Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

That's great leech.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

She’s a SAHM, not an indentured servant. So many people on this board hate women. I am done.

Don't let the door hit you. Bye.

It’s just this one sad Dude who supposedly has a ‘down to earth fiancé’ but based on how much and immaturity of his posts probably still lives in his parents basement and certainly cant sustain a healthy relationship. I’m sure he’ll lose interest and go back to discord soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

I’m asking this with genuine curiosity- when you say you kept the house - was it paid off? Did alimony/child support cover the mortgage?

If not - were you able to cover the mortgage on your salary?

I kept the house in that I did not have to buy him out. He kept our second home. My salary plus alimony more than covers the mortgage, yes. We were married 20 years and had 3 kids together. Married while he was a med student and I supported us (also through his residency).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

The no alimony thing is just not true. People love to say that on this board. I receive alimony. It's not uncommon for couples where one person is extremely high earning and the other's career took a backseat to support it. And yes, I got HALF. And kept the house.

I’m asking this with genuine curiosity- when you say you kept the house - was it paid off? Did alimony/child support cover the mortgage?

If not - were you able to cover the mortgage on your salary?

I kept the house in that I did not have to buy him out. He kept our second home. My salary plus alimony more than covers the mortgage, yes. We were married 20 years and had 3 kids together. Married while he was a med student and I supported us (also through his residency).

Got it - thanks!

That all sounds fair and reasonable!

And I say this as a woman who has technically been the higher earner, but is well aware that a lot of the men who have families and insanely busy, and lucrative, careers couldn’t have done both without a wife else handling everything BUT their job (and even then, his wife is helping with his job when it’s a small business or starting up a small/solo practice).

[Anonymous]

I never understand women that sit around and complain about their husbands who are high powered and high earners. If your husband is a surgeon, hire some help and go enjoy some free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

This is the exact arrangement I had (SAHM of 3) and it’s how I got through until my kids were old enough to left home alone etc. My spouse also works long hours and travels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

That's not true. In the past couple of weeks someone posted links to latest divorce stars of all types of metrics (percentage per year, least likely to cheat, least likely to divorce, most common factors for divorce). If anyone can post the link, I remember surgeons were some of the least likely to cheat or divorce despite their reputation from media. Although in person they all do seem arrogant but arrogance is not a marriage killer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

That's not true. In the past couple of weeks someone posted links to latest divorce stars of all types of metrics (percentage per year, least likely to cheat, least likely to divorce, most common factors for divorce). If anyone can post the link, I remember surgeons were some of the least likely to cheat or divorce despite their reputation from media. Although in person they all do seem arrogant but arrogance is not a marriage killer.

*stats not stars

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You working isn't going to stop him from being a busy surgeon. If you work he's not going to start doing more, you'll just hire help. So if you can afford to hire help on just his salary, do that. If you need to work to afford help, do that. If anything if you are working he'll probably spend more time at work so he doesn't have to deal with the kids alone.

All of this.

OP, I'd hire household and childcare help and have a standing date night with your DH weekly or at minimum twice a month. Keep the marriage strong. Think of yourself as the operations director of the family. He is generating the income, so build your team for other needs. Invest in your marriage in quality time together. Can you be added to some of the socializing with colleagues? Host a dinner?

[Anonymous]

Why did you have 3 kids if things were so tough? Why one or two?

[Anonymous]

I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In this day and age, with no alimony and no daily divorce, no one should be a SAHM.

Plus don’t count on getting “half” if you split. Women who are low earners rarely get 50% of assets. More like 30%.

Thissss

Learned this the hard way. He weakly anything in retirement accounts is protected

You split your house and cash accounts. That’s it.

Retirement accounts are also 50/50

Nope

Don’t count on it

I know sooo many women who got practically nothing even though their husbands are high earners with millions in the bank

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

She’s a SAHM, not an indentured servant. So many people on this board hate women. I am done.

Don't let the door hit you. Bye.

Well I hope the door hits you. I hope it chops a limb off. Prick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am also married to a surgeon. I went back to work at a job working Friday evenings. My kids were old enough to be on their own for a couple of hours, and it didn’t much matter if they didn’t get homework done or get to bed on time on Friday evenings. So, even if DH completely dropped the ball, it didn’t screw anything up.
I have been doing it for about four years now. It works out really well. Sometimes DH can’t make it home until very late, so he orders them dinner and calls them several times. Most of the time they have their little Friday evening routine.

I think it’s been good for DH to have some time on his own with his kids. I can’t imagine never being alone with my kids. It’s so different.

I get all of the advice to hire help, but sometimes having someone else in your house can be more annoying than helpful. And it doesn’t actually make

What?? One evening a week is nothing

You need your own savings girl!

50/50 rarely happens - higher earner gets to keep everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

+1

The essence of your problem is that you need more help with the kids/household stuff. Not that you need to add a job on top of all this! And I say this as a working mom, but I can only manage this with 3 kids because I have a DH with a flexible schedule who does a lot.

I doubt you getting a job is going to suddenly make your DH more available, all it will do is add more stress to juggle and it doesn’t sound like you need the money.

All my friends who are SAHMs because their husbands work long hours use the financial benefit of those long hours to hire help. Trying to do it all on your own with a DH with a busy work schedule is the worst of all worlds.

Also, trying to force his hand by you going back to work with breed resentment between you two. Hiring help/outsourcing will likely make your marriage better. We have biweekly cleaners, lawn service, used to have a nanny, etc. so we can enjoy our lives.

No that’s not why people are telling her to go back to work. They’re telling her that so she won’t be totally destitute if he leaves her. Surgeons have lousy marriage stats.

That's not true. In the past couple of weeks someone posted links to latest divorce stars of all types of metrics (percentage per year, least likely to cheat, least likely to divorce, most common factors for divorce). If anyone can post the link, I remember surgeons were some of the least likely to cheat or divorce despite their reputation from media. Although in person they all do seem arrogant but arrogance is not a marriage killer.

Cuz he cheats and she looks the other way bc she likes the money lol