, etc and 50 % of the household stuff. And he still resents me for it even though he gets MUCH more free time than me.

[Anonymous]

OP makes me so grateful for my own SAH wife. The lack of gratitude and perspective here is staggering.

And don’t kid yourself about just “going back to work” like it’s deciding to go for a jog in the park. There’s a reason they pay you to be there. It’s the same reason you stopped working in the first place once your husband made enough money to allow you to do so.

Once you click over 7 figures, however, you should have enough help to temper some of this resentment. My wife doesn’t really have to clean, do laundry, trash, groceries, or deal with any other chore she doesn’t want to. She focuses 100% on the kids (and cooks, as that is a hobby), everything else is outsourced, which leaves plenty of time for her own stuff. OP should try that before becoming so bitter and hostile that her husband is forced to leave her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

I’m a woman and had to pay my ex alimony (I settled on a large lump sum to be able to move on with my life). We had no kids and he did nothing to support my education or career. I still did everything at home and with the pets and I took the entire financial burden of my education on myself. But Fairfax county used a calculator and said I owed him alimony because I outearned him. We had been married three years. It was utter bullshit.

Yeah I don’t know where all the discussion of “he’s going to leave her” started but she would absolutely get alimony for at least a few years and significant child support. Crazy to think otherwise. But it doesn’t actually sound like their marriage is in trouble or he’s cheating or whatever, just that he’s not stepping up with the kids and he spends his limited free time outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP makes me so grateful for my own SAH wife. The lack of gratitude and perspective here is staggering.

And don’t kid yourself about just “going back to work” like it’s deciding to go for a jog in the park. There’s a reason they pay you to be there. It’s the same reason you stopped working in the first place once your husband made enough money to allow you to do so.

Once you click over 7 figures, however, you should have enough help to temper some of this resentment. My wife doesn’t really have to clean, do laundry, trash, groceries, or deal with any other chore she doesn’t want to. She focuses 100% on the kids (and cooks, as that is a hobby), everything else is outsourced, which leaves plenty of time for her own stuff. OP should try that before becoming so bitter and hostile that her husband is forced to leave her.

Most days DH would be like you. He is appreciative of me and proud of our children. He often compliments me and how lucky he feels to have me and our kids.

I didn’t get married signing up to be a SAHM. When we first met and got married, I was equally ambitious, if not more ambitious than DH. We loved one another and both wanted children. That was the extent of our future children discussions. We weren’t thinking kid logistics and division of kid duties. Once we had kids, I became the default parent. I also used to work long hours before our first child was born and I also earned a high income. While it is unlikely that I would break seven figures, I earned a solid six figure income in my twenties and thirties before I stopped working.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to look within to find the solution to the problem. It seems to me you are feeling unfulfilled and you are all over the board - one minute feel bad he's tired and then the next enraged. I am in a similar situation and you need to have some appreciation for how hard he works. Hire some help and figure out what is going to make you happy. Being home with kids all day is sole sucking. But you're choosing that. You have the resources to fix it. Most people would be thrilled to have your "problem". For me adjusting my attitude to have the default just be that he's not home with no expectation that he would be really helped. Then I was more happily surprised when he was able to get home instead of constantly disappointed. He's setting you up for a great retirement and hopefully long life together after his prime time of surgery passes.
Instead of being upset he couldn't go on a weekend trip with me, I started going on girls weekends. Be more independent!