tell me about your marriage if both spouses have untreated ADHD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like:
-parking tickets with penalties
-filing taxes late
-last minute vacation planning
-running out of toilet paper
-being reminded to go grocery shopping
-never sending Christmas cards
-never being a bridesmaid
-knowing better than to volunteer for opportunities at kids school
-not maximizing kids educational opportunities
-underachieving at work for your educational level

We grew up in absolute squalor even though my dad was a doctor and my sister thinks it's probably untreated severe ADHD with my mother, and maybe asperger's with my dad.

the food was always burned and inedible and we were always out of groceries. my mother would routinely ruin our clothes in the laundry. We didn't see the doctor. Everything was always lost and chaotic in the house -- people running around screaming and looking for permission slips, keys, etc.
The idea that every year in Vermont you need an ice scraper to prepare the car before you can drive somewhere, but there was never any designated place for anything.

I have been talking about this with my siblings and we all ended up being really rigid about where things go, we are all the kind of people who are like "It's Tuesday. Tuesday is the night we have spaghetti." I think it was a reaction to our bizarre, sad, lonely, neglectful childhood.

Holy moly. Talk about emotionally stunted and stunted pair of parents.
Glad you all made it out through the other side and can talk about it. And broke the cycle.

To the person who posted about "growing up in absolute squalor"--how are you know? I am very worried about kids who grew up in what you describe and it's just too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am agreeing with the below Pp:

“‘ Happy to hear this is working out but money and willingness to set up coping mechanisms like this is probably the biggest factor to success…we do twice a month deep cleaning but having someone taking care of household task (huge stressor for those with adhd) 12-16 days a month is insane but awesome. Add in lawn care window cleaning and all the tedious non-preferred tasks costs money but also allows things to run more smoothly. Even flowers! Amazing…seriously no snark. Have an independent third person do the travel planning is a really good tip (another adhd stressor) and might even save you money because it is easy to forget to book something until last minute which ends up costing more. In sum, gotta have money and spend it on way to offload tasks that are easy for adhd people to forget to make things work well or … both partners need personalities with a lot of patience, understanding, laughter and go with the flow or you might get explosive fights or pent up resentment… ‘“

It’s true that you have to spend money to hire out certain tasks. We don’t live the kind of lifestyle that you might think we would based on our incomes. A lot of it goes toward managing life stuff.

[Anonymous]

I feel very sorry for NT spouses of ADHD people. It’s very difficult to live with that.

[Anonymous]

I have a ADHD husband on top of emotional immaturity so its pretty stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It looks like foreclosures and evictions

lol facts.

[Anonymous]

My spouse leaves cabinet doors and kitchen drawers open. He tried meds but I frankly hated them because he seemed like a zombie and we never tried adjusting them.

So we have weekly maids despite our modest house, most bills on autopsy, I do the taxes (fined once.) We try to avoid clutter because we lose track of things very easily. We have a laundry basket of socks that we never match. Forget and miss piano lessons once a month or so.

We avoid spending money so that masks us not really managing it. 4-5 different accounts that have just accumulated over the years and we’ve never bothered fixing. If we had identity theft we’d be screwed.

It’s a miracle we have three happy healthy kids. Ok not a miracle, Dh has good salary due to a very technical niche job and we spend very conservatively so that helps. We try to keep things stupid simple like buying further out near good public schools on one income. We are definitely not typical dc bethesda strivers even though our degrees are advanced and most of our friends went this route. Our kids will therefore miss out on some opportunities no doubt. We would crack without the extra cushion of time and money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

This would be too much for me.

I hope he makes a lot of money. He’s got major issues.

Money and outsourcing only helps so much.
It’s a lonely marriage, lots of setbacks, most of which should be totally avoidable.

