Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and create a life for yourself.

Personally I would go back to work and hire help.

He is going to dump you OP

I sure hope so.
She is completely unappreciative of the life he provides her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and create a life for yourself.

Personally I would go back to work and hire help.

He is going to dump you OP

+1. Hire help, go back to work to protect yourself against future divorce. Mentally assume he's absentee/divorced which will help you manage expectations.

I always wonder why guys like this have kids, since they never see them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think that will help you, I think you need to outsource things to lighten your load.

AND I think you should schedule weekends away with your girlfriends. 1-3 times a year. He has to step up.

But it sounds like you two may be feeling disconnected if he wants to spend his spare time with his friends and not with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

It's perfectly fine for him to see friends. The question is when do you get to see friends? When do you go out as a couple?
Maybe you guys need a regular babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

[Anonymous]

Hire help a couple of days a week.
If he barely interacts with his kids it’s his loss. His kids will realise it as they get older and will not have a close connection with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

[Anonymous]

No, you going back to work will have zero impact on how much he does at home.

He’s a surgeon and I’m guessing your salary would be nowhere close to his. This would be his argument—that he’s the breadwinner so his job takes precedence. On the off chance that you’re also a high earner, it would still make no difference. Every time I’ve seen two high powered careers, the man is never as involved in home life as the woman. If anything, she’s the one who has to manage how to balance work and home. The guy doesn’t even think about it.

You should hire out help. Spend whatever you need so you’re not resentful. If you want to go back to work, do that.

[Anonymous]

Going back to work isn't going to make him do more, but it might help you feel like you have more agency in your life. You will have to hire help to close the gap, but you won't feel like you are completely beholden to his schedule. Right now you are a SAHM with a surgeon husband, so the kid stuff is your only job. Did you say how old the kids are? This isn't going to last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

Like I said, OP should definitely suggest that. I will anxiously await her report on how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hire help and create a life for yourself.

Personally I would go back to work and hire help.

He is going to dump you OP

I sure hope so.
She is completely unappreciative of the life he provides her.

We knew a heart surgeon’s wife who said with a straight face that she was a “single mom” while her kids were little, in front of my mom who was an ACTUAL single mom.

Single moms don’t get to hire help and build custom multi-million dollar homes, like this woman did.

While I know it must be hard, life always has give and take. Most people would rather be married to a surgeon than the alternative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hire help a couple of days a week.
If he barely interacts with his kids it’s his loss. His kids will realise it as they get older and will not have a close connection with him.

+1

I think figuring out what you want or are missing, as another PP suggested, is the first step.

1) do you want more free time to see friends, pick up a hobby etc?

- then hire help to be responsible for the kids and/or help to handle housekeeping and use the time you get back to do your thing

2) do you want more time together as a family?

- express this to your H and then plan leisure activities with the whole family. It’s not the same as him actually doing the day to day stuff with the kids that is the true bonding, but it’s something

3) do you want HIM to be there for the parental grunt work routine so you aren’t doing it ALL - baths/dinner/homework/chauffering?

- unfortunately he’s probably not going to that, or at least not start with that. So see points 1 & 2 and hire someone to be a regular assistant/partner for those times


Going back to work will not help, and will likely only make you even more resentful- especially if your income won’t have a significant impact on finances.

[Anonymous]

Go back to work but hire help.

Consider him a 0 who will probably dump you anyway for a younger woman soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

She’s a SAHM, not an indentured servant. So many people on this board hate women. I am done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

Yeah, you should definitely tell him that he should skip seeing his old friend so he can come home and help [checks notes] the SAHM with the kids.

Seriously?

He should skip seeing people who were not important enough to see for X years so he can spend time and parent the children he chose to bring into this world because they are better spending time with their father.

She’s a SAHM, not an indentured servant. So many people on this board hate women. I am done.

Don't let the door hit you. Bye.