Should I go back to work to get DH to step up?

[Anonymous]

I have 3 kids and am a SAHM. DH is a surgeon and I basically have to do everything. He has to work late, has work related dinners, industry meetings, research, continuing education and often says he has to attend dinner when some other surgeon is in town. I am so beyond fed up and irritated. I understand that he can’t handle the day and has never taken a sick day or snow day to take our kid to the doctor or dentist. All this extra stuff in addition to not helping during the day is just pushing me to my breaking point. He will also want to go play or watch sports with someone if he happens to be free. He will say he never hangs out with friends. He does not count professional dinners hanging out with friends even if he is friends with these colleagues.

I used to work and I was responsible for both mornings and afternoons because Dh is not reliable to ever do any pick ups. He helps if he gets out early but I could never depend on him. His answer if I should be able to pick up a kid but it is never definite because of the nature of his work.

I know a mom who had a similar set up. Her husband did nothing so she went back to work. Now she has a job and FT help and still does 90% of the kid stuff.

Would going back to work even help my situation?

[Anonymous]

I don't think going back to work would help your stress load at all.
I mean is he this immature that he can't help you at all in any way?

[Anonymous]

I think you should get involved in something that forces him to step up in the hours when he is off duty.

[Anonymous]

I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

[Anonymous]

Going back to work would not help.

Do you feel more burned-out or more unappreciated? Those have different solutions.

[Anonymous]

Can you afford to pay for help? Seems like the best solution in your situation.

[Anonymous]

No. He won't step up. You should hire more help, or cut back on the things you do for him that he can do for himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

[Anonymous]

You working isn't going to stop him from being a busy surgeon. If you work he's not going to start doing more, you'll just hire help. So if you can afford to hire help on just his salary, do that. If you need to work to afford help, do that. If anything if you are working he'll probably spend more time at work so he doesn't have to deal with the kids alone.

[Anonymous]

Hire help and create a life for yourself.

Personally I would go back to work and hire help.

He is going to dump you OP

[Anonymous]

If he’s a surgeon there should be more than enough money to hire a nanny, cleaning help etc. I’m not sure what you’re looking for. He’s not flexible.

[Anonymous]

You're angry at your spouse, but you chose him and his career. He can't be a part time surgeon and yeah it's unrealistic for him to take a sick day (and cancel someone's surgery!) to take your kid to the doctor.

I think what you need is either a nanny or a housekeeper. I found a part time nanny and it's been life changing. She works 2:30 (when kids get out of school) to 6/6:30. She helps tag team the kids and I finish dinner. She helps set the table and corral the kids (two are toddlers). I only have her 4 days a week too, but it's just taken a big load off of me. DH gets home at 6pm usually and all of us can eat dinner together. I work full time, but she's basically like having a SAHM. I'm so glad she picks the kids up from their activities and school. I don't feel like I'm missing time with them, nor spending an hour driving them at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s a surgeon there should be more than enough money to hire a nanny, cleaning help etc. I’m not sure what you’re looking for. He’s not flexible.

+1

We have (2) surgeons in our family and they had long hours (actually performing surgery, not dinners out). In your case, you need to hire help, OP. If you are upset about all your DH's luxury time, maybe you can participate in some of it? Or hire a sitter and do your own thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a physician, am around lots of physicians, and know lots of surgeons. Sounds like he has been working some time. For established doctors, even surgeons, one has lots of clout in dictating one's schedule. While doctors have to be productive to justify their income, a lot of what he is doing is "optional" to a certain extent. To me, it sounds like he chooses to do all that and not chip in as much at home.

Does this have any career benefits? In some fields, the only extra does help. I’m not a physician but all seems like normal territory of marrying a [big ego arrogant] surgeon.

OP here. Some are business development meetings where it does benefit DH’s work. Since Covid, he has gone to few conferences so he is going to a few now. He does need continuing education. And in his field, there is always new technology and techniques.

The more optional ones are when his friend from college, med school, residency or fellowship is in town to give a talk or grand rounds and he has to see him. He hasn’t seen him in X years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. He won't step up. You should hire more help, or cut back on the things you do for him that he can do for himself.

Absolutely. Going back to work will not make him do one thing for you.