[Anonymous]

I do want to say that we are both creative and good at staying in the moment, so the sex is still very, very good .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, complete sidebar but the number of people on DCUM who seem to think getting on meds is like a simple electrical rewiring issue or asking for an extra shot of espresso. If it was so easy of course we would all do it. As things get more and more hectic with the realities of parenting and adulthood, it becomes harder and harder to commit the time and monetary resources to tinkering around trying to figure out what works for you, while possibly in the process completely losing your grip on time, your mind, ability to mask (so social relationships), and physical health in the process. This happened to me on a particular med, as the doc kept urging me to up the dosage bc it wasn’t working the way we thought it would. I really think he was being paid to push the stuff onto his patients and I can’t believe I trusted the advice as long as I did. It was really terrifying.

I think the problem with medication is that the executive functioning isnt coached or taught alongside it.

We are a dual couple with ADD. My spouse takes meds and I do not. He does have the more stressful job but the stress is compounded by his lack of boundaries and inability to set up systems.

I stopped taking my meds when pregnant and never got back on them because I had worked on executive functioning and systems when I was taking my medication (about 8 years). The medications helps but it doesnt do the work for you.

For example, I have systems for cleaning and laundry. We have a dedicated space for keys at the entry/exit. I dont put stuff down- it gets put away. And if my attention is needed elsewhere, I make a "sticky note" in my head to remember to go back and do what I got distracted from. I dont let the gas tank get below 1/3 tank.

My spouse on the other hand refuses to put his keys and wallet anywhere dedicated when he enters. He constantly puts things down and walks away. Pants when he showers. Towels when he dries off. Spoons that he used for stirring. Shoes sit right in front of the door. Jackets are always thrown over a piece of furniture. And more than once I have had to use one of our cars and it had less than 5 miles in the tank.

He is also in "charge" in the afternoons and I keep trying to talk to him about making sure that he keeps a routine for our kid so that he learns that his backpack needs to get put away, papers gets taken out, homework gets done, snack gets eaten, and then it all goes back in the "school zone". He will just dally the whole afternoon away playing and then there is no dinner prepped, no homework done, backpack and lunch are still sitting whereever it got dropped and you realize that so much of this is also taught and demonstrated.

This would be too much for me.

I hope he makes a lot of money. He’s got major issues.

Money and outsourcing only helps so much.
It’s a lonely marriage, lots of setbacks, most of which should be totally avoidable.

It’s definitely a lonely marriage, with an emotionally immature and volatile spouse, who can’t “adult.“

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do want to say that we are both creative and good at staying in the moment, so the sex is still very, very good .

Yeah cuz immature deadweights who routinely have temper tantrums are so attractive and sexy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do want to say that we are both creative and good at staying in the moment, so the sex is still very, very good .

Yeah cuz immature deadweights who routinely have temper tantrums are so attractive and sexy.

They are def not lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like foreclosures and evictions

lol facts.

Has that happened to you--to others?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It looks like foreclosures and evictions

lol facts.

Has that happened to you--to others?

My untreated adhd BIL, diagnosed at age 5, yes has lost countless jobs and girlfriends because he can’t get it together. And evicted for not being able to pay the rent.

He’s in his 40s and lives with his 75 yo parents, and works from home now on a computer programming job. His mother cooks for him, pays his bills and does his taxes. The adhd elderly dad takes him around on weekend handyman projects at their properties- takes them 10x longer than anyone to repair or replace something. Keeps them busy, i suppose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do want to say that we are both creative and good at staying in the moment, so the sex is still very, very good .

Yeah cuz immature deadweights who routinely have temper tantrums are so attractive and sexy.

What’s your deal?
We aren’t deadweights. I’m an ER doc. DH does intensive care. We donate money to charity and are active in our community.
We have good kids who do well in school and have a lot of fun at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do want to say that we are both creative and good at staying in the moment, so the sex is still very, very good .

Yeah cuz immature deadweights who routinely have temper tantrums are so attractive and sexy.

What’s your deal?
We aren’t deadweights. I’m an ER doc. DH does intensive care. We donate money to charity and are active in our community.
We have good kids who do well in school and have a lot of fun at home.

Would you say either of you are immature?